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I kneel for you

Thank you all that have left kind words in one way or another on my blog or in person. Please know that I am al-right. Well relatively speaking I am sure of most would say. Yes I will be sad at times, yes I am grieving. No, I do not know what to do with my life yet, Yes I still struggle with writing more then I did. No, I still have not decided to give up blogging even though the format and times may change.

Time is the healer of all great wounds I guess one would, could say. Time will tell. I am sure that eventually I should move past this. But this is me we are talking about. Change and me? Not the easiest and most comfortable bed companions. Yes, I know, change is a part of life blah blah .. bah I say!

Anyway, moving on from that, I am trying to get something more decent written so please bear with me while I go down and hunt my inner muse and start poking her with cocktail sticks until she starts to shower me in glorious inspiration.

This week I want to write a little bit about kneeling. There seems somewhat confusion about this practise and how it is done, what it means. So, I will try  to write something about this this evening. Before anyone starts – yes, I know it’s Monday evening, so I am technically a day behind, but it’s bank holiday weekend over here so, it is sort of Sunday? That should count for something right?

Anyway, let’s get started…
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Ten months ago..

I was planning to write a nice BDSM type blog this week.

I was planning to write about the intricacies of kneeling before a dominant

Then I looked,

Then I realised,

It’s been ten months ago,

to the date

I miss her, deeply.

I love her,

Still,

After all this time,

Always.

Right now, I am feeling too much pain. I am too upset to blog more then this
May be next week. I am sorry…

Forgive me?

alexandra.

short stuff

Ah how quick does the weekend and the night go by. Even though I have not done this weekend but relaxing I have felt that I have had scarcely the time to catch my breath. Perhaps not helped in the slightest by several work emails that needed addressing there and then. But such is life.

However due to other unforeseen circumstances I only really now have the time to take a deep breath and work on my blog. Way to late to get anything properly done. Sometimes you have to accept the way life comes and you and roll with it. So I fear not a long blog this evening.

I have been mostly occupied how to continue with my life in the virtual world of Second Life. I feel, as I have touched upon, rather lost. Being without direction, without orders other then maintaining a stubbornness that would make a Jesuit swoon with pride, does have it effect on me. Granted there were long periods in my life while serving my Mistress that she was not there but at least I knew I could count on her to return.

Now however, after nearly ten months I really start to believe she is not coming back. Slowly but surely the realisation of that is setting in. There’s still a ways for me to go. But; I think that is more to do with me not willing to admit to myself, even now when writing this, rather then anything else.

As such slowly certain control structures crumble and with that I am getting slowly and further away, there is also a certain amount of anger and resentment growing and that is something I am struggling with. I do not know how I will deal with this.

But I was only going to post a quick update. Not moan about how I feel. I hope to get a better blog up soon. I do apologise for not writing a lot tonight but a lot of things on my mind and worrying about dear and wonderful friends at the same time.

At least I can say I have written something tonight. Yes, it is horribly short but time got away from me and frankly, I feel better for actually writing something rather then giving up at all. Still I should do better. I know I could do better. Am I not a lovely bundle of contradicting myself? Well who better to disagree with me then myself.

On that note, though, I fear I need to get myself in bed and get some rest. A long and busy week awaits me and I am sure all things are bound to require my immediate attention. Such is life and if I am dreadfully honest, I really would not want it another way. So once again, my apologies for this short blog and hopefully I see you all next week

Until then

Stay safe, be good, be awesome
lexi

Something oddly personal

Well good evening,

Well at the end of the day I have managed to quickly throw together a blog that is in someways more personal then you might want to know. If you do not like to know these things, I fully understand that and you may want to turn away and read something else.

Wow, that sounds a lot more heavy then I intended, okay, I admit it’s a lot of personal questions (eleven at least that talk about a fair bit about my sexual preferences). That should get your attention, you bunch of perverts.

But okay, I managed to get quickly a blog done. With being too tired and hampered by having no Internet (granted that is not an overly valid excuse). So instead of sitting around at home and moping about it, I decided that since the weather was nice that I would go out and have a nice ride. And it’s been the first ride in a long time and I enjoyed myself

So as I said, some questions with answers about me:
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Six random questions

Good evening all.

The hour is growing late and the day is turning weary as I sit down at my computer to do some writing. It has been a rather busy and chaotic week so far and with the prospect of the coming week becoming much much more busy. But I shall weather it hopefully and then things will hopefully clear up for a while.  Although clear up is all in all pretty much relative since there is more then enough work for at least double the amount of people available.

The result in this is that I have actually spend a fair amount of time this weekend, much more then normal both in world and in other online venues. I know what I am doing and why, what the mechanisms behind my actions are and how they influence me. I am not saying my methods are right or wrong. It really just how it is and a way of coping for me. Not something I have done much in the last few months but with the stress of work something that was just needed.

And it has been fun. I have been exploring a lot and talking to loads of people at my own speed. Still, there needs to be a time for writing as well and I am trying to get that in now, perhaps way to late. but better late then never, right?  Right, with about forty-five minutes left to crack on I better get cracking

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Ah to write or not to write. It is something that I seem to get to struggle with more and more these days. It’s perhaps not that amazing or shocking. This week saw the nine month pass by since I have heard anything from my Mistress. I must admit that if I am honest with myself the likely hood of her returning to Second Life is something that seems more unlikely with the time passing. It is hard to find closure in things when all you are left to face is questions without answers.

One of these questions is obviously about blogging. Yes, I know all the arguments that someone could make. It is my blog. I have put in all the work in and the words I have written are mine and mine alone, whether that was for better or worse. That is only part of the equation of course. It is however the part that I take pride in. I think I once counted all the words that I have written over the years and while it has not reached the epic proportions to put it on par with War and Peace, it is by no means an amount to be sneered at.

The counter of that argument is that, that this blog has been fairly well tied up with her. No – not in that way you perverts! She did however order me to write and for a long long while she would let me know that she had read my blog and give me feed back on it. Knowing that she read what I wrote always provided not just source of motivation, but a mental stick behind the door that helped me spur on.
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Mara’s fault.

Good evening. After the very short, and perhaps emotional loaded blog from last week, I return to you this on the last eve of this week with something completely different. A lot more lighthearted then last week, perhaps even fun (I hope!).

Above all, this week is most definitely a longer blog. However I did mention last week in my very short blog that I was going to answer some more questions. Seems that was not going to happen. While spending some well overdue time with my dear dear friend Mara, I lamented about my lack of inspiration (strange considering that I have had several questions lined up) and not wanting to write.

She helpfully suggested, well .. as helpful as Mara always is, so I leave those that know here to come up with their own conclusions, that I write a blog named Mara’s Fault. That actually resonated within me and I started to write down the title and then inspiration struck me for a story and I started pounding the keyboard. A little while later, I had a new story, aptly thus named Mara’s fault.

It is something hard to see what way a story will take you, what format it is in and how the story will shape up. But you will see that. It is not something, style wise at least, that I have written before, so in many ways it is a kind of trial for me as well. If anything be kind! But I shall no longer keep you waiting.

By all means please enjoy …!!!

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