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Posts Tagged ‘Mistress’

So, yes, it’s been very quiet on my blog. It seems the writing had gotten a bit in a rut over the last month plus. Whether this is a good thing or not, I don’t know. I love to say that soon I will return to regular blogging, however I loathe to make claims I would be unwilling to keep.

Likewise, the saying that the thought about writing is never far from my mind, would at best be a half truth. In part it is true. Bit thinking about writing only gets you so far. Doing it is the real test. And it is a test that I perhaps with shocking regularity seem to fail.

On the other hand, writing in many ways has become a chore. Something that had to be done, rather something that I wanted to do. Whether that is because I was ordered, because I had things to share, is perhaps a lesser concern then the fact that I enjoyed doing it.

Maybe not the struggle, but certainly the finished product. The efforts of my labour. However that has become less and less over the last year and a half. The new job (if you can talk about new, still) is challenging, and the longer commute certainly drain my energy.

To spend several hours agonising about what to write and to write had come to symbolise an expenditure of energy that at times is hard to justify to myself. Sometimes the weekend is just not long enough to waste that energy. Don’t get me wrong, I love my current job, and I’m learning more and new things each day.

But something just had to give. And this, my blog had been one of the few. So, where does that leave me? Is this goodbye, shall this place and I fade slowly into that dark night? Why, yes, I have a flair for the dramatic.

To answer that question….
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A couple of years ago, I was talking to a dominant in second life, and we seemed to get on. He certainly was nice enough. However after a while, and a few meetings and playing, I stopped seeing him. Why?

The entire notion of what happened came down to one thing really (a few others as well but those were not of such a severity that they couldn’t be overcome): The reason was this; he was definitely too nice.

I know this may sound strange, but it is the reason. When I expressed this thought to friends, some understood, some did not. Trying to explain myself did not entirely work, so perhaps in the peace and quiet while writing I have better success in achieving this.

The first question really is: Do I not like nice people? The answer is: of course I do. I love nice and warm people. I love being cuddled, having my hair played with, and other displays of affection.  Just like any other person, like any human being, I love being treated well, with respect. Being loved is a beautiful privilege.

As I mentioned before, I adore display of affection. Being a submissive my definition of what constitutes this, may perhaps be a bit different from what other (okay, vanilla) people will see as affection. Kneeling in front of someone, being allowed to kiss their feet, a firm grip in my neck, or a hand in the small of my back guiding me, are only but a few of the ways that make me feel cherished and loved.

So, given all of the above, why would I not appreciate someone who is nice to me. This is because I left out an important distinction. I do not like people being nice to me within the context of a BDSM scene.
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One hour, one blog. How hard can this be. Time to switch on some classical music. and pound the keyboard. I am not sure what to write about tonight. I am still fighting some reluctance about writing. So in this case, I have determined I will write. Whatever my mind is going to come up with and whatever the direction this is going to take in.

For me at the moment, the act of writing itself and getting words on paper is far more important then making sense. Well not entirely, but I hope that you get what I am referring to. To write, to put the effort in, to do it, or in short – here’s your screen, your parchment; now shut up and write.

And yes, as was said last week in reaction to my blog: Write when you want, when you feel you have something to say. I honestly wish that I could. If that would be the case, then i would probably never write. There are always other things that I can find to be doing.

And, writing is something that takes practice and nurturing. It is no surprise that my writing much improved over the time that I was with Mistress. At the same time there is a decline after this much time being left unchecked.  Heck I probably have been writing alone without her reading them since mid 2013 give or take. So by and large, that is not bad going.

It also means, that a lot of my writing, as much as it actually pains me to say, are my own. Yes she, my Mistress, may have given the incentive, even the encouragement to get me to write.  But the lion share of the work, the blood and tears that I have shed in my battle with the words are mine and mine alone. I try to take some pride in that, some solace even perhaps?
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As some may notice it’s been a while since I last wrote. The twenty-sixth of January to be precise. That is a very long time. There are some reasons for it which I will explain in this blog post. This will however not be a long one.

More then anything I am forcing myself to write. Does that sound weird? It does a little bit. After all I am so apt to say that since this is my blog, so therefore my rules. Yet, it is that I find vehemently disagree with myself. Truth to be told – I disagree often enough with everyone else, why should I be of any difference?

