Posts Tagged ‘real life’

Hi everyone. The world has been left, right and centre in many, many different ways and as most people have known, it was rather quiet on my blogging front. Nearly a year has passed since I decided that I wanted or need a break from blogging.  A lot of real life stuff took over and as someone said: Write whenever you feel like it, write because you want to, not because you feel you are made to (hah!).

The truth of the matter is, I did just that. I realised that blogging in the first place was taking up a significant portion of my time at that moment and that something in my life had to give. I have always felt very two ways about blogging (well, perhaps three ways even or more. I am nothing but entirely complex). The blog really took off as a something that my then dominant, Miss Tungsten wanted. But after she sadly disappeared out of my life – it became harder and harder to maintain that, even more so once I removed my collar.

On the other hand, I also maintained that this blog was mine and mine alone, and all done by my hand. This is, and remains as always true. So both statements are in fact a truth (if nothing else from a certain point of view), if not somewhat in contradictory with each other. However, it does and remains my blog, and yes while it was Miss Tungsten that made me write, it also is my thoughts and actions that does it, but the motivation of trying to please her was always there. Even when she was no longer with me. I know, I know my mind has a tendency to cling to things way after they should have come to pass.

So, you might thus wonder, what made this break my self imposed silence? Well, as I sort of alluded to, things have been changing a little bit, or a lot, depending on your view. It is been a long time since Miss Tungsten left my side, and it took me a very long time to get over this and past that. With that being said, I think by and large I am slowly starting to come out of my rut a little bit. I know there are those among you who have been watching me (hi there!), with a certain, perhaps trepidation and weariness whether the steps I am taking are the right ones. I know they are doing this only because they care and worry about me. Much as I have done so for countless other people in the past; holding their hands as they make tentative steps out in to the light again.

One of them asked me, if I would consider writing a blog, or a personal essay, regarding my experiences the last view months on what I have experienced. Being a submissive that has come out of a prolonged relationship, especially a deeper D/s relationship; what anxieties and pitfalls can you encounter, both internally and externally when starting to dip your toes back into the murky waters of dating new potential dominant partners.


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As many may have noticed, I am currently on a bit of a self imposed hiatus. A few people have remarked on this and asked me to write about the why. I reluctantly agreed to this. Now the day is drawing close I am even more regretting and perhaps to an extent resenting that I agreed to it. Why? Because despite what people may think, my blog is my own. And even more, I write because I want. I may let others actually inspire me, even put forward topics, but in the end of the day, these are my words and my thoughts that are on paper, digitally or otherwise.

It was put to me “that I only write when being prompted or told”, I think that is kinda a misnomer. Yes, I like people to give me ideas, put forward subjects. But as I have always said: It is to me to decide what to write, what direction my thoughts take me. The topic is supplied, the content is created by me.

Why do you I like topics supplied? Because, to have it quite simply put; if you blog as long as I have (since February 2012), and blog with great regularity, then yes at some point you are going to run out of topics you can talk about. There is only so many introductions into BDSM you can give, there are only so many blogs you can write about punishment, or any given topic that interest me. So yes, you start to look for inspiration elsewhere.

So often I have  started this blog by saying I picked up a discussion point, or overheard something. And more then my fair share of blogs have been started with a request of people for me to write about something. Yes I love to write for people, especially for people I feel strongly towards, to whom I submit. They can be a tremendous power of inspiration for me.

After all they bring their own mix of experiences, of wants to the table. Those may clash with mine, those may supplement mine, they may push me further then I have ever before. That is stuff I can work with. I can write and explore my own thoughts. Write and process. I have many a time mentioned that writing for me is a way of thinking out loud as it where, to process, to come to understand.


