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Archive for the ‘Second Life’ Category

As many may have noticed, I am currently on a bit of a self imposed hiatus. A few people have remarked on this and asked me to write about the why. I reluctantly agreed to this. Now the day is drawing close I am even more regretting and perhaps to an extent resenting that I agreed to it. Why? Because despite what people may think, my blog is my own. And even more, I write because I want. I may let others actually inspire me, even put forward topics, but in the end of the day, these are my words and my thoughts that are on paper, digitally or otherwise.

It was put to me “that I only write when being prompted or told”, I think that is kinda a misnomer. Yes, I like people to give me ideas, put forward subjects. But as I have always said: It is to me to decide what to write, what direction my thoughts take me. The topic is supplied, the content is created by me.

Why do you I like topics supplied? Because, to have it quite simply put; if you blog as long as I have (since February 2012), and blog with great regularity, then yes at some point you are going to run out of topics you can talk about. There is only so many introductions into BDSM you can give, there are only so many blogs you can write about punishment, or any given topic that interest me. So yes, you start to look for inspiration elsewhere.

So often I have  started this blog by saying I picked up a discussion point, or overheard something. And more then my fair share of blogs have been started with a request of people for me to write about something. Yes I love to write for people, especially for people I feel strongly towards, to whom I submit. They can be a tremendous power of inspiration for me.

After all they bring their own mix of experiences, of wants to the table. Those may clash with mine, those may supplement mine, they may push me further then I have ever before. That is stuff I can work with. I can write and explore my own thoughts. Write and process. I have many a time mentioned that writing for me is a way of thinking out loud as it where, to process, to come to understand.

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It does not make easy writing when you know you are in the dog house. It puts a damper on everything and colours your perception, your mood, your motivation and drive.  But, having to choose between writing and be further in trouble for delaying posting later then a Sunday, I much rather pound out the words, write whatever is on my heart, rather then get myself into even more deeper trouble. One bucket, load, amount, of ire is really more then I can handle at the moment.

A perhaps small word of warning. Normally when I write, I do write by and large in general terms, about topics, about things that I know of, that interest me, or things that I am exploring. Tonight in that sense is going to be a little bit different. Tonight this blog post is going to be deeply and utterly personal. It is something that weights heavily on my mind and has been for the past few days.

As many may have noticed, I written recently about speaking restrictions. Obviously as noted, a topic that is close to my heart and I have written blogs in the past where I have written in the third person, however abandoned that for the time being by writing in the first person. I think that may continue for now, based on discussion that I have had.

However, for those that know me in the virtual world of Second Life, know that for the last few weeks I have switched to a very high protocol form of speaking, a rather more restricted form of the common third person speak as is often seen. There are reasons for that, I am sure all of you can guess these.

The problem with that, that this is much harder for me, rather then just speaking in the the third person. I am endeavouring and doing my best not to screw up but, it seems every so often, or even so very often, I make a total mess of it and screw up beyond my palest dreams. It sucks, it really does. I know part of why it happens, what causes it. I am not sure how I can stop it, bar fighting my own mind and conditioning it and training it to work with me, rather then against me.

When I write, write like I do now, I don’t even look at my screen. I can even type all of this with my eyes closed. In that way, it is almost like my mind is passing a stream of consciousness straight  from my fingers, straight through my keyboard. In a way by passing any realistic mental filters. This of course translates into Second Life where my mind is my mouth in so many ways.

I am not saying this is at all right, but I am just letting my mind doing the thinking and talking. As I have said before; this blog is as much exploration, research and explanation of things. Writing for me is, as often a tool to teach and explain, a tool to help understand myself better.

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It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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Last week I was asked a question, or rather I was the one who asked for a topic, and the answer was posted as a statement; something to think about. This statement was: “A topic I’ve been thinking about lately has been about how familiarity breeds contempt. Is there a benefit in maintaining a formality to a strictly D/s relationship and refining casual banter/restricting such speech…

This lead to this blogpost, which is admittedly a rewording of this topic that I wrote earlier this week, changed and expanded on it in further discussions. I asked and was allowed to share this blog post with you all. So here goes. The idea itself has actually been plaguing on my mind a lot last week, though writing this did help me to gain at least some perspective on the topic. Still the various thoughts and all that kept ruining through my mind all of this week. It does take time occasionally for me to really grasp a topic that I have been asked to think about in depth and realise the implications of them.

