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Posts Tagged ‘rants’

Right, tonight I want to talk to you all about something that has been getting on my beef for the last few weeks. Bad dominants, and yes this topic will probably will lead probably quite a bit in to a rant. But before I delve into the topic, I will say this: There are some wonderful dominants out there, that I am truly honoured and blessed to know and have played with.

So; what would I call a good dominant? Someone who knows they are dominant (well, yes) but can also act on that without being an arrogant arse. For me, you can be dominant without showing this off by carrying multiple whips or several cuffs (dreaded Dom belt anyone?), or, Bastet forbids, trying to dominate and control everyone in a 10 meter radius. Dominant is about attitude, yes. But you can carry that attitude quietly, in your bearing, in your behaviour.

A dominant for me is one,  who displays care, love even for their charges, who listens to a submissives wants and needs and that do not disregard what the submissive said without a thought. Who is sure of themselves and does not feel a need to beat their chest to prove it.

So where would I start on what a bad dominant is. Oh boy, I think I am spoilt for choice. I think in the last few weeks, I have had more then my fair share of bad dominants. So I want to talk about this a bit more in-depth and why the idea that this is a bad thing.

I do feel I need to emphasise that this is not written about a hate for dominants, or that I think that all dominants are bastards and wrong to begin with. As I will point out in the end of this blog, there are certain situations where us submissives are just as well as fault as the dominants for creating this. I can not stress this enough. This is just something I have ran into with various dominants online in the last few weeks.

There is perhaps a reason why this has happened mostly with online dominants, although I will admit that my interactions with BDSM these days are mainly confined to that medium. However I do know that these things do happen in real life just as easy. Perhaps at times real life communities are a little bit better at weeding out the bad and the miserable so to speak.

So the best format I could come up with for writing this blog in, is in the form of a list. Kind of like the questions and answer  format that I just adore because it makes writing so easier. Thus I have spend the last twenty (okay forty-five with being side tracked) minutes setting out my outline for this blog (at the time of writing, as I wrote this over two days);

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There are days, when I just seem not to be able to write. Well no, that is not true. I have written. A lot actually. I have been writing reports and plans at work. Today I replied somewhat ranty to someone on facebook and that was a good 400 odd words.

So all in all I have written more then my fair share of words today. It is perhaps little to no surprise with the little but good sleep I have been getting the last few days that my ability to creatively write has somewhat diminished. And this … this annoys me to no reason.

I should be able to write at least something. And I will not give up on this. This may not be long but I want to at least write something, because I am. *sighs* Yes, I am stubborn! And a whole lot of other things that are all wrapped up in a confusing ball called emotions.

Still, I had a lovely conversation with someone I know in Second Life. Turns out that we are pretty much life next to each other in different sims. As far as that goes with the size of the Second Life world, that means we are practically neighbours within shouting distance. I may have to wander over one day and explore some of her parts of the world.

So for tonight, I am going to go back to the questions about Dominants and their submissive. So a bit more relational wise. Other than that, it’s just going to be case about sitting down, and stop feeling sorry for myself and write.

Let’s roll!

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Last week I may have mentioned, the ideas about shut up and write. The method where for a set amount odd time you write about what you have planned.The theory behind it is that it is a lot easier to rewrite things then to actually get started writing on you’re first place. Something that is certainly true of yours truly. The start of a blog is certainly a lot of a bigger hurdler then the actual writing part.

I’d love to be able to do that, to just throw myself into this with a reckless abandon, and worry about rewriting at an later stage. Sadly, my mind is a lot less geared that way. Rewriting is an agonising part of writing for me. Something where I have to admit that both my writing is not good enough, and that I really could do better. Then the question for me becomes, if I can do better why haven’t I done so in the first place? Granted I would be the first to admit that my brain is not exactly wired normally, but still that kind of thinking is both very defeating at times, if nothing else stifling in development as just plain tiring…

But enough moaning, considering that I’m writing this while I’m sitting in the train in my way home should be proof enough that I am planning to be a bit more active in my writing and start ahead of time rather then much too late. (more…)

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As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun

lexi

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Good evening everyone.

