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Posts Tagged ‘Mistress’

So, yes, it’s been very quiet on my blog. It seems the writing had gotten a bit in a rut over the last month plus. Whether this is a good thing or not, I don’t know. I love to say that soon I will return to regular blogging, however I loathe to make claims I would be unwilling to keep.

Likewise, the saying that the thought about writing is never far from my mind, would at best be a half truth. In part it is true. Bit thinking about writing only gets you so far. Doing it is the real test. And it is a test that I perhaps with shocking regularity seem to fail.

On the other hand, writing in many ways has become a chore. Something that had to be done, rather something that I wanted to do. Whether that is because I was ordered, because I had things to share, is perhaps a lesser concern then the fact that I enjoyed doing it.

Maybe not the struggle, but certainly the finished product. The efforts of my labour. However that has become less and less over the last year and a half. The new job (if you can talk about new, still) is challenging, and the longer commute certainly drain my energy.

To spend several hours agonising about what to write and to write had come to symbolise an expenditure of energy that at times is hard to justify to myself. Sometimes the weekend is just not long enough to waste that energy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my current job, and I’m learning more and new things each day.

But something just had to give. And this, my blog had been one of the few. So, where does that leave me? Is this goodbye, shall this place and I fade slowly into that dark night? Why, yes, I have a flair for the dramatic.

To answer that question….
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A couple of years ago, I was talking to a dominant in second life, and we seemed to get on. He certainly was nice enough. However after a while, and a few meetings and playing, I stopped seeing him. Why?

The entire notion of what happened came down to one thing really (a few others as well but those were not of such a severity that they couldn’t be overcome): The reason was this; he was definitely too nice.

I know this may sound strange, but it is the reason. When I expressed this thought to friends, some understood, some did not. Trying to explain myself did not entirely work, so perhaps in the peace and quiet while writing I have better success in achieving this.

The first question really is: Do I not like nice people? The answer is: of course I do. I love nice and warm people. I love being cuddled, having my hair played with, and other displays of affection.  Just like any other person, like any human being, I love being treated well, with respect. Being loved is a beautiful privilege.

As I mentioned before, I adore display of affection. Being a submissive my definition of what constitutes this, may perhaps be a bit different from what other (okay, vanilla) people will see as affection. Kneeling in front of someone, being allowed to kiss their feet, a firm grip in my neck, or a hand in the small of my back guiding me, are only but a few of the ways that make me feel cherished and loved.

So, given all of the above, why would I not appreciate someone who is nice to me. This is because I left out an important distinction. I do not like people being nice to me within the context of a BDSM scene.
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One hour, one blog. How hard can this be. Time to switch on some classical music. and pound the keyboard. I am not sure what to write about tonight. I am still fighting some reluctance about writing. So in this case, I have determined I will write. Whatever my mind is going to come up with and whatever the direction this is going to take in.

For me at the moment, the act of writing itself and getting words on paper is far more important then making sense. Well not entirely, but I hope that you get what I am referring to. To write, to put the effort in, to do it, or in short – here’s your screen, your parchment; now shut up and write.

And yes, as was said last week in reaction to my blog: Write when you want, when you feel you have something to say. I honestly wish that I could. If that would be the case, then i would probably never write. There are always other things that I can find to be doing.

And, writing is something that takes practice and nurturing. It is no surprise that my writing much improved over the time that I was with Mistress. At the same time there is a decline after this much time being left unchecked.  Heck I probably have been writing alone without her reading them since mid 2013 give or take. So by and large, that is not bad going.

It also means, that a lot of my writing, as much as it actually pains me to say, are my own. Yes she, my Mistress, may have given the incentive, even the encouragement to get me to write.  But the lion share of the work, the blood and tears that I have shed in my battle with the words are mine and mine alone. I try to take some pride in that, some solace even perhaps?
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As some may notice it’s been a while since I last wrote. The twenty-sixth of January to be precise. That is a very long time. There are some reasons for it which I will explain in this blog post. This will however not be a long one.

More then anything I am forcing myself to write. Does that sound weird? It does a little bit. After all I am so apt to say that since this is my blog, so therefore my rules. Yet, it is that I find vehemently disagree with myself. Truth to be told – I disagree often enough with everyone else, why should I be of any difference?

Truth is, I do like to write to an extent. Sure, I struggle with it at times, but you know, I am not really ready yet to throw the towel in. The whole once a week thing may have to stop but time will tell on that. It does get harder over time to find something to write about.

