As always on a Saturday, I am sitting down to write, except for the difference that for once I am writing quite a lot earlier. The reason: Real Life. There is a planned social event tomorrow with my friends in the town that I live in. This means that I can not really afford to stay up into the wee late hours of the night to agonise about what I should write about and burn the midnight oil for this.
Especially as sleep this week has been hard to come by, with one night already spending in bed counting the ceiling tiles until the first meagre rays of sunlight pierced the veil of the night, to announce the dawning arrival of a new day.
In many cases thus, writing somewhat earlier is not an overly bad thing all in all considered. If I can get this done sooner rather then later, it means both that I get some time to spend the evening relaxing, rather then pounding out the words and get plenty of sleep. Win, win if you are asking me.
While looking for something to write about I came across the following questions from a blog called “A kinky girl Bella”. While they looked interesting enough to answer them and to write quickly, on a closer look they may be somewhat more difficult to answer.
Why? Mostly because they are asking for questions on both sides of the collar. While I have no qualms in any way about writing from the submissive perspective, the opposite however is not entirely true. Writing from a dominants perspective is, by and large, mostly speculation. Sure in my years of BDSM I have an idea what goes on in their head, but by the same token I am not a mind reader and mostly what I can remark on or write about, is adapted from my point of view regardless. So I am not entirely sure yet, how I am going to tackle this.
There are two ways I can tackle this. Well officially speaking three ways, but the third would be to abandon the topic and try and find something new. Which seems not all that much of a solution at all. So that leaves me with the following two approaches that may actually work:
The first one being, is to forgo completely the dominant perspective and write purely from the submissive perspective. While attractive I am probably so far (I may change my mind on this while writing), going a slightly different route.
The second method would be where possible, I am going to rewrite the questions or answer them from my perspective. I do invite any and all dominants that read by blog, to feel free to answer my questions and put their own views in the comment or in a blog post of their own. So while this perhaps doesn’t stay in letter with the questions as posted on Bella’s blog, I am sure it is staying well within the spirit.
(*N.B. After writing the submissives answer I found that I had a lot more trouble with the dominant answers, as well finding I had written a fair amount of text just for the submissive part. So I am going to leave the Dominant questions for a dominant to answer and perhaps either leave a link or the answer in the comment)
1. In your words, what does it mean for a person to submit to another person in terms of the BDSM lifestyle? The way this question is formed, makes me think that we are talking about submitting in a fuller sense of the word. In other words, a formal collaring, rather then an occasional scene with someone.
For me, submitting on that level means surrendering myself to their will, to their desire, to make myself the best person I can be for them. However, it does not stop there for me. There is so much more to it. It means a very deep connection to a person, and also opening myself up and making myself increasingly vulnerable. Although, of course, while being vulnerable, such a connection doesn’t come without trusting a person fully, which will negate some of that. To live a life in their footsteps, to dedicate your own life to making another person as happy and as fulfilled as they can be, being of service of them in any way possible, I am not talking just sexually here. In fact far from that. As someone with a penchant for service oriented submission my desire to make a person happy will extend far beyond that.
Submitting to that level for me is an all encompassing well, decision, although perhaps using something among the lines of calling or dedication would be equally well placed. I could go on what it means for me, but I think it end up in an endless list of superlatives.
2. What are the five most important traits of a submissive? Honesty, willingness, dedication, strength, communication, loving. Okay, those are six traits, but I will discuss each of them separately and while I think there are some cross overs, I also hope you will agree with me, why I find these so important.
Love: Perhaps most important is love, the capability to love both to others and to ones self. On my email there is a signature that I have always taken to heart. It says: “D/s is not about pain, or how much pain one can stand. It is about how much love can be shown”. I think that is a wonderful quote that hits the nail on the head. Well, at least for me it does.
Honesty: The ability to be honest with a partner, with yourself, about your wants, needs, desires, loves, likes, hates, dictates and what not is crucial. It is crucial in any relationship and even more so in a BDSM relationship. Because of the activities involved and the impact it can have in all areas of your life; mentally, physically, and even socially you need to be able to know yourself, know what you want and do not want.
Communication: While knowing what you are and what you want, even more important then that is the ability to make this known and being able to explain and talk about your emotions and desires openly and freely with a partner. To talk about, to explore in words all that is involved in a relationship, to reason with, to know when to step back and listen, to know when to say no are all important things. Communication is important in any relationship. In a BDSM relationship even more so.
Strength: All too often in modern media, being submissive is almost synonym with being weak, with being lesser. I think it is not even remotely close to the truth. I think there is an enormous source of strength in submission. As you all know I am a great proponent of meaningful quotes. I have just such a quote for this occasion: “There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip away another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked.”
