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Posts Tagged ‘d/s’

Hi everyone. The world has been left, right and centre in many, many different ways and as most people have known, it was rather quiet on my blogging front. Nearly a year has passed since I decided that I wanted or need a break from blogging.  A lot of real life stuff took over and as someone said: Write whenever you feel like it, write because you want to, not because you feel you are made to (hah!).

The truth of the matter is, I did just that. I realised that blogging in the first place was taking up a significant portion of my time at that moment and that something in my life had to give. I have always felt very two ways about blogging (well, perhaps three ways even or more. I am nothing but entirely complex). The blog really took off as a something that my then dominant, Miss Tungsten wanted. But after she sadly disappeared out of my life – it became harder and harder to maintain that, even more so once I removed my collar.

On the other hand, I also maintained that this blog was mine and mine alone, and all done by my hand. This is, and remains as always true. So both statements are in fact a truth (if nothing else from a certain point of view), if not somewhat in contradictory with each other. However, it does and remains my blog, and yes while it was Miss Tungsten that made me write, it also is my thoughts and actions that does it, but the motivation of trying to please her was always there. Even when she was no longer with me. I know, I know my mind has a tendency to cling to things way after they should have come to pass.

So, you might thus wonder, what made this break my self imposed silence? Well, as I sort of alluded to, things have been changing a little bit, or a lot, depending on your view. It is been a long time since Miss Tungsten left my side, and it took me a very long time to get over this and past that. With that being said, I think by and large I am slowly starting to come out of my rut a little bit. I know there are those among you who have been watching me (hi there!), with a certain, perhaps trepidation and weariness whether the steps I am taking are the right ones. I know they are doing this only because they care and worry about me. Much as I have done so for countless other people in the past; holding their hands as they make tentative steps out in to the light again.

One of them asked me, if I would consider writing a blog, or a personal essay, regarding my experiences the last view months on what I have experienced. Being a submissive that has come out of a prolonged relationship, especially a deeper D/s relationship; what anxieties and pitfalls can you encounter, both internally and externally when starting to dip your toes back into the murky waters of dating new potential dominant partners.

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It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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Well, all good plans and all that are always going amiss. I was planning to actually write a story this weekend. Well for that I first needed permission. See I believe that if you are writing about persons, or at least if you write a story where a person is involved in or based upon, whether this is a true thing, or a fantasy, you need to ask them permission. It is the right thing to do. The closer you are, the more this is an ethical thing to do in writing.

Sure, sure, you can just go the general route, make up some names, change a few things and include the almighty “all persons fiction disclaimer” disclaimer, then again, while it may be safe, I think in this case it would largely be a cop-out. Especially as it is based on someone whom I interact with quite a bit these days.

So where is that story then? Well, as I said, good plans and all that: I started writing and half way through the writing I felt that I needed to set up a structure. What I had in my mind to paper so to speak, how the events were going to unfold more or less (yes, call it a god complex, which writer does not have it).  So after setting that out and dividing the various scenes, chapters and acts, or however you want to call them, I started to get to work on writing things and let my characters tell their story.

Turns out they had a lot more to tell then I thought. Who would have think that my characters are as talkative as me. So after writing a good sixteen hundred words, I finished writing the first act, I looked at the time. See, I had given myself until eight o’clock this evening to get the story finished. Clearly with the length and the events that need to take place, that is never going to happen. Sadly this is the truth of the matter, that I need to recognise my limitation in this.

 

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It has been more then anything else quite a busy week. All I can say is that thank god it was only four days. It was busy enough that the fourth day i must have gotten through purely on character, that and well having something to look forward to on Friday. But perhaps more about that later. With the weekend also quite busy, i have sadly neglected by far the need to actually sit down and write a blog.

I has certainly not help that this week I have very much been struggling to find a topic that I can write enough about. So this week it is going to be a mismatch of topics that I want to talk about. Some of these topics I have wanted to write about, some of these were given to me, by people. For that as always I am eternally grateful, well at least until next week!

Writing every week can be quite a struggle. Sometimes real life interferes and if you do as I, and don’t write too much about the reality of it all, but more a lot about BDSM,there are only so many different topics you can touch. Yes I am sure you all can bring arguments to the fore that yes, there are different topics to write about. And yes, you are right – I probably have written less then ten percent of all my blogs about what encompasses all that is BDSM.

The thing is however…,
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Last week I was asked a question, or rather I was the one who asked for a topic, and the answer was posted as a statement; something to think about. This statement was: “A topic I’ve been thinking about lately has been about how familiarity breeds contempt. Is there a benefit in maintaining a formality to a strictly D/s relationship and refining casual banter/restricting such speech…

This lead to this blogpost, which is admittedly a rewording of this topic that I wrote earlier this week, changed and expanded on it in further discussions. I asked and was allowed to share this blog post with you all. So here goes. The idea itself has actually been plaguing on my mind a lot last week, though writing this did help me to gain at least some perspective on the topic. Still the various thoughts and all that kept ruining through my mind all of this week. It does take time occasionally for me to really grasp a topic that I have been asked to think about in depth and realise the implications of them.

