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Archive for August, 2016

Just a Sunday evening.

Right, it has been a very long and tiring week. More then I thought it would be. Of course the punishment from last week did not help in that regard, but that was not the main reason. Sure, it was on my mind. The distance, the realisation etc, it all plays part.

I think that my blog post was generally well received. With some very kind words by some and some even much more needed words and actions put a lot of the pain that I felt behind me. I really really hate separation. It’s such cruel and painful thing to do. Does it work? Yes, I think it does. But it doesn’t mean that I have to like it!

Work has been absolutely crazily busy. Add to that socialising and going out on Friday (which I drank a fair more few beers then usual), left me completely exhausted. This may sound silly and weird after my heartfelt blog last week, but in a way I am glad I did not see Him over that time. I would have without a shadow of a doubt messed up. Unfocused, tired, makes for an easy slip up without thinking and we can’t have that.

So far I have been trying to keep everything up, though Thursday and Friday, my email schedule was a mess. I have tried my best to be more regular over the weekend, setting my alarm. Being at home and having my mantra reminder go off is such a great help (the less said about being reminded by the way of a Swiss cow bell, the better).

Of course, He was right (mumbles), the fact that I have these rules and sticking to them, make his absence a little bit more bearable. It gives me rhythm, repeated tasks to look forward and strive at. So in that sense it does help. Still I can’t wait until Sir returns back. I am sure we have much to talk about and work through.

I am not even sure what to write about. I am just that much running on empty. And that is the lovely reality of blogging. One week you write easily over two thousand words in scarcely under and hour and the other week you are struggling to get bare enough five hundred words onthe paper.

With that said, I think for once I am not going to stress about it. It is a little bit my holiday as well and as such, I think I am allowed to take it a little bit easy. I can hope I am?
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It does not make easy writing when you know you are in the dog house. It puts a damper on everything and colours your perception, your mood, your motivation and drive.  But, having to choose between writing and be further in trouble for delaying posting later then a Sunday, I much rather pound out the words, write whatever is on my heart, rather then get myself into even more deeper trouble. One bucket, load, amount, of ire is really more then I can handle at the moment.

A perhaps small word of warning. Normally when I write, I do write by and large in general terms, about topics, about things that I know of, that interest me, or things that I am exploring. Tonight in that sense is going to be a little bit different. Tonight this blog post is going to be deeply and utterly personal. It is something that weights heavily on my mind and has been for the past few days.

As many may have noticed, I written recently about speaking restrictions. Obviously as noted, a topic that is close to my heart and I have written blogs in the past where I have written in the third person, however abandoned that for the time being by writing in the first person. I think that may continue for now, based on discussion that I have had.

However, for those that know me in the virtual world of Second Life, know that for the last few weeks I have switched to a very high protocol form of speaking, a rather more restricted form of the common third person speak as is often seen. There are reasons for that, I am sure all of you can guess these.

The problem with that, that this is much harder for me, rather then just speaking in the the third person. I am endeavouring and doing my best not to screw up but, it seems every so often, or even so very often, I make a total mess of it and screw up beyond my palest dreams. It sucks, it really does. I know part of why it happens, what causes it. I am not sure how I can stop it, bar fighting my own mind and conditioning it and training it to work with me, rather then against me.

When I write, write like I do now, I don’t even look at my screen. I can even type all of this with my eyes closed. In that way, it is almost like my mind is passing a stream of consciousness straight  from my fingers, straight through my keyboard. In a way by passing any realistic mental filters. This of course translates into Second Life where my mind is my mouth in so many ways.

I am not saying this is at all right, but I am just letting my mind doing the thinking and talking. As I have said before; this blog is as much exploration, research and explanation of things. Writing for me is, as often a tool to teach and explain, a tool to help understand myself better.

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It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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