Truth is, I do like to write to an extent. Sure, I struggle with it at times, but you know, I am not really ready yet to throw the towel in. The whole once a week thing may have to stop but time will tell on that. It does get harder over time to find something to write about.

Still, yes, I love writing and I love seeing people like my writing. It’s also been nearly four years since I started writing in earnest on this blog. As many may recall, I did have a blog prior to that but I wrote only sporadically on it. In 2009, Mistress, … yes, in my mind she is still my Mistress. I know, I took her collar off, I know she has not been in world for such a very very long time. Nor has she reacted to emails or IM’s on google talk. But, I have mentioned this so many times before.

Yet, yet I can not pull myself away from what I feel. How I feel about her. Is this fair? Fair to whom? To me, to others? I do not know. I know very much that I am not ready to move on perhaps. On the other hand, I may just as well clinging to the remnants, dwelling in the past as they say. I do not know what.  It does not help that I just realised that it is pretty much exactly four years ago (give or take 4 days) since I started blogging.
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It’s a little bit past thanksgiving now in the US, even though it is not celebrated over here. Still it is hard to escape the fact especially with the fact that even without thanksgiving we do get the whole ‘Black Friday’ thing. Yes, I can understand it is nice to have a bargain but, in all seriousness, this consumerism on a grand and greedy scale really leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there and nothing I really wanted to blog about. What did I want to write about? Actually about being thankful among others. Wait, what, is she actually going to sit down and write a proper blog this evening? Is the world coming to an end? is this a season of goodwill? Who knows!

Anyway, let’s put some words on the paper before I have to attempt to do this sleep thing once again. Not that I have been having a lot of luck with that these past few days. Remember I mentioned (at least I think that I did) that I was poorly? So yes, after having a few days off work last week, my cold has not really abated, a lot of coughing though which keeps me awake during the night. Most annoying when you need sleep to get through the day.

But such is life and I don’t think that writing about it, is going to make me feel a whole lot better soon physically although it may do momentarily in the mental sense of the word. All I can do is keep taking meds, steam and make sure I get as much sleep possible.

Other that that as I said, one of the things I wanted to write about this evening is the thing that I am thankful for:
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The weekend by, partially because a very busy and hectic real life and a reasonably occupied weekend actually has not seen me get much chance to do any writing. Plus there was something that I wanted or needed to watch. Well strongly wanted at least.

The problem is that this left me with very little time to actually do any writing whatsoever this weekend. This is pretty shamelessly bad of me. I thought I was off to a good start last week but it seems I have had a momentarily relapse. But I am sitting down to write now and while I may not have enough time left in the day to do my writing. I still have my stuff to get ready for tomorrow.

Still any writing I will get done today, will safe me having to do tomorrow. Which at the rate I am going this will be the larger chunk of writing this. But, I think as the saying goes, such is life. I still am committed to blogging. The schedule may be a bit off at times but I am planning to keep writing as much as I possibly can. The only difference I may make this year is over Christmas.

First a little bit of an update on my personal life as much as it is shareable. I have noticed a slow shift in myself moving away or perhaps moving a little bit onward. Thoughts that begin to bubble to the service. There have been a few times this week where on purpose I have not worn my collar. For the first time in over 6 years.  Time will, hopefully make it easier. I still do go back to wearing it. There is a certain familiarity and comfort in feeling it around my neck. I know that some of you think I am probably less then sane, but this is my way of dealing with it.

Baby steps. That is it…

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Well, the date has come and gone and passed with much less emotional upheaval then I thought it would. Perhaps not surprising as I have been gearing up for this for rather a long time. Especially during this month I have been more then religiously been checking information. But no. There has been no change. On the one hand, this does make me sad. It does mean that I have little to no closure nor knowledge about what happened.

On the other hand … it also gives me a certain sense of comfort. I know that sounds strange but for someone like me, change is upheaval. Something that with her best intentions, Mistress never managed to train out of me. It means that a situation had unchanged.

I can find solace in that, yet not acceptance. Well perhaps acceptance that she will not come back. I suppose that a part of me knows that, even though I am hard pressed to admit it, even to myself. I do not know. Perhaps a better statement is that I, or at least a part of me, does not want to know.