The question is: does familiarity breed indeed contempt? To answer that question, research has to start at the beginning. In this case, what does the sentence actually mean, or where does it even come from? The origin of the saying lies in Aesop’s FableThe Fox and the Lion

When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony.

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So, yes, it’s been very quiet on my blog. It seems the writing had gotten a bit in a rut over the last month plus. Whether this is a good thing or not, I don’t know. I love to say that soon I will return to regular blogging, however I loathe to make claims I would be unwilling to keep.

Likewise, the saying that the thought about writing is never far from my mind, would at best be a half truth. In part it is true. Bit thinking about writing only gets you so far. Doing it is the real test. And it is a test that I perhaps with shocking regularity seem to fail.

On the other hand, writing in many ways has become a chore. Something that had to be done, rather something that I wanted to do. Whether that is because I was ordered, because I had things to share, is perhaps a lesser concern then the fact that I enjoyed doing it.

Maybe not the struggle, but certainly the finished product. The efforts of my labour. However that has become less and less over the last year and a half. The new job (if you can talk about new, still) is challenging, and the longer commute certainly drain my energy.

To spend several hours agonising about what to write and to write had come to symbolise an expenditure of energy that at times is hard to justify to myself. Sometimes the weekend is just not long enough to waste that energy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my current job, and I’m learning more and new things each day.

But something just had to give. And this, my blog had been one of the few. So, where does that leave me? Is this goodbye, shall this place and I fade slowly into that dark night? Why, yes, I have a flair for the dramatic.

To answer that question….
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A couple of years ago, I was talking to a dominant in second life, and we seemed to get on. He certainly was nice enough. However after a while, and a few meetings and playing, I stopped seeing him. Why?

The entire notion of what happened came down to one thing really (a few others as well but those were not of such a severity that they couldn’t be overcome): The reason was this; he was definitely too nice.

I know this may sound strange, but it is the reason. When I expressed this thought to friends, some understood, some did not. Trying to explain myself did not entirely work, so perhaps in the peace and quiet while writing I have better success in achieving this.

The first question really is: Do I not like nice people? The answer is: of course I do. I love nice and warm people. I love being cuddled, having my hair played with, and other displays of affection.  Just like any other person, like any human being, I love being treated well, with respect. Being loved is a beautiful privilege.

As I mentioned before, I adore display of affection. Being a submissive my definition of what constitutes this, may perhaps be a bit different from what other (okay, vanilla) people will see as affection. Kneeling in front of someone, being allowed to kiss their feet, a firm grip in my neck, or a hand in the small of my back guiding me, are only but a few of the ways that make me feel cherished and loved.

So, given all of the above, why would I not appreciate someone who is nice to me. This is because I left out an important distinction. I do not like people being nice to me within the context of a BDSM scene.
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Busy, busy, busy. That is pretty much the way it somehow seems to best describe my love as of late. In have not been much in a mood for writing ( yes, the age old dilemma rearing its ugly head once again); not in the least helped by the fact that last weekend I needed to recover much from the weekend before where I sadly needed to work, due to unforeseen circumstances. Luckily I managed to get a few posts written, this one being one of them.

A touch too late but better late then never. And above all I wanted to write. So this post has actually been a couple of weeks in the making and I decided to finish it tonight.

In my blog ‘Trained to Talk‘, (admittedly something that I really enjoyed writing, both in form and in subject, but digressing!),  the lady Gotham left a comment asking the following:

I think that gender plays a role here in that being submissive to a Mistress is very different than being submissive to a Master. I am a Mistress and I have had submissives of both genders respectively; not at the same time. However, it was a very different experience. I preferred the female slave however it’s a delicate balance either way. Can you speak to the gender issue please in terms of the submissive point of view.”

