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Archive for September, 2015

As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun

lexi

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Six years ago.

First of all I want to get the warning out of the way. This is not going to be a long blog.

Today is the day. It is the date of our anniversary, my collaring date. It is in many ways a painful reminder of what the last year has brought me. A year of being alone, a year of being, much without control. Strange as this may sounds (or perhaps not at all), I miss being of service to her. I miss being of use, knowing that my presence and my actions are making a difference to someone.

Of these six years, I have given her at least five, my all. My life, my devotion, my service, my heart, mind, body and soul. The strange thing is, or perhaps not the strange thing at all. My training it’s still there. I can still feel her influence over who I have become since I started talking with her.

I suppose all in all; five-six years is a long time. Part of that of course is repeating and doing things that have been part of my training, because they are so ingrained. Yes I know that is essentially what training is.

It does make it hard to let go. I have given myself a year. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough, I don’t know. Time will tell. I will know best, if and when I am ready to move on. Sometimes it feels I am close and sometimes it feels like forever.

But yes, six years ago, she put the collar in my hands and I put it around my neck and swore to serve her with everything that I had, that I was and that I would be.

My Mistress, wherever you are,
know you have as always a place in my heart.
I hope you are safe
from hurt and harm
and are happy.

Happy Anniversary, my Love.
I love you, now, then, always
think of me.

yours
alexandra

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Thank you all for the likes on my blog last week! To see people enjoy  and appreciate my words, no matter how I feel is an incredible uplifting experience. Thank you my dear and wonderful  readers.

One of the things that keeps me bringing back to the virtual world Second Life is the wonderful array of people you meet there with the various kinks they have. More then once an off hand comment has led into deep discussion about various kinks.

Much so of this happened last night. A comment lead to quite quickly through a maze of subjects including bondage, control and dove into the world of kind head first when we started to talk about the consequences of training, depersonalisation, dehumanisation and pet play.

This led me to think I really should write something about pet play as it is not a subject that I have a touched upon greatly. Even if I have done so in the past, I have not recently written anything about it. Which thus means it would be a great way to actually reintroduce the topic.

However as my mind is known to do it – it does hop from topic to topic sometimes, so while getting ready for this day, I came up with the idea that at some point I should write something more about service and the place that a maid and/or maid roleplay can have in that. I will however stick with my current chosen subject of pet-play. Mostly because I have already done the outline. This means that I will shelve the other subject for another rainy Sunday.

So, with that said; let’s get playful …
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Well talk about funny, I was looking on submissive prompts for inspirations for a last minute, late night blog. And it seems that all the questions that actually appeal to me are those that actively have to do with my relationship with Mistress.

I am not sure how that come to be, but while this may be hard to do, perhaps it is also a good thing to do. Something that helps me both remember where I have come from, what I have been through. A famous quote goes; do not be sad that it is over, smile that it happened. I am not so sure about the first part of that statement, but there is a certain amount of truth that is part of the second one.

Perhaps this week is a rather short introduction to this rather or somewhat introspective blog. But hey, it gives you perhaps a glimpse in part of my soul and what my past is. If that kind of thing really interest you anyway. If not, well there is nothing I can do about. Well you could suggest topics for me to write about 😉

So this week there are about five questions that hark back to my relationship with Mistress. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I actually enjoyed writing it, in that bitter sweet way. There is not a lot more I can say about this but rather, I think I let the written words do the talking:
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