While I do know who has written this, I am going to include it anyway. This quotes shows that much like D/s, strength and power are also double sided coins. While there is strength in control, there is also strength in taking that control and letting it flow through you and knowing that by coming out the other end (how wrong does that sound, but you know what I mean), you still are you and you still are doing what you love.
Willingness: Willingness could be in so many things, willingness to communicate, to learn, to listen, to speak, to love, to learn. Which is why this makes it for me one of the more important things to be included. Like I mentioned, some of these will be Incorporated with may of the other facets that are perhaps more on the forefront of the traits needed. However, without the willingness and the next one, you have very little to go on.
Dedication: Dedication perhaps will go together with willingness, it not as well with some of the other ones. To dedicate yourself not only to the relationship, but to your dominant especially. However that is not all there is. To dedicate yourself to yourself. To learn, to make yourself a better person, to love yourself for the person that you are are equally if not more important. Also important is to dedicate yourself to knowing what is best for you and what is the safest way to do it in. Yes dominants may perhaps wield the toys but as a submissive you are equally obliged to know what is happening to be safe. After all, how could you give informed consent otherwise?
3. What is the difference between a slave, a submissive, a baby girl, and a bottom? I am going to answer this in the easiest way that I can: I would say that most of them are submissive to begin with. A submissive is a person that is submissive, a build in or ingrained desire to please a dominant person. A bottom is a person that submits to a dominant for the length of a scene but nothing outside that. Once the scene is over the dominant (and/or Top) and the bottom are on equal footing once again. A submissive often submits for longer periods of time, although there is nothing in saying that a scene can’t last several days, say for the duration of a weekend.
A slave, is a submissive who gives away a lot of her freedom for her dominant. She says yes at the collaring (and thus her transition from a submissive to a slave) and that really is it. While that is in reality a bit short sighted definition, after all if a slave in a BDSM relationship would really no longer be with the dominant, there are always ways out. The idea behind the distinction is that a slave consents once and then there will be a de-facto consensual non-consent.
Last, perhaps but not least, a baby girl. I would describe a baby girl as someone who incorporates several elements of a little girl in her relationship. Hear me out, before you draw out the pitchforks. When I say little girl, I am not talking about the wrong kind of stuff, I am referring to incorporating elements of an often simpler, more innocent time in our life, if nothing else perhaps the desire to know such a time, either for the first time or again. After all, to live in a state of bliss, happiness, where we can be what we want, where we can act without a care in the world and not be encumbered, is that something that bad if someone wants that?
4. What do you offer as a bottom? My bottom! Okay, sorry, I couldn’t resist. It is a difficult question to some extend, as my behaviour does not much change as a bottom then as a submissive. Of course as a bottom I choose partners with great care and make sure I discuss everything before hand. For short scenes with just a person it is just that. It’s the scene that is important, including aftercare. There will not be be any control structure outside of that and after the scene is over, it may well be we each go onto our merry way without looking back.
The bigger difference is that for a scene in which I bottom, I will not allow any input that is going to be extending into my life, or containing orders that will impact my life. It’s very contained. I also will not bring much of my extended service personality to the scene, i.e. Often for me at least bottom scenes are either about bondage, or impact play, very seldom about service, which for me is aligned with submission.
5. What do you offer as a submissive/slave? As a submissive I offer a greater part of myself, up to including control of certain (very carefully and in detail negotiated) parts of my life, a lot depending on the medium and person involved. As I get to know people longer and more trust build between us, I may open up more and allow for more. I will start to gravitate to exploring their likes as well as doing my best to make myself useful to them in a myriad of little ways.
As a slave, the domain reserved for only the rare few. I give all. As unreserved as I can, exposing all of me (and not just in that way!), and turning fully to make them as happy as I can through whatever way I can think. I bring unquestionable loyalty (perhaps to a fault) as well as my devotion to them. I will do anything I can within my power to be all that I can be for them. *blushes*, although this feels perhaps a little bit too much like blowing my own trumpet and I am sorry for that. But I tried to answer the question as honest as I could.
These were all the questions and my answers to the thoughts on submission and dominance. Perhaps the dominance part is not come to the forefront as much as it was intended. However as said, time and writing space allowed for just one side of the collar to be addressed tonight. Maybe if there are many requests I will do the other side from my point of view for another week.
However as promised, I would post the questions for the dominants to answer here as well, so that those who wanted to could answer them. The questions are as follows:
- What does it mean for a person to dominate another person in terms of the BDSM lifestyle?
- What are the five most important traits of a dominant?
- What is the difference between a Master/Mistress, a Dominant, a Daddy (Mommy?), and a Top?
- What do you offer as a Dominant?
- What do you offer as a Top?