Lady Gotham, on December 25, 2015 at 5:37 pm

I have long pondered this question, and wondered what to exactly say about this. Perhaps in part as this was not entirely clear in my own mind what the question was. Not at least because the whole gender on submission question, is something that that feels like a much bigger topic then one that I could answer in a single blog post.So why write about it regardless? Mostly, if not completely by the sheer fact that it has been awhile since lady Gotham asked her question. But I promised that in I would write about it, and while my timing is entirely off ( nothing new there, eh) I will keep to my promise.

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As some may notice it’s been a while since I last wrote. The twenty-sixth of January to be precise. That is a very long time. There are some reasons for it which I will explain in this blog post. This will however not be a long one.

More then anything I am forcing myself to write. Does that sound weird? It does a little bit. After all I am so apt to say that since this is my blog, so therefore my rules. Yet, it is that I find vehemently disagree with myself. Truth to be told – I disagree often enough with everyone else, why should I be of any difference?

Truth is, I do like to write to an extent. Sure, I struggle with it at times, but you know, I am not really ready yet to throw the towel in. The whole once a week thing may have to stop but time will tell on that. It does get harder over time to find something to write about.

Still, yes, I love writing and I love seeing people like my writing. It’s also been nearly four years since I started writing in earnest on this blog. As many may recall, I did have a blog prior to that but I wrote only sporadically on it. In 2009, Mistress, … yes, in my mind she is still my Mistress. I know, I took her collar off, I know she has not been in world for such a very very long time. Nor has she reacted to emails or IM’s on google talk. But, I have mentioned this so many times before.

Yet, yet I can not pull myself away from what I feel. How I feel about her. Is this fair? Fair to whom? To me, to others? I do not know. I know very much that I am not ready to move on perhaps. On the other hand, I may just as well clinging to the remnants, dwelling in the past as they say. I do not know what.  It does not help that I just realised that it is pretty much exactly four years ago (give or take 4 days) since I started blogging.
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Right, tonight I want to talk to you all about something that has been getting on my beef for the last few weeks. Bad dominants, and yes this topic will probably will lead probably quite a bit in to a rant. But before I delve into the topic, I will say this: There are some wonderful dominants out there, that I am truly honoured and blessed to know and have played with.

So; what would I call a good dominant? Someone who knows they are dominant (well, yes) but can also act on that without being an arrogant arse. For me, you can be dominant without showing this off by carrying multiple whips or several cuffs (dreaded Dom belt anyone?), or, Bastet forbids, trying to dominate and control everyone in a 10 meter radius. Dominant is about attitude, yes. But you can carry that attitude quietly, in your bearing, in your behaviour.

A dominant for me is one,  who displays care, love even for their charges, who listens to a submissives wants and needs and that do not disregard what the submissive said without a thought. Who is sure of themselves and does not feel a need to beat their chest to prove it.

So where would I start on what a bad dominant is. Oh boy, I think I am spoilt for choice. I think in the last few weeks, I have had more then my fair share of bad dominants. So I want to talk about this a bit more in-depth and why the idea that this is a bad thing.

I do feel I need to emphasise that this is not written about a hate for dominants, or that I think that all dominants are bastards and wrong to begin with. As I will point out in the end of this blog, there are certain situations where us submissives are just as well as fault as the dominants for creating this. I can not stress this enough. This is just something I have ran into with various dominants online in the last few weeks.

There is perhaps a reason why this has happened mostly with online dominants, although I will admit that my interactions with BDSM these days are mainly confined to that medium. However I do know that these things do happen in real life just as easy. Perhaps at times real life communities are a little bit better at weeding out the bad and the miserable so to speak.

So the best format I could come up with for writing this blog in, is in the form of a list. Kind of like the questions and answer  format that I just adore because it makes writing so easier. Thus I have spend the last twenty (okay forty-five with being side tracked) minutes setting out my outline for this blog (at the time of writing, as I wrote this over two days);

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