Posts Tagged ‘Consent’

It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)

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Right, tonight I want to talk to you all about something that has been getting on my beef for the last few weeks. Bad dominants, and yes this topic will probably will lead probably quite a bit in to a rant. But before I delve into the topic, I will say this: There are some wonderful dominants out there, that I am truly honoured and blessed to know and have played with.

So; what would I call a good dominant? Someone who knows they are dominant (well, yes) but can also act on that without being an arrogant arse. For me, you can be dominant without showing this off by carrying multiple whips or several cuffs (dreaded Dom belt anyone?), or, Bastet forbids, trying to dominate and control everyone in a 10 meter radius. Dominant is about attitude, yes. But you can carry that attitude quietly, in your bearing, in your behaviour.

A dominant for me is one,  who displays care, love even for their charges, who listens to a submissives wants and needs and that do not disregard what the submissive said without a thought. Who is sure of themselves and does not feel a need to beat their chest to prove it.

So where would I start on what a bad dominant is. Oh boy, I think I am spoilt for choice. I think in the last few weeks, I have had more then my fair share of bad dominants. So I want to talk about this a bit more in-depth and why the idea that this is a bad thing.

I do feel I need to emphasise that this is not written about a hate for dominants, or that I think that all dominants are bastards and wrong to begin with. As I will point out in the end of this blog, there are certain situations where us submissives are just as well as fault as the dominants for creating this. I can not stress this enough. This is just something I have ran into with various dominants online in the last few weeks.

There is perhaps a reason why this has happened mostly with online dominants, although I will admit that my interactions with BDSM these days are mainly confined to that medium. However I do know that these things do happen in real life just as easy. Perhaps at times real life communities are a little bit better at weeding out the bad and the miserable so to speak.

So the best format I could come up with for writing this blog in, is in the form of a list. Kind of like the questions and answer  format that I just adore because it makes writing so easier. Thus I have spend the last twenty (okay forty-five with being side tracked) minutes setting out my outline for this blog (at the time of writing, as I wrote this over two days);


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Well, I have a confession to make. As many of you may have noticed, there was no blog last night at the stroke of midnight. In fact, midday Sunday has come and gone and there is still no blog, but of course by reading this work, you can deduct what was happening at that time!

My apologies for not having been able to stick to my regular publishing schedule. Although my orders are to publish once a week (and that includes the Sunday), last night while I was writing I was not feeling overly brilliant. Too tired, and in too much pain from a long day running around and doing chores. I decided that for once my health would be more important then the stress of making sure I got my blog done and went to sleep. I do however apologise, but I should get this done in the next few hours and post – so you still get your Sunday reading pleasures but a bit later.

This time we are starting with part 3 of common questions one runs into when starting out in BDSM. I think many people enjoy my writing having gone back to basic and I can not deny it has made a refreshing start for me as well.

Because remembering where I have come from, where we all have come from, taking these first few steps into a bigger and often initially scary looking world, full of its own language, rituals, expectations, and behaviours. I am sure there are many who are taking these steps only now, where I was over ten years ago (by the whiskers of Bastet, that makes me feel right old), learning, feeling their way, trying to assimilate every little bit of knowledge.

Today’s questions are in part given in by comments left by others (Thanks Vanni!) and some others that came forth from that. I am not sure this will be an entirely long blog – but I have been saying that for the last few weeks and every time typed out a long long amount of text for you all to read.


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As always on a Saturday, I am sitting down to write, except for the difference that for once I am writing quite a lot earlier. The reason: Real Life. There is a planned social event tomorrow with my friends in the town that I live in. This means that I can not really afford to stay up into the wee late hours of the night to agonise about what I should write about and burn the midnight oil for this.

Especially as sleep this week has been hard to come by, with one night already spending in bed counting the ceiling tiles until the first meagre rays of sunlight pierced the veil of the night, to announce the dawning arrival of a new day.

In many cases thus, writing somewhat earlier is not an overly bad thing all in all considered. If I can get this done sooner rather then later, it means both that I get some time to spend the evening relaxing, rather then pounding out the words and get plenty of sleep. Win, win if you are asking me.

