First of all before I delve into the this weeks topic I really want to thank you all, my dear readers for the wonderful responses and likes on my last blog post. It really warms the cockles of my heart to get such an overwhelming response.
One of my readers, Miss Charlotte The Harlot asked if I had ever written about the dynamics of Long distance BDSM relations with a focus on Master/slave relationships. And truth be told, no it is, I think a topic I have not written about a lot, although perhaps there are trends to be found in several blog-post that I have written in the last few years.
Even the munches I have held with Vanni, it’s not a topic we ever considered (hint), but perhaps who knows. However as you all know, I am so ready to please my readers that indeed the topic this week is about Long Distance Relationships.
A long distance relationship is, in terms of definitions, a relationship where you can’t easily pop around to see the next person, say within a days travel. Often in these times of Internet with its digital and virtual environments, these relationships are either spanning several states (in the case of the US), or even countries or intercontinental.
So what do you need to make such a dynamic work. What can you do to keep it ‘fresh and juicy’ as it were. What are your options and what are your limitations. How do you develop the dynamic and how do you deal with issues as after-care and sub-drop as well as punishments.
So let’s have a look, shall we?
The first and most important rule of long distance relationships is communication communication and communication. There is no way I can not stress enough the importance of how much you need to talk, force to talk and hash things out and to be in touch with each other. And don’t just talk, listen to what your partner says, hear what they say. Because of your physical separation, this is so very important. Both partners need to put their more than fair share in of communicating.
Reach out to each other, every day, multiple times per day if you need be. Be it email, some kind of IM, text messages, a messaging application, phone, skype. Whatever works for you, what ever you find makes you feel the most connected. Even snail mail could be a wonderful and personal touch. In that sense living in the “future”, in this era of smart-phones, laptops, with their software and cameras keeping in touch with your partners is so much easier than it has ever been before.
Now of course I am aware that saying “keep talking, keep communicating” is a lot easier said than done. But one of the things that could make your relationship if you have more to talk about then just BDSM (I know, shocking concept), but having shared passions, hobbies makes your conversation more interesting and flowing and will also allow you both to be more comfortable and open to each other.
What is also important is that you know when you are going to be on-line and determine how long you are willing to wait. Wait, (see what I did there?) what? Yes decide a time frame that you want to spend time waiting at the computer. Nothing is more painful than sitting staring at a screen waiting to see if your partner promised to turn up at the agreed time.
And of course, life does get in the way of things. And sometimes it is just not plain possible to contact someone. And the last time you want is both feeling unsettled because one of them could not make it. So say you are planning to meet at eight in the evening, if your other half has not shown up by say eight thirty, leave a message and go do something else. That makes it easier to stop feelings of resentment.
In line with the above, don’t make your on-line relationship the be-all and end-all of your life. Yes there is something as New Relationship Energy (often abbreviated as NRE) is a state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement. NRE will make you want to delve deeply into a relationship and keep giving but while with ‘normal’ (as in close distance) relationships, it is easier to work around these feelings.
So make time for family, friends and hobbies. It will actually improve your relationship because you will find more things to talk about and to share. Speaking of sharing and communication: make sure you share as much as your day with each other, just as you would normally in a relationship. Again this keeps things fresh and interesting.
And with these things you can build in little routines to keep each other in mind. Such as wishing each other good morning, good night, letting your dominant know when you left the house and have arrived home safely. And whatever you can think off in between, however do keep it to a sensible level. Asking your dominant if you may go to the toilet, while you are directly talking to him (or with him in person) may be exciting and fun, over SMS text messages it is a bit cumbersome and not realistic (especially since SMS text can take up to 72 hours to arrive)
One of the things that people sometimes tend to forget is to actually make time for themselves. Everything (often due to NRE) tends to spend in light of the new relationship. But having, what I qualify as “me” time is very important too. A dominant should do well to remind their submissive to take this time. This could be anything ranging from a nice hot bath, a movie, or just spend time lounging on the couch catching up on watching television.