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I will write,

Yes, I am late in posting. Nothing new there. At least I am trying to get another blogpost out this time. Maybe a bit later then the Sunday or Saturday that I was planning but there are mitigating circumstances, at least there are in my head. Two things really that made life a royal pain in the backside. One work was very hectic and chaotic all day on Friday. Talk about hitting the ground running and not really stopping until I got home. It took me a long time to get over that day. But … it is past me now and  I have a week off. Yay, go me. :3

Secondly, as many probably have heard me bitch about, my heating is on the blink. Or rather, not as much my heating, my boiler. Which means I am currently left without any kind of warm water or the aforementioned heating. A bit of a palaver. The only way I have been able to mostly counter this is by heating my living room with candles. Each night I had about 5 large candles and dozens of tea lights lying around. Very atmospheric. I do need to make sure that I regularly re-air the room. That much candles can not be overly healthy. Thank god it is supposed to get warmer by the end of this week. Plus as I said I am on holiday, this does make the stress of getting ready for work at the moment a little bit less.

Anyway, I am sure you do not want to hear me wither on about the tragedies in my life. On the plus side, I have found a potential new writing tool. I got told recently about Scrivener, a tool that apparently is used a lot by academic to write their thesis. I am always looking out for things that can aid and assist me. So I looked for Scrivener and see whether they actually are useful. It certainly seems to be full of possibilities and I am do like the fact that they offer a typewriter mode. Having used that in Jotterpad a lot, it is something I love using. Mostly because that really does not distract me from anything else.

The downside so far? The linux version that I am using will no longer be developed by Scrivener. Mostly because they choose to work on the windows and mac platform instead. That is something that I really not like. But there is also very little I can do about this. Admittedly I also wished that the typewriter mode would contain an option to actually pale the next that you are not writing. Stick to the current paragraph. I have found that this enables me to be a lot more productive and not be distracted. A bit zen perhaps about staying in the here and now of what I am writing. Rather then letting me distracted about what is in the past. But all in all it does seem to be a very versatile editor. It may be worth for me to eventually switch away from the likes of Abiword or LibreOffice (With abiword being my go to writing. As I said, time will tell.

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A couple of years ago, I was talking to a dominant in second life, and we seemed to get on. He certainly was nice enough. However after a while, and a few meetings and playing, I stopped seeing him. Why?

The entire notion of what happened came down to one thing really (a few others as well but those were not of such a severity that they couldn’t be overcome): The reason was this; he was definitely too nice.

I know this may sound strange, but it is the reason. When I expressed this thought to friends, some understood, some did not. Trying to explain myself did not entirely work, so perhaps in the peace and quiet while writing I have better success in achieving this.

The first question really is: Do I not like nice people? The answer is: of course I do. I love nice and warm people. I love being cuddled, having my hair played with, and other displays of affection.  Just like any other person, like any human being, I love being treated well, with respect. Being loved is a beautiful privilege.

As I mentioned before, I adore display of affection. Being a submissive my definition of what constitutes this, may perhaps be a bit different from what other (okay, vanilla) people will see as affection. Kneeling in front of someone, being allowed to kiss their feet, a firm grip in my neck, or a hand in the small of my back guiding me, are only but a few of the ways that make me feel cherished and loved.

So, given all of the above, why would I not appreciate someone who is nice to me. This is because I left out an important distinction. I do not like people being nice to me within the context of a BDSM scene.

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As some may notice it’s been a while since I last wrote. The twenty-sixth of January to be precise. That is a very long time. There are some reasons for it which I will explain in this blog post. This will however not be a long one.

More then anything I am forcing myself to write. Does that sound weird? It does a little bit. After all I am so apt to say that since this is my blog, so therefore my rules. Yet, it is that I find vehemently disagree with myself. Truth to be told – I disagree often enough with everyone else, why should I be of any difference?

Truth is, I do like to write to an extent. Sure, I struggle with it at times, but you know, I am not really ready yet to throw the towel in. The whole once a week thing may have to stop but time will tell on that. It does get harder over time to find something to write about.

Still, yes, I love writing and I love seeing people like my writing. It’s also been nearly four years since I started writing in earnest on this blog. As many may recall, I did have a blog prior to that but I wrote only sporadically on it. In 2009, Mistress, … yes, in my mind she is still my Mistress. I know, I took her collar off, I know she has not been in world for such a very very long time. Nor has she reacted to emails or IM’s on google talk. But, I have mentioned this so many times before.

Yet, yet I can not pull myself away from what I feel. How I feel about her. Is this fair? Fair to whom? To me, to others? I do not know. I know very much that I am not ready to move on perhaps. On the other hand, I may just as well clinging to the remnants, dwelling in the past as they say. I do not know what.  It does not help that I just realised that it is pretty much exactly four years ago (give or take 4 days) since I started blogging.