It was a busy weekend, to the point of even getting a slight sunburn. I don’t do well in the sun. However some of the work I wanted to do in the garden is finally done. By no means I am done here but it doesn’t look as much as the overgrown jungle that it was.

As such I have been rather the opposite today and mostly been lounging around the house and relaxing. It does seem that this is the way my weekends are shaping up. Saturday for social and Sunday for rest and relaxation, preparing myself for the week to come. All in all I can live with that.

As for the world of Second Life, well that’s up and down. I still log in and talk to people but nowhere near as much as I used to. It’s kinda bizarre in how many ways my life has changed in the last few months. All in all I would say for the better except … well I think most of you know me well enough to know where that one is leading. Still no word, no sign, no nothing.

It’s coming up nine months and yet I still can’t to seem to be able to shake myself loose from her. I still feel bad if I do something that I know would carry her disapproval. Strange but I suppose in a way it is not. That’s the effect of her training. Maybe one day, I can move past it … but not at the moment.

While I am saying not now, I have noticed that in many cases I feel somewhat less strongly about infractions. I still do not like making them but at the same time the times that I would tear myself apart over this have also moved behind me. I suppose that having gone unchecked for the last nine months is part that effect. As I wrote a long long time ago when I started this blog – there is much power in knowing there is a stick behind the door. That motivation that comes with knowing both where your boundaries lies and what crossing those boundaries means.
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It’s been all in all a rather busy week but at least in most respects; plus admittedly I am still a little bit hungover after going out out on the town last night. Ever heard about this saying “write drunk, edit sober”? I am sure Hemingway had no problem doing that but it seems I am not good either of them. It’s also questionable if the quote actually is directly attributable to Hemingway but that is perhaps for literary musings of another time.

No, I am not still drunk. I have in the past tried to write drunk. Three martini’s is a hell of a kick to be writing on, it also makes it actually a lot harder to write then you would think. Editing sober, is only decent if you don’t have to deal with a hangover. But, no sympathy after all for self inflicted pain. Besides, pain inflicted by others can be much more delicious and better, well, as long as it is consensual.

But a week can be quite a difference. I think I am somewhat start to acclimatise to the work schedule although I know I still have a long to go. However this weekend is a first one in a long time that I feel fairly relaxed without the hint of any kind of anxiety or panic feelings. So hey, that’s a fairly huge step forward.

But really, what a difference a week can make. As I wrote last week, I got slightly tied up by a dominant. But that was not the end of it, and neither was it slightly. Following on from that evening, I pretty much spend the week tied up, gagged, bound, helpless in one way of another. It’s been, as you can imagine, a rather long time since I have been that tightly and that long restrained.

It did teach me at least some things …
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Yes, it is Easter again and despite my promise that I should answer some of my march Question and Answers this week around I totally had forgotten that I would go and visit family. Well, not forgotten that I was going to visit family but I forgot that I would have had taken my log files from Second Life and emails with me so that I could have exacted them while I sat here relaxing.

So, another failed attempt, I do apologise for that. I am pretty much not sure what to write about so I am going to do something what I am want to do in situations like this and that is just write free-style and talk about the things that occupy my mind at the current moment.

Hopefully next week I will get around to writing more about the March Questions that I have received and the answers that I have come up with. I also have a plan for writing something from my point of view about the right and duties of dominants. This is essentially a follow up to the “submissive rights” blog post I did a while back.

I have been asked to at least write a follow up called the consequences of certain behaviour in a submissive, especially the consequences of using your rights all too often. While I think it was meant too highlight what would happen if submissives use their rights as a shield to just throw it around (and yes, it does happen). Still it bears some thinking about.

If something is an inalienable right, one should have the right to use it whenever and where ever it is applicable. However there may be some consequences for it. Those consequences I want to address. However as much as everything else, I am thinking about the format in which I want to write that.
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