Yet at the same time, there are little tell tale signs. I have changed some profiles, and there have been times when I have been out and about without my collar. And yes, I do feel a sense of shame and embarrassment admitting that. Even more so publicly. See, while I have been punished plenty of times in my relationship, the first time as they say is always the worst.

The first time I got punished was for taking off my collar without permission. I know I have advocated that punishment should fit the crime and for me, and for my Mistress I believe it did. Some may say the cropping I did get was far more severe then it was warranted, but for me it established a few things.

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Once again, it is Monday and I am bend over my keyboard, insistent that I will crack out a blog post. I am long giving up the hope that I will write a long sixteen hundred word post ever week from now.

Yet I can not let myself get to the point where I would not write. I am still coming to terms with that part. Is that not strange? Do I write because I love writing (and hate it and hate to love as well as love to hate; I think that’s called: “It’s complicated”).

So yes, I will write, even if you all have to sit through my rambling thought and me trying to make sense and figure out a direction of my life. Such is the way I fear. I could pretend I am a huge a know-it-all (no coughing from the peanut gallery, please!). I am not sure how far I will get tonight, but I will give it a good try.

There have a few things that have been playing on my mind. Such as what I want in a dominant. There is a loaded question if any. I am not even sure I am ready to move on, there are still so many things that tie me to my Mistress.

But at the same time I do miss that pull of control, that driving force in my life, something that defines the boundaries in which I operate in. I have spoken about this before. How the restriction of freedom could in some circumstances, especially for submissives create more personal freedom.

So time will tell. It does not help that for the first time in a long time in this, the hours that are available to me for play, serving and socialising are even more limited then they have ever been. This also limits my time very much to people by and large in Europe. At best, I have an hour in the morning and perhaps an hour or two at most at night. Sadly this leaves, as you can see, very little time for building a relationship and training.

No idea, what the future will bring. I will keep coming back to this, there are too many people I know here, too many whom I really consider close and good friends. I may not meet them ‘in the flesh’ or ‘face to face’ as the saying goes. That however is not how I entirely define friendship. It’s being there for one another, laugh, cry and share all the times that you have, both the good and the bad. I hurt when they are hurting and I am overjoyed if things are going well in their life and they are happy.

So yes, life is not all that bad. Great friends, good health, a job – what else is there to complain. Well, … yeah you know. I am going to leave this here. I was planning to write more. About what I look for in a dominant. What I find important qualities, but I think I went over that pretty much last week.

One of the things I have seemed to be talking a lot about this last week with various folks is the concept of speech training, so perhaps that I will write something more about that next week.

A lot shorter blog then I had intended or planned this week, but at least I can have some satisfaction that I have blogged. And now, with England out of the world cup of rugby, I can perhaps take a little bit more time to relax on the weekend and devote a bit more to better planning and writing and take the proper time to get a decent blog post up.

However for now, before my head hits the keyboard and this never gets posted I am going to wrap this up. Thank you all and have a wonderful week. As for the title .. well .. who does not like a quickie *grins*

 

With love, take care please and be safe
lexi

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As I am sure people have realised by now, I have not actually blogged.It feels really like the first time in years that I have not kept my word of blogging once a week. I feel like I massively failed myself, my dominant, my Mistress and you my reader. For the last group I do apologise.

The last week has been hard on me, I am missing Mistress more then I still dared hope after a year not having knelt at her feet. I am both missing her control and her love.

The idea that in a year time I promised myself to make a decision is looming over me more then I care to admit really. It seems still like an awful big step to take, to remove my collar and step out in the lime light. I know there are plenty of people that want me.

Frankly, there are very few that i would consider a worth replacement.I am sorry if this sounds harsh but in ways I am really spoiled by having served so long and undergone my training under my Mistress. It’s strange perhaps, only now, in the twilight of our relationship, am I seeing how much an influence her training, her guidance is on me. Weird how that one works.

There is a whole mix of things that makes me want to submit to someone. Quiet confidence, knowledge, intelligence, power or strength perhaps, love, and fear. Fear? Yes, I need to have a certain fear for my dominant. Not as in the I am doing this because I am scared of you and I fear that you will hurt me.

More a fear that I would disappoint her, but also a fear because I know that they will do what they promise and they will not budge from what they need to be done. I think more then once I have compared it to being an iron fist within a velvet glove. Soft and gentle when needed, strong, and unyielding when needed.