The question is: does familiarity breed indeed contempt? To answer that question, research has to start at the beginning. In this case, what does the sentence actually mean, or where does it even come from? The origin of the saying lies in Aesop’s FableThe Fox and the Lion

When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony.

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This blog, has been a while in the making, mostly because of a single sentence that was uttered to this girl during play. As such things go, it did stick in her head, and from that single seed this blog grew. If that was where the seed was planted, then why has this taken so long to come to fruition?

As such things go, they sit around, trying to find the right angle, finding the right words and then a second bit comes and slowly the ideas, the structure starts to take place. As such, sometimes it can take a long time for things to get to that point, sometimes they come instantly.

Of course,  it is always easier to write to direct questions like the last few blogs but sometimes one has to sit down and write properly. As this girl has often mentioned. Writing is often as much sharing what she knows as as well figuring out what she is writing about.

One note is there will be a little bit of a change on this blog. From now on she will actually have a little bit P.S.at the end of the blog; this is where she will be sharing some of her thoughts she had this week, which she has been requested to do. So that will have its own separate header at the end of the blog.

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To write, to talk about speech. This is something that this girl has been experiencing in one way or another for the last few weeks. As some may remember, she wore a while back a whole blog post in the third person. As then today she has decided to follow in those footsteps and write once again a blog in the third person rather then the first person like this girl normally tends to do.

Some of you may remember the blog this girl wrote a few months back, called trained to talk. She hopes that this blog will build and expand on that. Mostly by perhaps going into more variation and deeper into this. Now this girl realises that the style of this blog post and the subject may not to be everyone’s liking but she hopes nonetheless that most find this enlightening and enjoyable reading. As well as that she also hopes that

One thing this girl has realised, is how easy it is for her to slip into this form of both speaking and writing. She found a quote on another blog where a girl was saying why she explicitly would not use third speech. That girls reason was very much as follows: “Once you get into the habit of using certain speech, or typing restrictions, it’s very difficult to stop using them.

Obviously this girl realises that there is a certain kernel of truth in this. Perhaps it is a mindset, perhaps it is part of having an compliant mind. This girl won’t profess that she knows the answer. She knows that several dominant would point out that this is entirely because this girl has the mind of a slave and it is that part of her mind accepting and acknowledging this. This girl honestly doesn’t know. Maybe they are right, or perhaps it is something else…

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A couple of years ago, I was talking to a dominant in second life, and we seemed to get on. He certainly was nice enough. However after a while, and a few meetings and playing, I stopped seeing him. Why?

The entire notion of what happened came down to one thing really (a few others as well but those were not of such a severity that they couldn’t be overcome): The reason was this; he was definitely too nice.

I know this may sound strange, but it is the reason. When I expressed this thought to friends, some understood, some did not. Trying to explain myself did not entirely work, so perhaps in the peace and quiet while writing I have better success in achieving this.

The first question really is: Do I not like nice people? The answer is: of course I do. I love nice and warm people. I love being cuddled, having my hair played with, and other displays of affection.  Just like any other person, like any human being, I love being treated well, with respect. Being loved is a beautiful privilege.

As I mentioned before, I adore display of affection. Being a submissive my definition of what constitutes this, may perhaps be a bit different from what other (okay, vanilla) people will see as affection. Kneeling in front of someone, being allowed to kiss their feet, a firm grip in my neck, or a hand in the small of my back guiding me, are only but a few of the ways that make me feel cherished and loved.

So, given all of the above, why would I not appreciate someone who is nice to me. This is because I left out an important distinction. I do not like people being nice to me within the context of a BDSM scene.
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Busy, busy, busy. That is pretty much the way it somehow seems to best describe my love as of late. In have not been much in a mood for writing ( yes, the age old dilemma rearing its ugly head once again); not in the least helped by the fact that last weekend I needed to recover much from the weekend before where I sadly needed to work, due to unforeseen circumstances. Luckily I managed to get a few posts written, this one being one of them.

A touch too late but better late then never. And above all I wanted to write. So this post has actually been a couple of weeks in the making and I decided to finish it tonight.

In my blog ‘Trained to Talk‘, (admittedly something that I really enjoyed writing, both in form and in subject, but digressing!),  the lady Gotham left a comment asking the following:

I think that gender plays a role here in that being submissive to a Mistress is very different than being submissive to a Master. I am a Mistress and I have had submissives of both genders respectively; not at the same time. However, it was a very different experience. I preferred the female slave however it’s a delicate balance either way. Can you speak to the gender issue please in terms of the submissive point of view.”

Lady Gotham, on December 25, 2015 at 5:37 pm

I have long pondered this question, and wondered what to exactly say about this. Perhaps in part as this was not entirely clear in my own mind what the question was. Not at least because the whole gender on submission question, is something that that feels like a much bigger topic then one that I could answer in a single blog post.So why write about it regardless? Mostly, if not completely by the sheer fact that it has been awhile since lady Gotham asked her question. But I promised that in I would write about it, and while my timing is entirely off ( nothing new there, eh) I will keep to my promise.

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