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this is going a lot shorter then last week, mostly because for some reason I have been exceedingly tired. It feels rather more then usual. Normally the first blame would have been going late to bed, however for once I can not even put the blame squarely there. I have been sleeping well reasonably (bar Sunday but okay) – However I slept wonderfully last night.

Granted there is a chance that this was the exhaustion talking. The thing that bothers me mostly is that due to me being so tired, I have very little inspiration to actually do any kind of writing. I have the drive but nothing to heavily – which is the part that annoys me. I need more time, to sit down and work out a plan what I am writing about and work with that.

Coming up with a plan is about half the work in most cases.  But sadly this weekend and these last two days my brain has been too much of a much to do anything else. I know partly why actually; I am taking some steps moving away from a few projects that I have been associated with for the last, well eight years give or take. And while I have not been active in a long time in them, the step to actually step back from the limelight and into the shadows was a pretty hard one to take.

Mostly time, and circumstances have changed and I am needing more time to focus on other things and perhaps trying to unburden myself for not being as involved as I once was. Time will tell how things work out in the long run. Change, as most will know, is always difficult, even more so to me (look, I am a precious little snowfl..snow-leopard okay!).

It is quite possible that I am in part so tired because of all this and a few other things that happened. I had also some tests done on Friday that I was very nervous about. No, please do not worry, nothing serious, or there is anything wrong with me. Mostly they are tests that will help me deal with a few things and get a few things in my noggins straight.

Yes, yes, I am very aware that this sounds so very curious. I am not really doing it to be curious but perhaps trying to walk a very thin and fine line between disclosing what is going on in my head and choosing for relatively privacy. If you really want to know, feel free to ask me about it and I may tell you more.

But I fear that this is all I have to say this week, blogging over the next weeks may be a little bit more irregular then always – especially as I have plans to reinstall my computer and rebuild that over the next weekend, although I will say – this time around it will be a lot more quicker as I hopefully do not have to compile a lot of things

And with that, I am going to post this quickly, then hop off-line to get some sleep. Another long day is ahead of me tomorrow. I hope you are all having a good week and that the days ahead may even be better.

Above all, thank you for letting me rant, yes I know, as I often say, this is my blog but I als feel that I can happily rant here and a little bit unload and share more of myself, so thank you for that


Stay safe, be good and have fun

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Right, tonight I want to talk to you all about something that has been getting on my beef for the last few weeks. Bad dominants, and yes this topic will probably will lead probably quite a bit in to a rant. But before I delve into the topic, I will say this: There are some wonderful dominants out there, that I am truly honoured and blessed to know and have played with.

So; what would I call a good dominant? Someone who knows they are dominant (well, yes) but can also act on that without being an arrogant arse. For me, you can be dominant without showing this off by carrying multiple whips or several cuffs (dreaded Dom belt anyone?), or, Bastet forbids, trying to dominate and control everyone in a 10 meter radius. Dominant is about attitude, yes. But you can carry that attitude quietly, in your bearing, in your behaviour.

A dominant for me is one,  who displays care, love even for their charges, who listens to a submissives wants and needs and that do not disregard what the submissive said without a thought. Who is sure of themselves and does not feel a need to beat their chest to prove it.

So where would I start on what a bad dominant is. Oh boy, I think I am spoilt for choice. I think in the last few weeks, I have had more then my fair share of bad dominants. So I want to talk about this a bit more in-depth and why the idea that this is a bad thing.

I do feel I need to emphasise that this is not written about a hate for dominants, or that I think that all dominants are bastards and wrong to begin with. As I will point out in the end of this blog, there are certain situations where us submissives are just as well as fault as the dominants for creating this. I can not stress this enough. This is just something I have ran into with various dominants online in the last few weeks.

There is perhaps a reason why this has happened mostly with online dominants, although I will admit that my interactions with BDSM these days are mainly confined to that medium. However I do know that these things do happen in real life just as easy. Perhaps at times real life communities are a little bit better at weeding out the bad and the miserable so to speak.

