Best laid plans and all

So for once in the last few weeks I am actually writing on a Sunday. Not my entirely plan. Wait, what? Sit down, let me explain. I was actually planning to be good for once and write on the Saturday. Sadly I had to go and be all energetic during the day and for the afternoon I geared myself for a battle with the local telco.

And while that particular episode came to a good end eventually it meant that I felt by the time I cam home I had been running around all day. Which in reality – I had. But I was absolutely exhausted and not much good for anything.

So, I am at least planning to get a proportion of my writing done on this Sunday evening. Although by the looks of it and due to general tiredness it seems my plans are mislaid. I will have to finish my blog tomorrow. I only have come as far as the first two hundred words, the best laid plans of kittens and such.
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A quickie, then?

Once again, it is Monday and I am bend over my keyboard, insistent that I will crack out a blog post. I am long giving up the hope that I will write a long sixteen hundred word post ever week from now.

Yet I can not let myself get to the point where I would not write. I am still coming to terms with that part. Is that not strange? Do I write because I love writing (and hate it and hate to love as well as love to hate; I think that’s called: “It’s complicated”).

So yes, I will write, even if you all have to sit through my rambling thought and me trying to make sense and figure out a direction of my life. Such is the way I fear. I could pretend I am a huge a know-it-all (no coughing from the peanut gallery, please!). I am not sure how far I will get tonight, but I will give it a good try.

There have a few things that have been playing on my mind. Such as what I want in a dominant. There is a loaded question if any. I am not even sure I am ready to move on, there are still so many things that tie me to my Mistress.

But at the same time I do miss that pull of control, that driving force in my life, something that defines the boundaries in which I operate in. I have spoken about this before. How the restriction of freedom could in some circumstances, especially for submissives create more personal freedom.

So time will tell. It does not help that for the first time in a long time in this, the hours that are available to me for play, serving and socialising are even more limited then they have ever been. This also limits my time very much to people by and large in Europe. At best, I have an hour in the morning and perhaps an hour or two at most at night. Sadly this leaves, as you can see, very little time for building a relationship and training.

No idea, what the future will bring. I will keep coming back to this, there are too many people I know here, too many whom I really consider close and good friends. I may not meet them ‘in the flesh’ or ‘face to face’ as the saying goes. That however is not how I entirely define friendship. It’s being there for one another, laugh, cry and share all the times that you have, both the good and the bad. I hurt when they are hurting and I am overjoyed if things are going well in their life and they are happy.

So yes, life is not all that bad. Great friends, good health, a job – what else is there to complain. Well, … yeah you know. I am going to leave this here. I was planning to write more. About what I look for in a dominant. What I find important qualities, but I think I went over that pretty much last week.

One of the things I have seemed to be talking a lot about this last week with various folks is the concept of speech training, so perhaps that I will write something more about that next week.

A lot shorter blog then I had intended or planned this week, but at least I can have some satisfaction that I have blogged. And now, with England out of the world cup of rugby, I can perhaps take a little bit more time to relax on the weekend and devote a bit more to better planning and writing and take the proper time to get a decent blog post up.

However for now, before my head hits the keyboard and this never gets posted I am going to wrap this up. Thank you all and have a wonderful week. As for the title .. well .. who does not like a quickie *grins*


With love, take care please and be safe

Shamingly late but not forgotten

As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun


Six years ago.

First of all I want to get the warning out of the way. This is not going to be a long blog.

Today is the day. It is the date of our anniversary, my collaring date. It is in many ways a painful reminder of what the last year has brought me. A year of being alone, a year of being, much without control. Strange as this may sounds (or perhaps not at all), I miss being of service to her. I miss being of use, knowing that my presence and my actions are making a difference to someone.

Of these six years, I have given her at least five, my all. My life, my devotion, my service, my heart, mind, body and soul. The strange thing is, or perhaps not the strange thing at all. My training it’s still there. I can still feel her influence over who I have become since I started talking with her.