Still, yes, I love writing and I love seeing people like my writing. It’s also been nearly four years since I started writing in earnest on this blog. As many may recall, I did have a blog prior to that but I wrote only sporadically on it. In 2009, Mistress, … yes, in my mind she is still my Mistress. I know, I took her collar off, I know she has not been in world for such a very very long time. Nor has she reacted to emails or IM’s on google talk. But, I have mentioned this so many times before.

Yet, yet I can not pull myself away from what I feel. How I feel about her. Is this fair? Fair to whom? To me, to others? I do not know. I know very much that I am not ready to move on perhaps. On the other hand, I may just as well clinging to the remnants, dwelling in the past as they say. I do not know what.  It does not help that I just realised that it is pretty much exactly four years ago (give or take 4 days) since I started blogging.
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It’s a little bit past thanksgiving now in the US, even though it is not celebrated over here. Still it is hard to escape the fact especially with the fact that even without thanksgiving we do get the whole ‘Black Friday’ thing. Yes, I can understand it is nice to have a bargain but, in all seriousness, this consumerism on a grand and greedy scale really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there and nothing I really wanted to blog about. What did I want to write about? Actually about being thankful among others. Wait, what, is she actually going to sit down and write a proper blog this evening? Is the world coming to an end? is this a season of goodwill? Who knows!

Anyway, let’s put some words on the paper before I have to attempt to do this sleep thing once again. Not that I have been having a lot of luck with that these past few days. Remember I mentioned (at least I think that I did) that I was poorly? So yes, after having a few days off work last week, my cold has not really abated, a lot of coughing though which keeps me awake during the night. Most annoying when you need sleep to get through the day.

But such is life and I don’t think that writing about it, is going to make me feel a whole lot better soon physically although it may do momentarily in the mental sense of the word. All I can do is keep taking meds, steam and make sure I get as much sleep possible.

Other that that as I said, one of the things I wanted to write about this evening is the thing that I am thankful for:
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The weekend by, partially because a very busy and hectic real life and a reasonably occupied weekend actually has not seen me get much chance to do any writing. Plus there was something that I wanted or needed to watch. Well strongly wanted at least.

The problem is that this left me with very little time to actually do any writing whatsoever this weekend. This is pretty shamelessly bad of me. I thought I was off to a good start last week but it seems I have had a momentarily relapse. But I am sitting down to write now and while I may not have enough time left in the day to do my writing. I still have my stuff to get ready for tomorrow.

Still any writing I will get done today, will safe me having to do tomorrow. Which at the rate I am going this will be the larger chunk of writing this. But, I think as the saying goes, such is life. I still am committed to blogging. The schedule may be a bit off at times but I am planning to keep writing as much as I possibly can. The only difference I may make this year is over Christmas.

First a little bit of an update on my personal life as much as it is shareable. I have noticed a slow shift in myself moving away or perhaps moving a little bit onward. Thoughts that begin to bubble to the service. There have been a few times this week where on purpose I have not worn my collar. For the first time in over 6 years.  Time will, hopefully make it easier. I still do go back to wearing it. There is a certain familiarity and comfort in feeling it around my neck. I know that some of you think I am probably less then sane, but this is my way of dealing with it.

Baby steps. That is it…

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Well, the date has come and gone and passed with much less emotional upheaval then I thought it would. Perhaps not surprising as I have been gearing up for this for rather a long time. Especially during this month I have been more then religiously been checking information. But no. There has been no change. On the one hand, this does make me sad. It does mean that I have little to no closure nor knowledge about what happened.

On the other hand … it also gives me a certain sense of comfort. I know that sounds strange but for someone like me, change is upheaval. Something that with her best intentions, Mistress never managed to train out of me. It means that a situation had unchanged.

I can find solace in that, yet not acceptance. Well perhaps acceptance that she will not come back. I suppose that a part of me knows that, even though I am hard pressed to admit it, even to myself. I do not know. Perhaps a better statement is that I, or at least a part of me, does not want to know.

Yet at the same time, there are little tell tale signs. I have changed some profiles, and there have been times when I have been out and about without my collar. And yes, I do feel a sense of shame and embarrassment admitting that. Even more so publicly. See, while I have been punished plenty of times in my relationship, the first time as they say is always the worst.

The first time I got punished was for taking off my collar without permission. I know I have advocated that punishment should fit the crime and for me, and for my Mistress I believe it did. Some may say the cropping I did get was far more severe then it was warranted, but for me it established a few things.

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