A woman follows along

This is … her … story.

Not her as in someone else. Her, as in herself. It is becoming increasingly hard to think of that in other ways. Even if she can think about it, the moment words leave her mouth, it seems to turn into this.

Pretty much always these days.

This would be one of first the results. There would be others. As he warned her there would be.

But that is rushing ahead of herself.
The story, her story, his narrative, starts here.

It seems so long ago that the oh so subtle changes started.

A suggestion here, a suggestion there. Always aiming and appealing to her ingrained desire to please. No wonder that she went along and followed his words. Followed him as he drew the pretty pictures in her mind. She wanted to. She desired to.

The words he spoke, were all the right ones.
Stroking her ego, matching her wit.
Stoking her desires to please and placate him.

He led her away, without asking, and she went along as He took her to His place. He know they both would be alone, and she would be away from anyone and everyone. Holding her arms against her back he guided her. She felt she had no little choice but to follow. She did not mind. Curiosity and desire over ruled her common sense.

He explained to her that he liked dressing girls, making them show off outfits he liked. He had an outfit for her in mind and proposed to change her outfit. So she would look the most pleasing for Him.

She agreed. What harm could ever come of it of wearing something else. And if it pleased him, the better. So, she agreed and stripped out of her own clothes, waiting to see what he would bring. What he would change her into.

The clothes he chose, were pink. Almost garishly so. Bright, cheerful, pink. A latex blouse, followed by a short skirt, stockings and high heels. He helped her get dressed. She stood there, blushing brightly as the pink adorning her body.

After that, He said there was only a few more things. She nodded. Her arousal was already betraying her, making her go along. Before she knew it he had cuffs on her hand, followed by a thick posture collar, she could now only look ahead as he pulled her arms to the collar in the back.

She grunted, powerless to resist

Then he showed her the earrings. Big, thick, the letters inside, making the word slave.
Dangling them in front of her eyes, spinning, letting the pink colours catch her eyes. Her eyes grew wide as he fixed them to her ears and whispered in her ear. His breath hot.

now everyone will now what you are and what you will be

He grabbed her by the chin and forced her mouth open. His fingers exploring her mouth. She groaned at the violation, the scraping. Drool started to pool and drip over her lips as he finally withdrew his fingers. Replacing them with a ballgag. He laughed and patted her cheek.

Now you look like a pretty bimbo for me,
pretty, dumb, mindless

She stood there, trembling.
Bound and gagged. Helpless.

And she still did not understand.

He clipped a leash to her and tugged

Come we have much training on you to do.

With no choice left.
With her freedom stripped
Her mind in a daze
Obediently, docilely

along … she followed.

Along comes a man.

She came across him an afternoon barely a week ago. She didn’t pay Him much attention. But upon a glance she saw his profile. That changed things, she looked closer.

She paid more and closer attention.

Heavy Control, Hypnosis,
Extreme bondage, Inescapable,

She looked further

24/7 Control, Enslavement,
Brainwashing, Mind control, Orgasm Control
Re-education, Humiliation, Degradation,
IQ Reduction, Manipulation

Her curiosity was peaked. This was her weak spot. Her secret kinks that she revealed to only so few. She knew it was likely a bad idea, but at the same time she reasoned: what could go wrong. Most of these claims had all the integrity of a wet paper bag in a hurricane.

This was of course the start of it all. She waited until he had left. After all direct approaching Him would be far to direct, far to brazen, far too .. open and appearing to eager for her..

Her heart raced as He replied.

They started talking….

The conversation as always was dancing at first around pleasantries, and nothingness. The dance to pretend we are all deep down civilised, well adjusted and balanced people.But soon the balance shifted, the questions became more probing and instead of asking questions, she found herself answering more and more. What started as a conversation, now far more turned into the form of a probing interrogation. One where she wasn’t leading the questions, but far more was being led.

What happens next …
What you have read here
How it was written..

All is for a reason.
The reason is … well …

This .. is her story.

But that is rushing ahead of herself.
The story, her story, his narrative, starts here.

Hi everyone. The world has been left, right and centre in many, many different ways and as most people have known, it was rather quiet on my blogging front. Nearly a year has passed since I decided that I wanted or need a break from blogging.  A lot of real life stuff took over and as someone said: Write whenever you feel like it, write because you want to, not because you feel you are made to (hah!).

