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Posts Tagged ‘control’

Right, blog time. I have less then an hour before I need to get myself in bed. So this is not going to be a huge long and interesting blog to read. Just a few musings that I have had over the few days and just a general stream of conciousness.

Been a a really quiet week, being off on holiday and got most of my projects done, bar a view. But that is okay, those were going to be longer term any way and the rest is in a good place to proceed with. Some of the things I hope that would come to pass, have not, or rather are being delayed. Time will tell whether or not it will be. I know, entirely cryptic. Perhaps in time I can divulge what has taken place.

I had hoped to be allowed to publish a story, albeit a personal one. See, I was asked to write out a fantasy, well the thoughts I had on an orgasm, after an extended period of orgasm denial. However since it has not received permission from the person who requested I wrote it down – I can not in good consciousness post it.

So hopefully that may be posted soon.  But as always, if people are involved in some way, theirs is the say whether or not it does get published. So there may be a case of that this just won’t get published. Time will tell and if it happens you all will see it appear here in due time.
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It does not make easy writing when you know you are in the dog house. It puts a damper on everything and colours your perception, your mood, your motivation and drive.  But, having to choose between writing and be further in trouble for delaying posting later then a Sunday, I much rather pound out the words, write whatever is on my heart, rather then get myself into even more deeper trouble. One bucket, load, amount, of ire is really more then I can handle at the moment.

A perhaps small word of warning. Normally when I write, I do write by and large in general terms, about topics, about things that I know of, that interest me, or things that I am exploring. Tonight in that sense is going to be a little bit different. Tonight this blog post is going to be deeply and utterly personal. It is something that weights heavily on my mind and has been for the past few days.

As many may have noticed, I written recently about speaking restrictions. Obviously as noted, a topic that is close to my heart and I have written blogs in the past where I have written in the third person, however abandoned that for the time being by writing in the first person. I think that may continue for now, based on discussion that I have had.

However, for those that know me in the virtual world of Second Life, know that for the last few weeks I have switched to a very high protocol form of speaking, a rather more restricted form of the common third person speak as is often seen. There are reasons for that, I am sure all of you can guess these.

The problem with that, that this is much harder for me, rather then just speaking in the the third person. I am endeavouring and doing my best not to screw up but, it seems every so often, or even so very often, I make a total mess of it and screw up beyond my palest dreams. It sucks, it really does. I know part of why it happens, what causes it. I am not sure how I can stop it, bar fighting my own mind and conditioning it and training it to work with me, rather then against me.

When I write, write like I do now, I don’t even look at my screen. I can even type all of this with my eyes closed. In that way, it is almost like my mind is passing a stream of consciousness straight  from my fingers, straight through my keyboard. In a way by passing any realistic mental filters. This of course translates into Second Life where my mind is my mouth in so many ways.

I am not saying this is at all right, but I am just letting my mind doing the thinking and talking. As I have said before; this blog is as much exploration, research and explanation of things. Writing for me is, as often a tool to teach and explain, a tool to help understand myself better.

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It’s been a rather busy week and quite a busy weekend of sorts, although a good weekend of sorts. One that certainly ended on a spectacular high note. Yes it sounds cryptic. I know . Some who will know me better in Second Life will know what I am on about. As I mentioned last week, I promised to write about two topics. Speech restrictions, which I did last week. To my surprise, I had a lot more to write about it (okay, it really should not have been a surprise), then I initially thought, so much instead that I never even got around to writing about mantra’s. Mostly because by the time I largely got done with writing about speech restrictions, I was nearly hitting sixteen hundred words, which by any stretch of the imaginations is a good amount for a weekly blog.

Thus I decided to forego the writing about mantras and save that for this week instead. Though due to circumstances (more about that later) and probably slightly bad planning on my part, I did not get around to actually writing this.

So perhaps a little bit of a day later, and I am pounding out the words. One of the advantages of a train journey is that you can sit down and think exactly what you want to write. I decided early on that I was going to expand on the subject and not just write about mantra’s, although they form an important part of this blog. I was also going to write about conditioning.

