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The confession of a slave

It does not make easy writing when you know you are in the dog house. It puts a damper on everything and colours your perception, your mood, your motivation and drive.  But, having to choose between writing and be further in trouble for delaying posting later then a Sunday, I much rather pound out the words, write whatever is on my heart, rather then get myself into even more deeper trouble. One bucket, load, amount, of ire is really more then I can handle at the moment.

A perhaps small word of warning. Normally when I write, I do write by and large in general terms, about topics, about things that I know of, that interest me, or things that I am exploring. Tonight in that sense is going to be a little bit different. Tonight this blog post is going to be deeply and utterly personal. It is something that weights heavily on my mind and has been for the past few days.

As many may have noticed, I written recently about speaking restrictions. Obviously as noted, a topic that is close to my heart and I have written blogs in the past where I have written in the third person, however abandoned that for the time being by writing in the first person. I think that may continue for now, based on discussion that I have had.

However, for those that know me in the virtual world of Second Life, know that for the last few weeks I have switched to a very high protocol form of speaking, a rather more restricted form of the common third person speak as is often seen. There are reasons for that, I am sure all of you can guess these.

The problem with that, that this is much harder for me, rather then just speaking in the the third person. I am endeavouring and doing my best not to screw up but, it seems every so often, or even so very often, I make a total mess of it and screw up beyond my palest dreams. It sucks, it really does. I know part of why it happens, what causes it. I am not sure how I can stop it, bar fighting my own mind and conditioning it and training it to work with me, rather then against me.

When I write, write like I do now, I don’t even look at my screen. I can even type all of this with my eyes closed. In that way, it is almost like my mind is passing a stream of consciousness straight  from my fingers, straight through my keyboard. In a way by passing any realistic mental filters. This of course translates into Second Life where my mind is my mouth in so many ways.

I am not saying this is at all right, but I am just letting my mind doing the thinking and talking. As I have said before; this blog is as much exploration, research and explanation of things. Writing for me is, as often a tool to teach and explain, a tool to help understand myself better.

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mantras and conditioning

It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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A quick rumble of thoughts

Right, let’s get this thing down on paper.

I must admit that I have very little inspiration this week in writing. I wonder if that comes due to the fact that last week I wrote about double the amount of words. In part as I said my story that I am currently working on. So far the first few reviews are quite positive. I had to make some edits to the story, just to make it work a little bit but that is all part and parcel of writing.

Admittedly, a lot more when one is writing a story, rather then when I am writing a blog. Though I will say; if I write something to a particular subject, then I tend to more or less do that as well. Freehand blogging, or waffling as some have taken to calling it (myself included), I just write, whatever comes to my mind. Not that that is always a good thing, or for that matter sometimes nothing comes to mind. Yes, I know that this does not seem likely with someone who runs her mouth off as much as I do at the best of times. Aren’t gags such wonderful things?

But you know, all best laid plans and everything. The plan was this weekend to write part of the next episode of my story and write this blog well ahead of time. So much for that. I started feeling unwell on Saturday and by the time I went to bed it had gotten worse. Today has not been much better either. So as of that my writing as suffered.
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Well, all good plans and all that are always going amiss. I was planning to actually write a story this weekend. Well for that I first needed permission. See I believe that if you are writing about persons, or at least if you write a story where a person is involved in or based upon, whether this is a true thing, or a fantasy, you need to ask them permission. It is the right thing to do. The closer you are, the more this is an ethical thing to do in writing.

Sure, sure, you can just go the general route, make up some names, change a few things and include the almighty “all persons fiction disclaimer” disclaimer, then again, while it may be safe, I think in this case it would largely be a cop-out. Especially as it is based on someone whom I interact with quite a bit these days.

So where is that story then? Well, as I said, good plans and all that: I started writing and half way through the writing I felt that I needed to set up a structure. What I had in my mind to paper so to speak, how the events were going to unfold more or less (yes, call it a god complex, which writer does not have it).  So after setting that out and dividing the various scenes, chapters and acts, or however you want to call them, I started to get to work on writing things and let my characters tell their story.

Turns out they had a lot more to tell then I thought. Who would have think that my characters are as talkative as me. So after writing a good sixteen hundred words, I finished writing the first act, I looked at the time. See, I had given myself until eight o’clock this evening to get the story finished. Clearly with the length and the events that need to take place, that is never going to happen. Sadly this is the truth of the matter, that I need to recognise my limitation in this.

 

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The Struggle Eternal

It has been more then anything else quite a busy week. All I can say is that thank god it was only four days. It was busy enough that the fourth day i must have gotten through purely on character, that and well having something to look forward to on Friday. But perhaps more about that later. With the weekend also quite busy, i have sadly neglected by far the need to actually sit down and write a blog.

I has certainly not help that this week I have very much been struggling to find a topic that I can write enough about. So this week it is going to be a mismatch of topics that I want to talk about. Some of these topics I have wanted to write about, some of these were given to me, by people. For that as always I am eternally grateful, well at least until next week!

Writing every week can be quite a struggle. Sometimes real life interferes and if you do as I, and don’t write too much about the reality of it all, but more a lot about BDSM,there are only so many different topics you can touch. Yes I am sure you all can bring arguments to the fore that yes, there are different topics to write about. And yes, you are right – I probably have written less then ten percent of all my blogs about what encompasses all that is BDSM.

The thing is however…,
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Non verbal communciation

Or how to train a submissive to react without using words.

Everyone, at least quite likely, knows about non-verbal communication. It is after all what we do every day, a lot of the time even without us being aware of doing it. It is so common and normal to us, in the same way that it is for us to speak. “hold on” you’ll say; I know when I speak. This is of course true. Yes you are aware of you speaking, you can hear the sound, you give form to thoughts. But how often do you stop and think about the process of speaking, how air is pushed out past our voice box, how that vibrates and those vibrations that give form to sounds, how we further manipulate those sounds with our mouth and tongue. That is what I mean with ‘not being aware’.

Truth is, our language as much formed by what we say, as by what we do not say, but by what we show. We use our body in its entirety to express a multitude of non spoken clues to convey meaning to what we say with facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, and tone of voice—that that quite often speak the loudest.

So, no while I do not want to talk about that kind of non verbal communication, or even suggesting that that can be trained (I am sure to a degree it can but I think there is a whole lot of reactions we do very subconsciously, and that would be pretty hard to over ride with training). So if that is not what I want to talk about?

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