The truth of the matter is, I did just that. I realised that blogging in the first place was taking up a significant portion of my time at that moment and that something in my life had to give. I have always felt very two ways about blogging (well, perhaps three ways even or more. I am nothing but entirely complex). The blog really took off as a something that my then dominant, Miss Tungsten wanted. But after she sadly disappeared out of my life – it became harder and harder to maintain that, even more so once I removed my collar.

On the other hand, I also maintained that this blog was mine and mine alone, and all done by my hand. This is, and remains as always true. So both statements are in fact a truth (if nothing else from a certain point of view), if not somewhat in contradictory with each other. However, it does and remains my blog, and yes while it was Miss Tungsten that made me write, it also is my thoughts and actions that does it, but the motivation of trying to please her was always there. Even when she was no longer with me. I know, I know my mind has a tendency to cling to things way after they should have come to pass.

So, you might thus wonder, what made this break my self imposed silence? Well, as I sort of alluded to, things have been changing a little bit, or a lot, depending on your view. It is been a long time since Miss Tungsten left my side, and it took me a very long time to get over this and past that. With that being said, I think by and large I am slowly starting to come out of my rut a little bit. I know there are those among you who have been watching me (hi there!), with a certain, perhaps trepidation and weariness whether the steps I am taking are the right ones. I know they are doing this only because they care and worry about me. Much as I have done so for countless other people in the past; holding their hands as they make tentative steps out in to the light again.

One of them asked me, if I would consider writing a blog, or a personal essay, regarding my experiences the last view months on what I have experienced. Being a submissive that has come out of a prolonged relationship, especially a deeper D/s relationship; what anxieties and pitfalls can you encounter, both internally and externally when starting to dip your toes back into the murky waters of dating new potential dominant partners.

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My hiatus explained

As many may have noticed, I am currently on a bit of a self imposed hiatus. A few people have remarked on this and asked me to write about the why. I reluctantly agreed to this. Now the day is drawing close I am even more regretting and perhaps to an extent resenting that I agreed to it. Why? Because despite what people may think, my blog is my own. And even more, I write because I want. I may let others actually inspire me, even put forward topics, but in the end of the day, these are my words and my thoughts that are on paper, digitally or otherwise.

It was put to me “that I only write when being prompted or told”, I think that is kinda a misnomer. Yes, I like people to give me ideas, put forward subjects. But as I have always said: It is to me to decide what to write, what direction my thoughts take me. The topic is supplied, the content is created by me.

Why do you I like topics supplied? Because, to have it quite simply put; if you blog as long as I have (since February 2012), and blog with great regularity, then yes at some point you are going to run out of topics you can talk about. There is only so many introductions into BDSM you can give, there are only so many blogs you can write about punishment, or any given topic that interest me. So yes, you start to look for inspiration elsewhere.

So often I have  started this blog by saying I picked up a discussion point, or overheard something. And more then my fair share of blogs have been started with a request of people for me to write about something. Yes I love to write for people, especially for people I feel strongly towards, to whom I submit. They can be a tremendous power of inspiration for me.

After all they bring their own mix of experiences, of wants to the table. Those may clash with mine, those may supplement mine, they may push me further then I have ever before. That is stuff I can work with. I can write and explore my own thoughts. Write and process. I have many a time mentioned that writing for me is a way of thinking out loud as it where, to process, to come to understand.

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A quick blog

Right, blog time. I have less then an hour before I need to get myself in bed. So this is not going to be a huge long and interesting blog to read. Just a few musings that I have had over the few days and just a general stream of conciousness.

Been a a really quiet week, being off on holiday and got most of my projects done, bar a view. But that is okay, those were going to be longer term any way and the rest is in a good place to proceed with. Some of the things I hope that would come to pass, have not, or rather are being delayed. Time will tell whether or not it will be. I know, entirely cryptic. Perhaps in time I can divulge what has taken place.

I had hoped to be allowed to publish a story, albeit a personal one. See, I was asked to write out a fantasy, well the thoughts I had on an orgasm, after an extended period of orgasm denial. However since it has not received permission from the person who requested I wrote it down – I can not in good consciousness post it.

So hopefully that may be posted soon.  But as always, if people are involved in some way, theirs is the say whether or not it does get published. So there may be a case of that this just won’t get published. Time will tell and if it happens you all will see it appear here in due time.
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Just a Sunday evening.

Right, it has been a very long and tiring week. More then I thought it would be. Of course the punishment from last week did not help in that regard, but that was not the main reason. Sure, it was on my mind. The distance, the realisation etc, it all plays part.