Why? Because, I think that they both are quite close related. Of course mantra’s are in a way part of conditioning someone or a set of behaviours. So I will start by delving a little bit into what conditioning is and can do, before switching to the specifics of mantra’s.

So onwards and upwards (downwards, spiralling?)
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It’s been a really interesting and chaotic week at the same time. I haven’t really thought much about blogging. Why? Mostly because real life, in part because of Second Life. It has been a rather interesting, if not emotional and hard week. Lots of new things to learn, lots of new ways to process and dealing with the eventual part of screwing up.

Well perhaps I should not call it screwing up. I make mistake. I am after all human, and learning new patterns, new ways of doing things, means that occasionally you do stumble, some like me, perhaps more then others. But I am slowly getting there and I think I really just need to focus on what I am doing rather then letting my brain run away with emotions and feelings. Easier said then done, but at least learning and recognising where my head is at times is a valuable lessons.

Anyway, while in the future I may write more about that this is not what I want to talk about tonight. Mostly there are a few topics I want to touch on. Those that have real relevance to me at the moment. Sounds mysterious doesn’t it? Maybe it does a little bit, but perhaps all will be revealed in time. While each of the topics involved may be fleshed out in a later blog, more in depth, this will be a start to explore my thoughts about this:

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Well, all good plans and all that are always going amiss. I was planning to actually write a story this weekend. Well for that I first needed permission. See I believe that if you are writing about persons, or at least if you write a story where a person is involved in or based upon, whether this is a true thing, or a fantasy, you need to ask them permission. It is the right thing to do. The closer you are, the more this is an ethical thing to do in writing.

Sure, sure, you can just go the general route, make up some names, change a few things and include the almighty “all persons fiction disclaimer” disclaimer, then again, while it may be safe, I think in this case it would largely be a cop-out. Especially as it is based on someone whom I interact with quite a bit these days.

So where is that story then? Well, as I said, good plans and all that: I started writing and half way through the writing I felt that I needed to set up a structure. What I had in my mind to paper so to speak, how the events were going to unfold more or less (yes, call it a god complex, which writer does not have it).  So after setting that out and dividing the various scenes, chapters and acts, or however you want to call them, I started to get to work on writing things and let my characters tell their story.

Turns out they had a lot more to tell then I thought. Who would have think that my characters are as talkative as me. So after writing a good sixteen hundred words, I finished writing the first act, I looked at the time. See, I had given myself until eight o’clock this evening to get the story finished. Clearly with the length and the events that need to take place, that is never going to happen. Sadly this is the truth of the matter, that I need to recognise my limitation in this.

 

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It has been more then anything else quite a busy week. All I can say is that thank god it was only four days. It was busy enough that the fourth day i must have gotten through purely on character, that and well having something to look forward to on Friday. But perhaps more about that later. With the weekend also quite busy, i have sadly neglected by far the need to actually sit down and write a blog.

I has certainly not help that this week I have very much been struggling to find a topic that I can write enough about. So this week it is going to be a mismatch of topics that I want to talk about. Some of these topics I have wanted to write about, some of these were given to me, by people. For that as always I am eternally grateful, well at least until next week!

Writing every week can be quite a struggle. Sometimes real life interferes and if you do as I, and don’t write too much about the reality of it all, but more a lot about BDSM,there are only so many different topics you can touch. Yes I am sure you all can bring arguments to the fore that yes, there are different topics to write about. And yes, you are right – I probably have written less then ten percent of all my blogs about what encompasses all that is BDSM.

The thing is however…,
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This blog, has been a while in the making, mostly because of a single sentence that was uttered to this girl during play. As such things go, it did stick in her head, and from that single seed this blog grew. If that was where the seed was planted, then why has this taken so long to come to fruition?

As such things go, they sit around, trying to find the right angle, finding the right words and then a second bit comes and slowly the ideas, the structure starts to take place. As such, sometimes it can take a long time for things to get to that point, sometimes they come instantly.

