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Posts Tagged ‘Thalia’

As some may notice it’s been a while since I last wrote. The twenty-sixth of January to be precise. That is a very long time. There are some reasons for it which I will explain in this blog post. This will however not be a long one.

More then anything I am forcing myself to write. Does that sound weird? It does a little bit. After all I am so apt to say that since this is my blog, so therefore my rules. Yet, it is that I find vehemently disagree with myself. Truth to be told – I disagree often enough with everyone else, why should I be of any difference?

Truth is, I do like to write to an extent. Sure, I struggle with it at times, but you know, I am not really ready yet to throw the towel in. The whole once a week thing may have to stop but time will tell on that. It does get harder over time to find something to write about.

Still, yes, I love writing and I love seeing people like my writing. It’s also been nearly four years since I started writing in earnest on this blog. As many may recall, I did have a blog prior to that but I wrote only sporadically on it. In 2009, Mistress, … yes, in my mind she is still my Mistress. I know, I took her collar off, I know she has not been in world for such a very very long time. Nor has she reacted to emails or IM’s on google talk. But, I have mentioned this so many times before.

Yet, yet I can not pull myself away from what I feel. How I feel about her. Is this fair? Fair to whom? To me, to others? I do not know. I know very much that I am not ready to move on perhaps. On the other hand, I may just as well clinging to the remnants, dwelling in the past as they say. I do not know what.  It does not help that I just realised that it is pretty much exactly four years ago (give or take 4 days) since I started blogging.
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As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun

lexi

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There are somethings you hope for in life, a nice job, a nice quiet place to live where you feel safe from harm and above a good health. And it’s in that latter that things are seemingly going horribly awry. A couple of weeks I had a stinking cold, which seemed to coincide with the height of flu/cold going around. So with everything over and all, I thought that would be the last of it. Turns out it could not be further from the truth and the cold is back with a vengeance, bah.

As you can see I am feeling rather suitably sorry for myself tonight. But being under the weather is at least a little bit of an excuse. I just completely lost my train of thought here, so it took me a good five minutes to figure out what I had a good excuse for. But yes, I have an excuse for feeling a little bit sorry.

I like to remind everyone that this month is the March Bloggers Q&A month, so feel free to leave any questions that you want to ask. If you ask me questions over email or in-world, please be aware to actually note which one you want for the blog. Since people tend to ask me a lot of questions, sometimes it does get a bit confusing what people mean, and I hate to be rude to not answer their questions until a week or so later. So start asking people!

To star the questions of, I actually found several on Strawberry Singh’s blogging challenge page. I was looking for something light and easy to blog about  and I found two. This week will be the first edition, called “Have you ever SecondLifed”, and I will keep the 20 personal questions for another time when despair, ill health or lack of inspections strikes me.

So let’s get started and see if I have ever …. Second Lifed.
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Guess that after all, I am only human (mostly).

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Sometimes, I really should keep my mouth shut. I really should take the following lesson to heart:

“I will not make my life more difficult than necessary.”

As .. well … You would think by now, I would learn, wouldn’t you? I mean, you would, right?

Here I was, at home, with Mistress, just talking about the various bits and bobs and joking. Happily curled up in front of her (as kittens are notoriously known to do) and doing the things I usually do, which might include nipping and being just general a silly, playfull kitten.

Mistress and I cuddling and talking at home.

I can’t remember how exactly we got here, but at some point I started asking about trouble. It was getting late, so Mistress gently chided me, that I might be in a whole lot of trouble where it not for the fact that it was pretty late.

See, at this point, anyone with an ounce of common sense and grounding in the ways of the wise would have taken her word for it and just left it at that. It’s a good thing I still have the cute thing going for me. 😉

After some teasing about how much trouble I exactly would be in and what this would entail, I ended up being muted through my collar and shortly later I was ‘helped’ inside the banesuit once more again.

And that is where I am now, and have been for the past couple of days. Locked away and shielded from the outside world. For how long? who knows. It may be some time, It may be not. Time will tell.

me relaxing on the edge and "sunbathing" under a tree at home

Right now I am just relaxing outside our home. Perhaps soon I will start wandering around various sims or making my ways around. If you see me, feel free to say hi. Just realise that I won’t be able to really respond much, it at all.

So yes, I guess it really meant that lesson has not sunk in that I should not make my life more difficult for myself than I really need. But all in all I also got to remember:

Mistress is not evil, just merely kind.

She really is :)) And frankly, part of me loves to be as much restrained and completely at her mercy and whims as I love seeing and able to talk to my friends.

xx
L-8746 (aka lexi)

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Five weeks passed Saturday. After a week which was both interesting and hard.

Tuesday evening Vanni had her “Hot under the Collar” event. Mistress and I happily could attend. While we were somewhat fashionably late it was fun to “see” other people for a bit. Although I noticed how quick emotions play up when being isolated. As simple as just clicking onto something became a major chore.Still I managed all in all, with a lot of Mistress help.

The rest of the week I spend between our dungeon and home. and it was hard going at times. I was definitely missing my friends and struggling with being so restrained.

But last night, Mistress decided that after five weeks, over a 180, a-hundred hours, locked up and incommunicado, as they say, that for now it was enough. She removed my bondage and all restraints and restrictions.

So what are my records now? Or rather how long have I been locked away from everything ?

Steel Shackle (RA) after 181 hours 12 minutes 30 secs
Steel Shackle (RW) after 180 hours 57 minutes 50 secs
RR Scarf blindfold after 188 hours 26 minutes 40 secs
RR Ballgag after 184 hours 31 minutes 10 secs

So I am for the time being free and able to come and see people and talk to those that have tried to IM me or send me note cards. I look forward to catching up with everyone and just wandering around the grid causing mayhem and chaos.

And yet, still a small part of me, regrets being free. Guess that’s the “insane” part of me, the need for that feeling of total loss of control in many ways. But for now, I am will get back to my normal self and be alive ..

I am sure that at some point I’ll end up being tied up.

xx
lexi

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Well, it’s official. I now have spend 4 weeks locked up in almost complete isolation from the world. The only contact I have had is a day and a half break and could actually talk to people. But as things go, you get used to the silence and not talking. Communicating after being locked away after an extended and intense period of time, is something that takes (strangely enough) some getting used to.

A couple of nights ago (I think this was Wednesday or Thursday), Mistress decided to take me out for a little bit of fresh “air” as it were. We ended up going to the Deitide sim. And there were some people around. And I started talking with them as best as I could. Although…

The nick list in the chat client showing no one in range

I assume you can’t really call it talking, I can just about see who is in chat range thanks to the nick list. But that is about it. And I can’t hear. So all I really can is say hi to people, and then hear Mistress tell them that I can’t hear their return greeting.

For quite a while I was trying to keep up and interact. And, well I don’t know, I guess it all of a sudden hit me how really futile it was. I think for the first time it really hit me about being isolated from the rest of the world. I think that is part of why it hasn’t affected me so much yet. I have not only been out of touch, but also out of sight and away from everyone else.

That perhaps may have helped it make it easier to deal with. I don’t know.m I spend the rest of the night pretty much just listening to Mistress talking to other people and trying to piece together from half conversations what she was really talking about.

So for now I have finished one month of being locked up. Something I never thought I could do. A total of about 150 hours in inworld time. How much longer? I have no idea. Guess time and in particular, Mistress will tell :).

xx
lexi

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