A year onwards, looking back

Well, the date has come and gone and passed with much less emotional upheaval then I thought it would. Perhaps not surprising as I have been gearing up for this for rather a long time. Especially during this month I have been more then religiously been checking information. But no. There has been no change. On the one hand, this does make me sad. It does mean that I have little to no closure nor knowledge about what happened.

On the other hand … it also gives me a certain sense of comfort. I know that sounds strange but for someone like me, change is upheaval. Something that with her best intentions, Mistress never managed to train out of me. It means that a situation had unchanged.

I can find solace in that, yet not acceptance. Well perhaps acceptance that she will not come back. I suppose that a part of me knows that, even though I am hard pressed to admit it, even to myself. I do not know. Perhaps a better statement is that I, or at least a part of me, does not want to know.

Yet at the same time, there are little tell tale signs. I have changed some profiles, and there have been times when I have been out and about without my collar. And yes, I do feel a sense of shame and embarrassment admitting that. Even more so publicly. See, while I have been punished plenty of times in my relationship, the first time as they say is always the worst.

The first time I got punished was for taking off my collar without permission. I know I have advocated that punishment should fit the crime and for me, and for my Mistress I believe it did. Some may say the cropping I did get was far more severe then it was warranted, but for me it established a few things.

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Which side of the leash?

Last week I may have mentioned, the ideas about shut up and write. The method where for a set amount odd time you write about what you have planned.The theory behind it is that it is a lot easier to rewrite things then to actually get started writing on you’re first place. Something that is certainly true of yours truly. The start of a blog is certainly a lot of a bigger hurdler then the actual writing part.

I’d love to be able to do that, to just throw myself into this with a reckless abandon, and worry about rewriting at an later stage. Sadly, my mind is a lot less geared that way. Rewriting is an agonising part of writing for me. Something where I have to admit that both my writing is not good enough, and that I really could do better. Then the question for me becomes, if I can do better why haven’t I done so in the first place? Granted I would be the first to admit that my brain is not exactly wired normally, but still that kind of thinking is both very defeating at times, if nothing else stifling in development as just plain tiring…

But enough moaning, considering that I’m writing this while I’m sitting in the train in my way home should be proof enough that I am planning to be a bit more active in my writing and start ahead of time rather then much too late.

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Best laid plans and all

So for once in the last few weeks I am actually writing on a Sunday. Not my entirely plan. Wait, what? Sit down, let me explain. I was actually planning to be good for once and write on the Saturday. Sadly I had to go and be all energetic during the day and for the afternoon I geared myself for a battle with the local telco.

And while that particular episode came to a good end eventually it meant that I felt by the time I cam home I had been running around all day. Which in reality – I had. But I was absolutely exhausted and not much good for anything.

So, I am at least planning to get a proportion of my writing done on this Sunday evening. Although by the looks of it and due to general tiredness it seems my plans are mislaid. I will have to finish my blog tomorrow. I only have come as far as the first two hundred words, the best laid plans of kittens and such.

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A quickie, then?

Once again, it is Monday and I am bend over my keyboard, insistent that I will crack out a blog post. I am long giving up the hope that I will write a long sixteen hundred word post ever week from now.

Yet I can not let myself get to the point where I would not write. I am still coming to terms with that part. Is that not strange? Do I write because I love writing (and hate it and hate to love as well as love to hate; I think that’s called: “It’s complicated”).

So yes, I will write, even if you all have to sit through my rambling thought and me trying to make sense and figure out a direction of my life. Such is the way I fear. I could pretend I am a huge a know-it-all (no coughing from the peanut gallery, please!). I am not sure how far I will get tonight, but I will give it a good try.

There have a few things that have been playing on my mind. Such as what I want in a dominant. There is a loaded question if any. I am not even sure I am ready to move on, there are still so many things that tie me to my Mistress.

But at the same time I do miss that pull of control, that driving force in my life, something that defines the boundaries in which I operate in. I have spoken about this before. How the restriction of freedom could in some circumstances, especially for submissives create more personal freedom.

So time will tell. It does not help that for the first time in a long time in this, the hours that are available to me for play, serving and socialising are even more limited then they have ever been. This also limits my time very much to people by and large in Europe. At best, I have an hour in the morning and perhaps an hour or two at most at night. Sadly this leaves, as you can see, very little time for building a relationship and training.

No idea, what the future will bring. I will keep coming back to this, there are too many people I know here, too many whom I really consider close and good friends. I may not meet them ‘in the flesh’ or ‘face to face’ as the saying goes. That however is not how I entirely define friendship. It’s being there for one another, laugh, cry and share all the times that you have, both the good and the bad. I hurt when they are hurting and I am overjoyed if things are going well in their life and they are happy.

So yes, life is not all that bad. Great friends, good health, a job – what else is there to complain. Well, … yeah you know. I am going to leave this here. I was planning to write more. About what I look for in a dominant. What I find important qualities, but I think I went over that pretty much last week.

One of the things I have seemed to be talking a lot about this last week with various folks is the concept of speech training, so perhaps that I will write something more about that next week.

A lot shorter blog then I had intended or planned this week, but at least I can have some satisfaction that I have blogged. And now, with England out of the world cup of rugby, I can perhaps take a little bit more time to relax on the weekend and devote a bit more to better planning and writing and take the proper time to get a decent blog post up.

However for now, before my head hits the keyboard and this never gets posted I am going to wrap this up. Thank you all and have a wonderful week. As for the title .. well .. who does not like a quickie *grins*

 

With love, take care please and be safe
lexi

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