Of course,  it is always easier to write to direct questions like the last few blogs but sometimes one has to sit down and write properly. As this girl has often mentioned. Writing is often as much sharing what she knows as as well figuring out what she is writing about.

One note is there will be a little bit of a change on this blog. From now on she will actually have a little bit P.S.at the end of the blog; this is where she will be sharing some of her thoughts she had this week, which she has been requested to do. So that will have its own separate header at the end of the blog.

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Well it has been a rather few busy and funny old weeks, as you may have noticed she hasn’t really written a lot, mostly because last weekend she was not feeling very well, something not entirely unlike a migraine which left this girl feeling very much far worse off.

Other than that she has been preparing for th arrival of her parents this weekend, cleaning the house and all that jazz that comes with visits. But that is not entirely the thing that has got me delaying, although feeling tired due to it all certainly will not have helped.

Still she’s having fun in the world of second life, having learned a lot in the past weeks, not just about herself, but about bdsm by and large as well. What can this girl learn about bdsm you’d say? More then you would think. She definitely is not a know it all. There are always things that we can learn and can improve on. Taken that it has taken this girl twenty months she seems finally moving on a little bit. There is much to go and much that sounds like secrecy in this blog. Maybe in due time all will be clear and this girl can be more open about the changes that are happening. For now she is taking baby steps into a new world. As she once described to a friend: “it kind of is like holding a hot cup of coffee, filled to the brink and you have to sneeze”

Anyway, this week is that last part in the hypnosis series, there were originally thirty questions, but she may drop some from this as well, there are some questions she already answered in a previous blog of hers on this topic. With that having said: Time to get cracking!

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Well, here’s the second part of this girls thirty questions on hypnosis as promised (part I, can be read here). And definitely on time as opposed to several days late. Got some mixed reactions on the last blog that she wrote, some good, some less so. But one can’t assume that just every blog well please everyone or at least content wise will appeal top everyone. This girl is of course aware that not everyone will share her entire range of fetishes and fascinations within BDSM. Different strokes and different folks.

To think of that, this girl got set a task this morning (Thursday, as we are speaking). She was to engage in foot worship, cleaning a dominants shoe with her tongue. She was not allowed to talk (after all, who’d want a slave talking with their mouth full), but had to pay strict attention to the shoe, as she will be quizzed on it.whether or not she’ll pass it remains to be seen

It’s a strange place to find myself in, to be subjected to such a thing. This girl wouldn’t say that foot worship is especially a fetish of her, but in the sense of it being a service to provide, she happily does it. Of course the control element and the humiliation of it, work well for this girl.

Still this girl is sure, the activity is having its intended effect as she keeps thinking back to it, remembering the details and with that the feelings that ran through her, work may be interesting today, hehe. But as this girl said, today will be on the next ten questions on hypnosis. So without much further ado, let’s get started:
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This week blog will be part one of a three parter, a total of thirty questions about and on the subject of hypnosis. Why hypnosis, of all subjects. Because it is one of this girls interests. Whether or not she has ever tranced or that her version of what she believes or wants out of hypnosis neither here nor there.

What matters is, is that this is a subject that this girl finds interesting and that she would like to write about and share with you. And because she has never done a thirty questionnaire on the topic of hypnosis, so to get one done this year and help it to her explain and explore this topic and interest of her.

Her love, well at least her interest in hypnosis is something that has been with her for a long time. Perhaps probably the first type of fetish she was really aware of (well short of enjoying being captured and being tied up.

As this girl said, 30 questions more then likely separate over three blog posts. Originally this was called 30 days of hypnosis kink but to be writing for the next two and half years about hypnosis is a bit sleep inducing shall we say? So with that, this girl will try and condense the blog a bit in three separate weeks of writing and hopefully that gives her enough time and space to explore this topic and give all the answers as best as she can. So without much further ado, let’s kick off this blog and start with the first question.

If you want to answer the questions yourself, please feel free to leave the answers to them in this girls comments, or if you want to write your own blog post about it, by all means go ahead. Just please post this girl a link to your blog then in her comments so that she can read yours! Please? For the meantime, have fun reading!

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