I think that my blog post was generally well received. With some very kind words by some and some even much more needed words and actions put a lot of the pain that I felt behind me. I really really hate separation. It’s such cruel and painful thing to do. Does it work? Yes, I think it does. But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it!

Work has been absolutely crazily busy. Add to that socialising and going out on Friday (which I drank a fair more few beers then usual), left me completely exhausted. This may sound silly and weird after my heartfelt blog last week, but in a way I am glad I did not see Him over that time. I would have without a shadow of a doubt messed up. Unfocused, tired, makes for an easy slip up without thinking and we can’t have that.

So far I have been trying to keep everything up, though Thursday and Friday, my email schedule was a mess. I have tried my best to be more regular over the weekend, setting my alarm. Being at home and having my mantra reminder go off is such a great help (the less said about being reminded by the way of a Swiss cow bell, the better).

Of course, He was right (mumbles), the fact that I have these rules and sticking to them, make his absence a little bit more bearable. It gives me rhythm, repeated tasks to look forward and strive at. So in that sense it does help. Still I can’t wait until Sir returns back. I am sure we have much to talk about and work through.

I am not even sure what to write about. I am just that much running on empty. And that is the lovely reality of blogging. One week you write easily over two thousand words in scarcely under and hour and the other week you are struggling to get bare enough five hundred words onthe paper.

With that said, I think for once I am not going to stress about it. It is a little bit my holiday as well and as such, I think I am allowed to take it a little bit easy. I can hope I am?
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The confession of a slave

It does not make easy writing when you know you are in the dog house. It puts a damper on everything and colours your perception, your mood, your motivation and drive.  But, having to choose between writing and be further in trouble for delaying posting later then a Sunday, I much rather pound out the words, write whatever is on my heart, rather then get myself into even more deeper trouble. One bucket, load, amount, of ire is really more then I can handle at the moment.

A perhaps small word of warning. Normally when I write, I do write by and large in general terms, about topics, about things that I know of, that interest me, or things that I am exploring. Tonight in that sense is going to be a little bit different. Tonight this blog post is going to be deeply and utterly personal. It is something that weights heavily on my mind and has been for the past few days.

As many may have noticed, I written recently about speaking restrictions. Obviously as noted, a topic that is close to my heart and I have written blogs in the past where I have written in the third person, however abandoned that for the time being by writing in the first person. I think that may continue for now, based on discussion that I have had.

However, for those that know me in the virtual world of Second Life, know that for the last few weeks I have switched to a very high protocol form of speaking, a rather more restricted form of the common third person speak as is often seen. There are reasons for that, I am sure all of you can guess these.

The problem with that, that this is much harder for me, rather then just speaking in the the third person. I am endeavouring and doing my best not to screw up but, it seems every so often, or even so very often, I make a total mess of it and screw up beyond my palest dreams. It sucks, it really does. I know part of why it happens, what causes it. I am not sure how I can stop it, bar fighting my own mind and conditioning it and training it to work with me, rather then against me.

When I write, write like I do now, I don’t even look at my screen. I can even type all of this with my eyes closed. In that way, it is almost like my mind is passing a stream of consciousness straight  from my fingers, straight through my keyboard. In a way by passing any realistic mental filters. This of course translates into Second Life where my mind is my mouth in so many ways.

I am not saying this is at all right, but I am just letting my mind doing the thinking and talking. As I have said before; this blog is as much exploration, research and explanation of things. Writing for me is, as often a tool to teach and explain, a tool to help understand myself better.

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mantras and conditioning

It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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A quick rumble of thoughts

Right, let’s get this thing down on paper.

I must admit that I have very little inspiration this week in writing. I wonder if that comes due to the fact that last week I wrote about double the amount of words. In part as I said my story that I am currently working on. So far the first few reviews are quite positive. I had to make some edits to the story, just to make it work a little bit but that is all part and parcel of writing.

Admittedly, a lot more when one is writing a story, rather then when I am writing a blog. Though I will say; if I write something to a particular subject, then I tend to more or less do that as well. Freehand blogging, or waffling as some have taken to calling it (myself included), I just write, whatever comes to my mind. Not that that is always a good thing, or for that matter sometimes nothing comes to mind. Yes, I know that this does not seem likely with someone who runs her mouth off as much as I do at the best of times. Aren’t gags such wonderful things?

But you know, all best laid plans and everything. The plan was this weekend to write part of the next episode of my story and write this blog well ahead of time. So much for that. I started feeling unwell on Saturday and by the time I went to bed it had gotten worse. Today has not been much better either. So as of that my writing as suffered.
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