So the best format I could come up with for writing this blog in, is in the form of a list. Kind of like the questions and answer  format that I just adore because it makes writing so easier. Thus I have spend the last twenty (okay forty-five with being side tracked) minutes setting out my outline for this blog (at the time of writing, as I wrote this over two days);


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Well this is a bit later then expected, and I am struggling even now to get it finished. The last two nights – and really most of the weekend – I have not really been sleeping well. Nothing like it used to be where I am up all night, although with my current sleep schedule it may have just as well been that. This sadly meant that I have neglected my blogging by and large because I have severely lacked the energy.

On the slightly more positive side, after being nagged by friends, I have actually given in and went to see a doctor about my cough. The result is that I am currently on antibiotics, and had an x-ray made to see what is causing it. Time (probably next week at the earliest) will tell what the results are from that.

However I did not want to let this week go by without having written a blog. Something in the last two days have made me think about a third topic and some folks might not find pleasant to hear, but I think it is a subject that perhaps I do need to write about. That subject is on engaging with dominants – especially those with nefarious motives or those that are less willing to listen to negotiation, or frankly are willing to bypass your needs and wants immediately.

However, I am nothing if not stubborn. So I am going to do a little bit of a cop out and publish the second part of the  the next twenty questions that I had planned for a later date. However in the second part there are some questions that I give me pause. I think I have to draw somewhere the line between being honest and at least to some degree preserve a certain amount of decorum.

So let’s see..


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It’s a little bit past thanksgiving now in the US, even though it is not celebrated over here. Still it is hard to escape the fact especially with the fact that even without thanksgiving we do get the whole ‘Black Friday’ thing. Yes, I can understand it is nice to have a bargain but, in all seriousness, this consumerism on a grand and greedy scale really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there and nothing I really wanted to blog about. What did I want to write about? Actually about being thankful among others. Wait, what, is she actually going to sit down and write a proper blog this evening? Is the world coming to an end? is this a season of goodwill? Who knows!

Anyway, let’s put some words on the paper before I have to attempt to do this sleep thing once again. Not that I have been having a lot of luck with that these past few days. Remember I mentioned (at least I think that I did) that I was poorly? So yes, after having a few days off work last week, my cold has not really abated, a lot of coughing though which keeps me awake during the night. Most annoying when you need sleep to get through the day.

But such is life and I don’t think that writing about it, is going to make me feel a whole lot better soon physically although it may do momentarily in the mental sense of the word. All I can do is keep taking meds, steam and make sure I get as much sleep possible.

Other that that as I said, one of the things I wanted to write about this evening is the thing that I am thankful for:

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I have (and thanks to my dead friend Lady Tenshi who convinced me when I posted this ethical question) decided to write a really really quick blog about why I have not written  this week.Apart from anything else I have come down with a bit of a flue and that has descended onto my chest which means that I spend most of last week home and feeling sorry for myself. Not to mention by and large rather crappy.

This has not changed much over the last few days. Especially that the coughing has seem to be gotten worse. Now add to that that I did not sleep at all Sunday night and only had 3.5 hours of sleep last night, but I still worked full days.

The result is that I am feeling rather brain dead and my writing has very much declined.  I do apologise (something that I seem to be doing far too much lately); however I will do my best and remain optimistic and try to get a proper blog done this weekend. I know I know, I have said that before. But I have my reasons.

For the rest of this year, I will blog the next three weekends. If you have any special requests please feel free to let me know and I will do my best to honour them in my writing.  Why the special mention of the three weeks?

Because I am spending Christmas away from my home this year and I have decided that it is going to be a holiday. For the first time in three years since I started blogging, I refuse to worry my holiday how I should write, how I avoid questions by my parents and family and how I am getting this blog done. For those that know me, the refusal in and by itself is telling enough.

So I will take a few weeks hiatus and start back up from the second weekend of 2016 with renewed energy. As you all know I have been struggling with the format a lot and I hope that this break will rejuvenate my juices

That said, I should get my butt in bed and get some sleep. But I made myself write and about that I am somewhat happy even though that is is probably the shorted blog ever (last week not counting).

I wish you a good remainder of the week and hopefully till soon. P

With all my love

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