So if you are a dominant, and you are reading this blog entry, please feel free to have a go at the answers. Either post them on my blog, or write a blog post yourself and give me the link. And that, as they say in the film industry is a wrap. This is a way longer blog-post then I thought it was going to be but I had fun writing it. I hope you equally enjoyed reading it and with that I am going to get this ready for publication and I hope to see you all for next week.
Until the, I wish you a wonderful remainder of your weekend.
Stay safe, have fun, enjoy
lexi.
Reblogged this on Slave Stories for My Sir.
Interesting questions
== What does it mean for a person to dominate another person in terms of the BDSM lifestyle? ==
It’s really difficult to understand an answer without being submissive yourself. In my understanding dominance is not a thing you do, it is a thing you are. Lifestyle implies all of life, not a scene or occasional play. The submissive mind is engorged in the reality, the now, the emotion. The dominant is not, rather being involved in the ordered understanding of the now and the past and the future. Control is not given nor taken but it is understood between both that control is for the one that understands it. In a TPE there is no identity in the intimate understanding, only a we where one half is in control and the other half is subordinate… each gaining from the other’s experience and expertise in the other domain of understanding.
== What are the five most important traits of a dominant? ==
The dominant understands the ordered understanding of past, present, and future and how the TPE exchange creates we/us rather than two people. The submissive understands ‘belong’ and the dominant understands ‘we’
Pain is not a weapon. All pain is against the we if it is harmful.
Knowledge is growth for both dom and sub.
bdsm is symbiotic, no matter the fearlessness of a dom, without the we there is no dominance, no control.
submission is not a gift. It is a sacrifice equal to what the dom sacrifices. Both are done vountarily yet both are sacrifices for mutual gain.
== What is the difference between a Master/Mistress, a Dominant, a Daddy (Mommy?), and a Top? ==
In each relationship there is a dynamic. The participants need to define that dynamic. When you speak of levels of play, committment, sacrifice some give them labels so that there is structure to keep them from getting lost. Without rules the game becomes difficult, frightening, not-fun. These are simply ways to define the rules.
== What do you offer as a Dominant? ==
I don’t. I simply am. If it is that I am what you as a submissive desire, then we should explore that. See above for more.
== What do you offer as a Top? ==
I don’t offer anything. I am able to be what you need if all other elements are necessarily met. I have hard limits but they are few. You tell me what I offer.
Excellent definition of Dominance and TPE, Thank you. I think I knew this, but you put it clearly and succinctly in a way I never would have,
It is how I understand myself. A necessary undertaking.
Your description of the baby girl is absolutely correct. It really is about the desire for that innocence. For me, it’s a desire for the innocence I feel I lost too early in real life. YES, I know my birth certificate says I was born in 1977, and the rest of the world looks at me and sees a woman in her fourth decade (and I’m quite capable of behaving like a grown up, I can hold down a job, have a driver’s licence, although in all honesty, no one ACTUALLY owns a car in the five boroughs of New York City, but you get the point, I’m not unable or incapacitated from doing things other adults do), I just want to have, or play at having back the childlike innocence I lost too soon in real life.
I could write lots from both sides of the collar. After all I have submissive, slave, switch, Mistress and Goddess. For the sake of my girls in SL I have given up submission thought there is one special woman who pursued me for some time to who I do enjoy the occasional submissive tryst and my girls don’t mind seeing me submit to her. That being said, on to what prompted this brief reply:
Bottom, top, bottoming, topping .. I have to disagree a bit. Yes, it is about one session, but it need not be about what we typically think of as dominance in submission. For example, a dominant may bottom, that is choose to be on the receiving end of humiliation, bondage, whipping, etc, but she may not make any pretense to submission. She is pursing what she wants in that moment. It looks like submission, but it’s not This is not to say that bottoming may not involve some real submission, just that the only submistion is to the restraints and the helplessness. When a Mistress asks a sub to top her, gues who’s really in charge.
The same thing goes for topping. Anyone can wield a whip and perhaps even become good with it. But this does not make the a dominant. Being Dominant is a whole mindset. Some women talk to you in a way, hold them selves such that you want to do anything they say or will do anything to earn their attention. Being able to assume that air is non trivial and not all can learn how to do it. Many subs can top, meaning restrain, humiliate, use another to some degree but never attain the mindset that they are in control or make the bottom feel she has lost control. A mistress asking her slave to top her is not asking to be dominated, thought that might be nice, but is asking for a certain experience, physical or otherwise.
So there’s my take on it. Topping and Bottoming are more general terms than Dominance and Submission. Dominance is always Topping, but not the other way around. Submission always includes bottoming, but not the other way around. And this really has little to do with whether it is one session or many, but typically it describes single session play.