One of the great ways to keep a top of feelings of loneliness could be to keep log-files of your conversations and read through them from time to time. It’s like having a readily and concrete accessible memory of your partner. Also it can help you to show and see how you have progressed and grown into your relationship and for all you know you may find new things to talk about based on what you read.
Another good tool is to blog (oh the irony), in the form of a daily journal for the submissive to gather her thought and talk about things freely. Most blogs these days allow a private mode so that only those that ‘need-to-know’ can have access.
Strangely, enough one tool that can be rather effective is to tak about meeting each other and how you would go about that. Even if it is not something that would either be possible or not for a couple of years, the act of thinking and dreaming together about the possibilities of how things would go and what would come forth from it, can work very bonding in a relationship.
The above all describes various dynamic, as in relationship, that can be used in any long term relationship, whether that be vanilla or kinky. So what about the kink side of things. How do you weave these into a long distance relationship.
While some people might frown upon this, but I think that geographical distance playing a factor in the relationship, fantasy and role-play is a tool that you have at your disposal that shouldn’t be dismissed out of hand. It is the stuff of the mind that you will use to express dominance and submission rather than cuffs and rope and chain. And as I have often remarked, the brain is the biggest sex organ there is.
However with the above, please do take in account the aftercare. Not being together makes such a thing much more difficult to deal with. As a submissive you have to know your own signs so to speak and know how to be able to handle them. As a dominant you should be able to make that time for being with the submissive, and being able to talk to them, reassure them and steer the conversation in such a way that it helps the submissive to come back down again.
As for control, there are several ways that can be implemented, which can range from easy to follow orders to full on control through programs such as team-viewers (Don’t laugh, there are large communities dedicated to using this tool as the ‘ultimate’ in on-line control. However I am sure you agree with me that it takes a lot of trust to let someone have access to and control your computer. As for reading material The Loving Dominant and Discipline: Adding Rules and Discipline to your BDSM Relationship are both really good reads
Punishment, which I believe are an intricate part of a D/s relationship (even though I really prefer to avoid them), can be done in several ways. Of course there is the physical element if it is possible, such as having the submissive spanking themselves on camera, or to be made to wear clothes pins for a specific amount of time.
Of course you could go easily the more traditional route and that is having the submissive write lines (such as “I shall not …”), or have them write an essay of minimum length in which they are to write what they did wrong, why they did it, and what they want to do to improve the situation so that such behaviour is less likely to occur.
Then of course thee is one form of punishment that I have seen myself and that still stands within my relationship. To withdraw contact. I have seen this work quite effectively and while I hasten to add that withdrawing contact should never be done on a whim, i.e. let a submissive know that her behaviour is out of bounds before severing contacts (remember the three C’s of punishment (Confront, Chastice, Comfort).
Above all, make sure that you let the submissive know at what time you are expecting to be back and stick that, if you can’t write her an email or let her know one way or another. Nothing is more soul-destroying for a submissive then being told that the dominant doesn’t want to talk to her and then fails to return.
So I hope the above gives you an idea of what is possible and while this is only a ‘short’ blog-post on the possibilities of Long Distance Relationships I hope it gives people a bit of an insight. There are many guides out there that will tell you more in detail and there are plenty of on-line communities such as IRC, Second Life or Reddit (think /r/BDSMCommunity) that will gladly listen to you and help you figure things out.
Have fun, talk and enjoy
lexi
Thank you SO very much for this post, and for mentioning me! 🙂 While My Master and I do many of the things you talked about already, your words have definitely given me some ideas to discuss with him for the future. On a side note, I’m traveling to see him in less than 48 hours … 😉
Awesome! Please have the most wonderful of times!! And you’re very welcome about mentioning you. In fact thank *you* for giving me the idea to write about this topic. 🙂
I think one of the things I forgot to really mention in the post is that people have a tendency to say “oh it’s been so long since I have seen him/her” but rather they should look forward, instead of back. And yes As per usual that is easier said then done but I think it’s a good concept anyway. 🙂
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