While looking for something to write about I came across the following questions from a blog called “A kinky girl Bella”. While they looked interesting enough to answer them and to write quickly, on a closer look they may be somewhat more difficult to answer.

Why? Mostly because they are asking for questions on both sides of the collar. While I have no qualms in any way about writing from the submissive perspective, the opposite however is not entirely true. Writing from a dominants perspective is, by and large, mostly speculation. Sure in my years of BDSM I have an idea what goes on in their head, but by the same token I am not a mind reader and mostly what I can remark on or write about, is adapted from my point of view regardless. So I am not entirely sure yet, how I am going to tackle this.

There are two ways I can tackle this. Well officially speaking three ways, but the third would be to abandon the topic and try and find something new. Which seems not all that much of a solution at all. So that leaves me with the following two approaches that may actually work:

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Well, it was the Saturday before Christmas, when all through the cottage, not a creature was stirring, not even a kitten. The crops were hung by the chimney with care, in hope that someone who would use them would soon be there. The submissives were nestles all snug in their cages, while groans and moans of ecstasy was etched all the clearly on their well gagged faces.

I hope that Clement Clarke Moore doesn’t mind perverting the pureness and intent of this poem, but I thought it was somewhat fitting this close to Christmas. Speaking of Christmas, Has it not sneaked upon us? I was really thinking I had way to go and all of a sudden it’s less then a week to go. Luckily the shopping is mostly done.

Next week … well planning is good right, I may write a little bit in a more retrospective way, glancing back at the past year. Although; knowing that wordpress releases their blog statistics in the new year I may leave it until the third of January. We shall see how things turn out.

But first of all, I want to wish you all a very happy and wonderful Christmas. May you celebrate it in the way you want, with the persons you want and love close to you. I hope it will bring you lots of joy, good times and of course good food and drink.


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Last week I started to write about dehumanisation, as a possible path that can lead to submission and what the different ins and outs that are associated with this variant of play, or perhaps variant of living is. However I soon figured I had perhaps bitten off much more then I can chew in one blog post over one night. At least not unless I was planning to do a face-plant on keyboard in the middle of my writing and then waking up in the morning with keys stamped all over my face and not a single letter published. Plus I reached a natural ending at that point and having started up another subject would have meant that I would have to cut it off in the middle of writing.

To quickly recap last week, I dealt in the first place with the definitions as I am known to do so that everyone knows what I am talking about. Dehumanisation can be described as:  “depriving an individual of human qualities, rights, and privileges“, where depersonalisation is “characterised by the loss of identity and feelings of unreality and strangeness about one’s own behaviour” and lastly objectification which is “treating a person merely as an instrument for the sake of one owns pleasure without regard for personality, dignity or capabilities.

So this week i am going to see again how far I am going to get and if time and words again prove to be the limiting factor, then I may actually post a third blog, finishing with the last of my ideas on this topic. This week I will however start with writing about why dehumanisation and depersonalisation are so popular in bdsm and what some of the techniques and tools are that can be used or are used

And with that let’s us dive headlong in the topic.

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Sometimes when writing you are struggling to grasp a topic. You are working through your options, look here and there and trying to figure out where you want to go and where you need to go. It’s something I have described as “the terror of the blank page”. It just sits there the cursor blinking at you in the corner as if to say “well, what are you waiting for…”

Your eyes catch the blinking, knowing that at some points the words should be drawn out from there to appear on the screen before you, page after page (well at least three pages long) and your words flow like prose should flow, and …. the truth of that moment is, it never comes. This is always my fear that at that moment in time, the words just utterly completely fail me.

Of course in contrast, there are those wonderful moments that everything does fall into place and the words take off on their own and you hammer them out with the rhythmic beat that would not be without merit as the soundtrack to the mechanical workings of Victorian industrial revolution or an army marching drill.

I have always found, and I am sure that many writers and bloggers will agree with me, that writing when someone asks you to write about a certain topic is always easier then when you have to come up with a subject on your own. So today, as I am always prone todo, I decided to poke around various sims in Second Life, asking people if they have a topic about which they like to read, so that I can research it and write it.

