Last week I was asked a question, or rather I was the one who asked for a topic, and the answer was posted as a statement; something to think about. This statement was: “A topic I’ve been thinking about lately has been about how familiarity breeds contempt. Is there a benefit in maintaining a formality to a strictly D/s relationship and refining casual banter/restricting such speech…”
This lead to this blogpost, which is admittedly a rewording of this topic that I wrote earlier this week, changed and expanded on it in further discussions. I asked and was allowed to share this blog post with you all. So here goes. The idea itself has actually been plaguing on my mind a lot last week, though writing this did help me to gain at least some perspective on the topic. Still the various thoughts and all that kept ruining through my mind all of this week. It does take time occasionally for me to really grasp a topic that I have been asked to think about in depth and realise the implications of them.
The question is: does familiarity breed indeed contempt? To answer that question, research has to start at the beginning. In this case, what does the sentence actually mean, or where does it even come from? The origin of the saying lies in Aesop’s Fable “The Fox and the Lion”
When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony.
It is clear from this fable that the more the fox gets to know the lion, the more and easier it is for him to bypass the fact that the lion is supposed to be this fearsome beast that imparts terror and intimidation wherever it goes. In the end the fox knows the lion, and is no longer afraid of the king of the animal world.. The fear has turned vis-a-vis into a contempt for the lion.
It is very easy for a submissive to become overly friendly with a Dominant? Even to the point of being brattish and bantering a lot? I am sure that I am not the only one in doing that. It is this, that has given me pause to think about the topic. There’s obvious great hubris in thinking that I am responsible for that alone and no-one else engages in such behaviour.
So, in that case, the more we get to know a person, the closer we get to them, the more we get to know them, all their good sides and all their bad sides. Which makes it easier to both dislike them, as well as become overly familiar with them. To call upon the shared bond or shared experiences. But how does this translate to a D/s relationship, that falls or stand with how well one knows a person?
Regardless of my immediate gut feelings, one has to wonder. I am the first one to admit that there is a delicate balance that even I seek, between formal D/s, a high protocol driven relationship and being friendly with people you come to know and cherish. Such bonds, formed in close relationship, especially in what it is that we do, tend to give easier way to familiarity rather then strictness. There is however a time and place for everything.
However, I don’t think that familiarity in knowledge can necessarily breed contempt. Especially in terms of BDSM and D/s relationships. I think that knowing a person is a good thing. The better you know a person, the better you can work with them, encourage them, help them grow. So there are good things as well. But I will be the first admit that those are two very different definitions of familiarity.
A lot depends on how you define a relationship, how formal and strict you want to have this. In many way, a lot of people would equate formal D/s relationships with relationships (though not necessarily) either lacking classical romantic involvement and a status of high protocol remained through most of the time with occasional dips to medium protocol. It is often a strict relationship in where the submissive is under a larger amount of control, and where the behaviour of the submissive is regulated and controlled.
There is however another side of the coin. One that flows from the submissive to the dominant but more perceived by the dominant. This is when the submissive is becoming over familiar with the dominant. That the shared experiences they have creates a bond that in the perception may overtake the limits of what is considered acceptable.
In that sense, I think yes familiarity does actually breed contempt, or rather it can. Especially in a case where you expect more, better of them. Where the surroundings perhaps, or social conventions would dictate a certain level of middle to high protocol. Familiarity in behaviour that is.
So in what way can you prevent this? Is waiting for the submissive to get a hint going to be acceptable, and even more importantly – is it even going to work? Personally I do not think so. I think if anything you want to establish this, it is as such as any other method of training. Discuss this with the submissive, explain what is expected from her, how it is expected from her. Lay out the ground rules, negotiate those rules and agree upon them. That way you both know where you stand, what can be done, what can be expected.
Neither dominant or submissive are mind readers. We like occasionally to think so, we certainly like to act like that, but the reality of it all is that you and I are not. We are all humans and we all have our own faults. The best way of moving past this is discussion, explanation and communication.
So on the other side of the coin then, playing devils advocate. Is there a good thing about lowering protocol, being less formal with a submissive? I would say there is. Most submissive that I know, myself included, have a very playful element within them. It may help the submissive, to occasionally know that she can dig into that playful element. However I will say that very also depends on the submissive.
So to answer the original question; “Is there a benefit in maintaining a formality to a strictly D/s relationship and refining casual banter/restricting such speech…”
Is there a benefit, yes I think there is. Again it depends on the submissive, what you expect from her/them, and how you want relations to develop. I definitely belief that there should be a time for more formal relationships and perhaps at time a more relaxed approach. How this is implemented is a very different question and something that should be discussed.
As to refining casual banter, restricting such speech; for the right person that could be quite a challenge and a good method to focus their mind, set them in the mindset of service. For some of us, those of the submissive mindset, such training, such restrictions could even be a turn on. As someone who loves speech restriction and other mental play of this kind, yes it would definitely something that I would be up for.
A side note on this is the paying attention how a submissive speaks is also a very big onus on the dominant. After all, not monitoring, correcting and punishing a submissive when she errs is a fatal mistake when implementing rules. And submissives will notice these errors. I thrive by knowing that I am held responsible for my actions and that I am being monitored and controlled. Not being monitored, not being called will lead to a resentment on my part that if I am doing my best to please, that should be noted, or rather that I should be reminded that I should improve myself if my efforts, my behaviour is not up to scratch.
And with that I am wrapping this up. I have a better idea in my head now what the sentence means and what it will mean and can mean for me. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I took solace and pleasure in writing it. With that I shall leave you with my greetings and thoughts as I head into the preparations for next week
in servitudinis, oedientiae, et diligentiae
lex.
My prominent kink thoughts this week:
- Familiarity; Am I to familiar with dominants, do I need to be more formal? Basically that what caused this blogpost and the previous writing to come into existence.
- Jealousy; I am by nature very jealous and fiercely protective. I know this is a bad trait and it is something I need to work on controlling and not give into letting it control me. Easier said then done. But I try very hard. I get a bit better at it. I’d rather not had put this here, but I think I need to be honest with myself and what I feel.
- Structure; what to expect and how define what it is what we do. Where are we going from
- Patience; Am I being to impatient to often? I need to learn to pace myself and go with the flow, or rather stop trying to top from the bottom and make things go the way you imagine things. Again: easier said then done. Work continues.
- Actions and consequences; what actions that I have done in the past had consequences for me. How did that work out? What did work and what did not work for me, why not? With that the realisation that within certain contents I have not been really punished that much. Is that a cause for worry? A concern? I am being somewhat thoughtful about this.
- Story: the exhibition; Working title of something I am working on. This is mostly in my head with a few things on paper. I really need to work this out and will see if that brings in any fruition. There is basis for this – so to speak. More will be revealed (or not).
I found in my relationship with my sub that familiarity, at times, bred disrespect. If it wasn’t dealt with it, it led to feelings of contempt for her. There were times I was more open to a casual, familiar attitude and other times, I was quite rigid.
It meant creating signals to indicate when I felt a line was about to be crossed, when it had been, and if the behaviour continued beyond that, then additional punishment was in order. Sometimes knowing I was keenly disappointed in her behaviour was enough. Sometimes, it required more perseverance, which often annoyed me.
A lot of times, I can come across as casual and relaxed and at the same time I have high expectations of my sub’s behaviour. It’s only through familiarity would someone know that. And yes, I can be held in contempt because of it. 🙂