I suppose all in all; five-six years is a long time. Part of that of course is repeating and doing things that have been part of my training, because they are so ingrained. Yes I know that is essentially what training is.

It does make it hard to let go. I have given myself a year. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough, I don’t know. Time will tell. I will know best, if and when I am ready to move on. Sometimes it feels I am close and sometimes it feels like forever.

But yes, six years ago, she put the collar in my hands and I put it around my neck and swore to serve her with everything that I had, that I was and that I would be.

My Mistress, wherever you are,
know you have as always a place in my heart.
I hope you are safe
from hurt and harm
and are happy.

Happy Anniversary, my Love.
I love you, now, then, always
think of me.


Pet play

Thank you all for the likes on my blog last week! To see people enjoy  and appreciate my words, no matter how I feel is an incredible uplifting experience. Thank you my dear and wonderful  readers.

One of the things that keeps me bringing back to the virtual world Second Life is the wonderful array of people you meet there with the various kinks they have. More then once an off hand comment has led into deep discussion about various kinks.

Much so of this happened last night. A comment lead to quite quickly through a maze of subjects including bondage, control and dove into the world of kind head first when we started to talk about the consequences of training, depersonalisation, dehumanisation and pet play.

This led me to think I really should write something about pet play as it is not a subject that I have a touched upon greatly. Even if I have done so in the past, I have not recently written anything about it. Which thus means it would be a great way to actually reintroduce the topic.

However as my mind is known to do it – it does hop from topic to topic sometimes, so while getting ready for this day, I came up with the idea that at some point I should write something more about service and the place that a maid and/or maid roleplay can have in that. I will however stick with my current chosen subject of pet-play. Mostly because I have already done the outline. This means that I will shelve the other subject for another rainy Sunday.

So, with that said; let’s get playful …
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Looking back on what once was

Well talk about funny, I was looking on submissive prompts for inspirations for a last minute, late night blog. And it seems that all the questions that actually appeal to me are those that actively have to do with my relationship with Mistress.

I am not sure how that come to be, but while this may be hard to do, perhaps it is also a good thing to do. Something that helps me both remember where I have come from, what I have been through. A famous quote goes; do not be sad that it is over, smile that it happened. I am not so sure about the first part of that statement, but there is a certain amount of truth that is part of the second one.

Perhaps this week is a rather short introduction to this rather or somewhat introspective blog. But hey, it gives you perhaps a glimpse in part of my soul and what my past is. If that kind of thing really interest you anyway. If not, well there is nothing I can do about. Well you could suggest topics for me to write about ;)

So this week there are about five questions that hark back to my relationship with Mistress. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I actually enjoyed writing it, in that bitter sweet way. There is not a lot more I can say about this but rather, I think I let the written words do the talking:
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I kneel for you

Thank you all that have left kind words in one way or another on my blog or in person. Please know that I am al-right. Well relatively speaking I am sure of most would say. Yes I will be sad at times, yes I am grieving. No, I do not know what to do with my life yet, Yes I still struggle with writing more then I did. No, I still have not decided to give up blogging even though the format and times may change.

Time is the healer of all great wounds I guess one would, could say. Time will tell. I am sure that eventually I should move past this. But this is me we are talking about. Change and me? Not the easiest and most comfortable bed companions. Yes, I know, change is a part of life blah blah .. bah I say!

Anyway, moving on from that, I am trying to get something more decent written so please bear with me while I go down and hunt my inner muse and start poking her with cocktail sticks until she starts to shower me in glorious inspiration.

This week I want to write a little bit about kneeling. There seems somewhat confusion about this practise and how it is done, what it means. So, I will try  to write something about this this evening. Before anyone starts – yes, I know it’s Monday evening, so I am technically a day behind, but it’s bank holiday weekend over here so, it is sort of Sunday? That should count for something right?

Anyway, let’s get started…
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