There are so many things I would like to write about, that my mind is almost positively overflowing with ideas or at least with things I want to write about. There is an answer that I want to pen down at some time in response to Miss Anne’s blog who wrote a blog with five question a prospective dominant could ask of a submissive. I have the blog marked in my RSS reader, so I will definately come around to that at some point.
Then there is still the promised blogs on the consequences of saying yes or no too eagerly and too ready, a follow up blog on the rights of submissives. Which is going to be an interesting one to write but it also requires me to have a bit more creative energy to contemplate and our my heart into it.
And last but not least there is the blog I want to write to Second Life restraints. It will serve as a good introduction for those new into this world and hopefully at some time a good way to hold a discussion on this subject. And while that is an relative easy in writing, I still need to have the time to sit down and do it because it will be no doubt a lengthy one. Possibly rivalling my longest blog (which features at three thousand eight-hundred words).
Tonight however, I think I am not going to write about these. I know! I know! I keep promising them and I keep putting them off. I am really sorry but life is just sometimes like that and I promise you that I will get around to them, one day, sooner or later (okay, granted, possibly later). But …
What I do want to write about tonight is something that is a little bit closer to my heart. It’s about how you behave with others and how you behave within the community and when you are out and about with others around you. So part on behaviour and social expectations and part on scene etiquette. Yes, I do know how to pick them.
So, the biggest thing is what caused this – the fact that I was in Second Life and someone decided to have a poke at my restraints (ropes in case you are curiously inclined). Since I don’t really like people trying to untie me, part in because, well it is bondage. The other reason is very simple, someone has put me into this bondage and I don’t want to escape or helped out by someone who just decides to wade in without asking me if that is okay.
And yes, I know it was in Second Life and yes I know this means I could have TP’d out or walked away or closed the program and let that person be there. On the other hand, I think it is also wrong to an extend to do that. Yes it is always an option and if you are generally feeling that miserable or afraid of the situation that you feel there is no other choice then yes, by all means I am not against people making sure that they are feeling safe in the first place.
On the other hand I am not going to let a dominant get away with what is in essential boarish and bullying behaviour because they are confronted with something that they really really don’t like. As said in my post a few weeks back. Submissives much as anyone else do have rights and if I can help it and educate someone in the process then perhaps it is worth going through the process.
The worst thing of it all was not that someone tried to pick my restraints because it happens, people are curious after all. But when I asked her to stop, and I have to admit she did stop but she also told me basically to shut up about it.
Now, that got my heckles up. There was really no reason to react to that way. The only reason I can think of, is that being called out on it angered her in some way. I do not know for sure. But the whole thing left a really nasty impression on me.
So here you have the two main themes of tonight, scene etiquette to an extend, and how conduct yourself in company of others, even within the lifestyle. I think the previous example highlights why I think and feel that this is a much needed discussion over the others
So, first of all scene etiquette. From the way, I was inducted, introduced, raised, pick whatever word or synonym is suitable here, within the BDSM community, you never ever interrupt in a scene, unless you are specifically invited to do so. Even then you mainly look to the dominant for guidance. After all they know the submissive best and know what they can and can’t take.
Even when the dominant is not apparently around and the submissive is on her own then there are two simple rules that I believe everyone should adhere to. In the first place, do not touch what is not yours without out express permission, consent and assent from at least the submissive and preferably both the submissive and the dominant. Don’t go barging in there because you feel you have the right. It shows extremely bad manners.
Even if you think that submissive is in a precarious situation, check with them first. Although I will put the caveat lector in here that if you feel strongly that the submissive is in danger because of say her limps are bound to tight or in a way that she could undergo severe damage if she stays in such a position longer. Sometimes when bodily harm is on the line, I guess allowances should be made.
Also along these lines, it is very rude considered to be touching someone toys, and I am not talking about the flesh and blood kind here. Going rooting through someone’s toy bag without them having give again explicit permission is considered the height of bad forms.
Along with not interrupting a scene comes walking through someone’s play space. This is not just wrong, rude but also highly dangerous. The dominant may not have seen you since they are focussed on the submissive and you may get hit by accident by the tail end of a flogger of a cane.
Even worse, what if you are doing say something like needle play, knife play or wax play. Activities where you must be sure you can play safely without someone blundering in like an orang-utan because it is more convenient. For such situations I would always recommend if this is a public play space you ask someone to watch and move anyone out of the way. Most commonly during parties is that there will be dungeon monitors on hand who will well suited for these tasks and mostly happy to oblige in making your play experience a safe one.
To come back to a point I already had made somewhat, do not touch anyone’s toys without having consent given explicitly. But this time, I am talking about the flesh and blood toys. If someone has not submitted to you for a scene or for a relationship, you don’t get to touch them because you just fancy doing that. You should always asks and if you can not ask, then leave well alone.
In line with that, do not go assuming that just because you are a dominant you get to act like the word of god and declare what any submissive should do and should not do. You may be a dominant but you are not my dominant. I do actually feel rather ambivalent about that saying but in this case, I think it is warranted. Besides, there are ways to handle things and ways to make things even worse.
No matter what your standing within a community is, you have to except the ability exercise manners and at least a minimum of decorum. Ordering a submissive that is not yours without consent and being rude to them is a real sure fire way to quickly gain any respect that people may have had for you.
Submissives are not doormats and dominants are not the right hand of god either. We are all human beings and as such we should be approaching each other as such. Just barking out orders and expecting them to be obeyed, makes you come across at best as a wannabe and at worst a bully that is not in control of their own actions and thoughts.
Be magnanimous if you turn to be wrong. Apologise if you feel you have slighted a submissive, whether of your own conviction or because the submissive clearly is upset at what is happening. If she is not your submissive do not believe you can go order her about because it is convenient for you, or inconvenient. If you are wrong, you are wrong and you should apologise. That has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive, that is what a decent human being does.
Think before you act, then think again. And honestly, what is the problem with so many dominants having trouble admitting when they are wrong? Is does not lesser your ego in anyway, at least not in my view. In fact – I would probably gain respect if a dominant would apologise after having intentionally or unintentionally upset me.
But that is me. I can not sadly speak for others.
And with that I want to leave it here tonight. This whole episode as I said, has left me with a rather bad feeling and while writing about it and talking with some others has proven to be helpful in putting it behind me, I think I have written enough about the subject.
I shall post this as it is and with that comes the end of this weeks blog. I hope that you at least enjoyed reading some of my thoughts on this subject and I shall look forward to seeing you all next week.
Until then
stay safe, stay sane, have fun
lexi
I appreciate that you used a distasteful experience to inform both Mistresses and subs about etiquette.
Being played with, without permission, puts relationships at risk. What I mean is, if a sub is required to inform their Mistress of all interactions with others, a Mistress will often address the other person. Apologies may not be offered or accepted.
The SL BDSM community is quite interwoven and inappropriate behaviour on either side is never in isolation. Depending on the transgression relationship(s) could be irreparable, and can hurt the community as a whole.