I have often thought about the whole fear thing and as then as I do now, I still feel by and large that I am not doing my best to explain how I feel, how that fear of my dominant fits into my relation, into my live. What instigates that fear? What does a dominant radiate that makes me my body move, before my brain catches up?

Wish I knew. Part of my writing is exploring myself and exploring the questions that I have, understanding myself through my own words, through my own patterns (yeah that’ll work). There are a few dominants that instil that fear in me. Not by force, not by threat, not by putting one down by speaking sharply or being mean. But by being who they are and how they are, how they hold and conduct themselves.

Sadly some of these dominants have left this world, sadly my Mistress included. I hope they are all right. I hope they are happy and safe. Not just my Mistress, but many others as well. I am thinking of Thalia, whom I have not seen in quite a while. Miss Tseril, who mean as she was (in the good way) – moved on in real life and I hope that she has found the happiness she deserves. She taught me a lot about myself, about my love for humiliation, the types of humiliation. She moved me to tears and tore me apart only to hold me tenderly and put me right with loving words and praise. Domina Isabelle, whom I hopes we would grow closer. She showed me how much I still desire to be a service submissive, despite the harsh exchange we started out with, we grew to respect each other and more.

I miss probably some of the others I have submitted to and played with. Not everyone has touched me deeply, some do. Some are still around and that gives me happiness. For those that hold my heart, I hope they know whom I am referring to. What they mean to me. I may not always speak to them, because I believe people have the right to their own life and I should not always want to interfere. As despite my best beliefs I am not the chosen one, I am just a very adorable kitten (and a hopeless handful at some points in time).

But yes, I feel very much torn between the one and the other part of my feeling, between sensibility (yeah screw that), and feelings. Between love and devotion and realism. Time will tell. Perhaps I should stop worrying about what I need to do and focus what feels good.

Easier said then done I suppose in the best of circumstances but maybe I should just try that and see where the road and my future leads me. And perhaps retain some hope, how much idle. Because frankly, hope at the moment is all that I have and that sustains me.

Although all? No, that is not true. I have wonderful and dear friends on which I can lean (but am hesitant to do all to often). I know they are there as they remind me. Sometimes keeping a respectful distance waiting for me to approach. For those that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Knowing you are there, being that safety net, means more then the world and more then I can put into words for me.

Last but not least, my dear dear, loyal (I hope) readers. Thank you for sticking me through thick and thin. I love to see you have enjoyed and liked my post, no matter the subject. Whether it is something fun or it is something where I put my heart out. Please do not ever thing I just gloss over you all. This blog is there because of you just as well. You make it worth for me to write and you have my deepest and profoundest thanks.

And with that, I need to sadly get my butt in bed and get some sleep. Otherwise I will be one grumpy kitten with a killer mood. Not a good thing. Thank you for listening to me pouring my heart out. Please have a good and wonderful week

With all my love,
Please stay safe, be careful and have fun

lexi

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Six years ago.

First of all I want to get the warning out of the way. This is not going to be a long blog.

Today is the day. It is the date of our anniversary, my collaring date. It is in many ways a painful reminder of what the last year has brought me. A year of being alone, a year of being, much without control. Strange as this may sounds (or perhaps not at all), I miss being of service to her. I miss being of use, knowing that my presence and my actions are making a difference to someone.

Of these six years, I have given her at least five, my all. My life, my devotion, my service, my heart, mind, body and soul. The strange thing is, or perhaps not the strange thing at all. My training it’s still there. I can still feel her influence over who I have become since I started talking with her.

I suppose all in all; five-six years is a long time. Part of that of course is repeating and doing things that have been part of my training, because they are so ingrained. Yes I know that is essentially what training is.

It does make it hard to let go. I have given myself a year. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough, I don’t know. Time will tell. I will know best, if and when I am ready to move on. Sometimes it feels I am close and sometimes it feels like forever.

But yes, six years ago, she put the collar in my hands and I put it around my neck and swore to serve her with everything that I had, that I was and that I would be.

My Mistress, wherever you are,
know you have as always a place in my heart.
I hope you are safe
from hurt and harm
and are happy.

Happy Anniversary, my Love.
I love you, now, then, always
think of me.

yours
alexandra

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