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Posts Tagged ‘reflection’

Well, the date has come and gone and passed with much less emotional upheaval then I thought it would. Perhaps not surprising as I have been gearing up for this for rather a long time. Especially during this month I have been more then religiously been checking information. But no. There has been no change. On the one hand, this does make me sad. It does mean that I have little to no closure nor knowledge about what happened.

On the other hand … it also gives me a certain sense of comfort. I know that sounds strange but for someone like me, change is upheaval. Something that with her best intentions, Mistress never managed to train out of me. It means that a situation had unchanged.

I can find solace in that, yet not acceptance. Well perhaps acceptance that she will not come back. I suppose that a part of me knows that, even though I am hard pressed to admit it, even to myself. I do not know. Perhaps a better statement is that I, or at least a part of me, does not want to know.

Yet at the same time, there are little tell tale signs. I have changed some profiles, and there have been times when I have been out and about without my collar. And yes, I do feel a sense of shame and embarrassment admitting that. Even more so publicly. See, while I have been punished plenty of times in my relationship, the first time as they say is always the worst.

The first time I got punished was for taking off my collar without permission. I know I have advocated that punishment should fit the crime and for me, and for my Mistress I believe it did. Some may say the cropping I did get was far more severe then it was warranted, but for me it established a few things.

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As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun

lexi

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To all my readers, a very happy New Year and the best wishes. I hope you all had a wonderful New Years eve! Mine was reasonably quiet, although there was some fireworks set off in the neighbourhood that I got to watch. But the new year has started and we are heading into the fray with a new blog post, because there is no rest for the wicked it seems. Either that means I am really wicked or someone has the utterly misguided idea that I am. Obviously I am innocence personified in all ways. And those sitting at the back of the peanut gallery, if you please can stop snickering, thank you very much. 😉

The last year, in a nutshell was utterly tasking. The amount of energy it has taken from me and piled up worries, has even taken me by surprise. But I am in a good place now. Still it is very much getting used to all the new sounds, the new sounds of the neighbourhood. I am still having to deal with some of the residue of when I was living in that hellhole of a place. It’s not as bad as it was, but yeah, it is still there. On the plus side, I am now looking forward to the days becoming longer and warmer again. I hope we have a great spring and summer.

But yes, my own place, and while it still needs work, I am not planning to move any time soon. Which, in time, will give me the possibility to do this place up to my own liking and standards and while it means investing money, it does mean that in the long term I can get that money back, providing the housing market doesn’t collapse. All grown up stuff that!

On that note, we shall move on with the rest of the blog. There is only so much introspective navel gazing one can and should do on a late Saturday evening while the words should appear on the screen.
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