Today, such a topic was handed by a dear friend of mine, Miss Ash Yheng, who after some discussion came to the topic of “Dehumanisation, as a path to submission“. Now considering that dehumanisation to an extend has been an interest of me, I decided that it was an interesting challenge for me to write about.

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Today’s blog, written on the eve of the of the day before, due to me travelling, is going to a fun mismatch of various topics that have streamed across my conscious in the last week. Either inspired by my time talking to people in Second Life, in my real life community or as seen on FetLife or Reddit.

First of all, while actually reading Fet or FL as it is called for short, although I always get confused with that acronym as it is used in Second Life with the meaning of “first life”. But I digress, as I was saying when browsing Fetlife this evening I saw the news that Gord, the man who was behind the website houseofgord.com and I would say at the forefront of the phorniphilia movement, has passed away at the age of 67. I am going to post the announcement here ad literatim:

On the evening of September 3rd, 2013 we lost a master, a hero, and a true artist in every sense of the word. His lover Femcar was with him till the very end, although not by his side. She was in her proper place, on her knees naked, below his desk. He burst through our world, larger than life, lived and died on his own terms. He will truly be missed, and his art will live on forever.

I am sure that there are many people both in the virtual world and in the real world who over the course of years have been inspired and influenced by Gord and his works of arts. While I don’t know Gord in person I was very much aware of his work and some of it actually resonated within me, this of course playing nicely into my likes of restrictions. What’s for sure is that he will be missed. My thoughts, and with me more than likely many others go out to his loved ones and families. Requiescat in pace.


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For a while now I have wanted to write about possessiveness within the BDSM scene. I am not sure where the idea originated from but it must have come from somewhere because I found it obviously interesting enough to make a note about wanting to visit the topic at some point.

For me, the terms are something that for me are quite often used within BDSM. They seems to come quite natural as part of the process on behalf of Dominants in BDSM based relationships. But as we shall see further down possessiveness and even protectiveness are not entirely uncommon traits to be found in dominants but are available in spades in submissives as well.

The classic definitions for possessiveness and protectiveness are as follows:

possessiveness, noun:    Excessive desire to possess or dominate
protectiveness, noun:     The quality or state of being protective. A feeling of protective affection

It is interesting to see how the definitions are worded. Words have their own meaning and we can immediately see from the description of possessiveness that it has a rather negative overtones. Also notable is the inclusion of the word dominate. So from the get go there seems to be semantic link between possessiveness and domination and bdsm in general. Perhaps not entirely that much of a surprise but still.

Let us have a look and see what these traits mean and what we can learn about them…

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Well for my second blog-post of the year I was sort of planning to write a story. Yes, I have started a new story. Directly from a challenge to write something that is much darker and harsher in tone then my previous two published stories. So in the middle of the night I got inspiration (interesting how inspiration always seem to strike right in the middle of the night when you are supposed to get sleep and never the moment you open up your trust text editor and stare at the magnificence that is the blank page?

But rest assured, there is a new story in the planning and I have a good two thousand words written on it already. And that is basically just the beginning and the end. The story is about a girl under going training at the hands of a dominant that may go to no ends to mould her in the way he sees fit. How will she last this onslaught of emotions, new attitudes and enforced servitude? Well for that you need to read my story when I put it up. But so far, the reaction have been pretty good (I have a small core of readers to which I release material from time to time). You know who you are and thank you.

But sadly, after the first dash of words, I have seen to halted and need to work out how to proceed with my work on this one, where do I want the story to go and where do I want to take my characters. What obstacles will they over come and how will I delve into the darker sides of bdsm, without giving in to sheer banality and stay true to my own writing style and do my work the justice I think it does deserve? Answers on a postcard…

One of the more awesome experiences this week was while I was sitting down and talking with a group of people a person messaged me and said she finally figured out I was the writer of this blog. I can not express how much her enthusiasm meant to me. If nothing else it is nice to be recognised (hey, it is my 15 minutes of fame and I want them!), but to hear that your blog helps to inspire people to write, that is high praise indeed. Thank you so much!

So for this week, apart from my own incessant rambling, I shall try to touch on a few topics that crossed across my mind this week.


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