Good evening, welcome to another week of me writing about things that interest me, confuse me, I want to learn about or just catch my attention and I think that I have something to say about. Of course with plenty of rants.
It’s been a quiet but productive week so far and I have felt that I haven’t been as much in Second Life and around the net this week. The reason? Basically it has been a glorious week, with loads of sunshine. I have been making the most of it and attacking my garden, or rather the overgrown jungle that has threatened to take over the paving slaps. It needed to be done and while I am nowhere near finished, it already is looking way much better then it was. Still all in all, I think there is a serious case to be made for gardening with machete and flame throwers. It would definitely be more fun!
This week, I was really struggling to come up with a post, mostly because until an hour ago, writing has not been really on my mind with a lot of mundane real life stuff taking its place. But thanks to talking to some friends and reading one of the discussion logs, I came upon an idea that may be worth exploring a little bit more.
It’s also a topic that I haven’t really touched in a long time. So in that sense it makes for a good time to, albeit perhaps lightly, to revisit tonight. And what is that topic? It is about etiquette. The last time I wrote about etiquette, was in 2012 in my post about “protocol and behaviour in D/s relationships”. How does the time fly.
So with that, let’s have a look at Etiquette and how it applies.
First of all, what is exactly etiquette. The shortest definition of etiquette is “rules governing socially acceptable behaviour”. Another definition states it as follows: “The forms required by good breeding, or prescribed by authority, to be observed in social or official life; observance of the proprieties of rank and occasion; conventional decorum; ceremonial code of polite society“.
In other words, etiquette addresses social situations and aims to prevent unintentional offence or embarrassment by providing generally accepted patterns of behaviour within specified environments. The various issues that are addressed by etiquette include introductions, physical contact (such as handshaking), topics of conversation, precedence, terms of address, and the use of titles. There are many big and dusty books written that cover every single angle of etiquette including how to set tables, how to eat and every single rule that mankind can conceive for interaction in society.
Now while the above is all wonderful and nice, this is how etiquette is defined within broader terms. The interesting part I find is in the second definition from the 1913 Webster, that there is clearly a link made between class (as noted by “good breeding”) and manners.
However the above is basically how one would define how etiquette applies in general terms and perhaps in general situations. As I mentioned there are lots of books being written on that subject. What I want to do tonight is look at how etiquette applies within the BDSM scene.
First of all, as we can all agree, there is of course a discrepancy between what we would like to see, we in this case being me, and what generally happens. So first of all; what within the scene would I like to see?
Above all, I would love to see everyone in the scene treat each other with respect, dignity, honesty and a general air of being courteous towards each other. While everyone would like to think that, I think that it is a whole less common then one would expect or even worse then we all like to admit.
I am keeping the tone of the blog light for tonight. I am fully aware that in difference situations with a stricter sense of protocol a whole different set of etiquette would be the common form. But for now I am going about when you are meeting up with people either at a location, at a party, or at a munch.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that what I would like to see, that this does not happen. However on the other hand it does not always happen as much as most of us would like to see. Most of the meetings you will have in the scene will be nice, with decent people. But I think we should always strive to improve ourselves and hold up a mirror to what we do.
What can we then expect? Depending a little bit on what the protocol is of the event you are attending but in most cases of munches people will be friendly and just chat away and hug. Since munches are by and large vanilla, you shouldn’t expect any play there.
Now let’s go a bit deeper, to say play parties or clubs and events with a higher level of protocol, much like the ones I am attending in the various virtual worlds. You certainly can expect a different form of etiquette, people may react different and expect different things from you. But just because they have this notion, how do we react to this?
So what can you do and what can you not do. While this situation is by and large aimed at the behaviour of dominants (sorry!), it is something that comes up often enough to warrant, at least in my view, to be addressed.
I have often heard the discussions about this, where dominants and submissives as well seem to want to feel where the line of acceptable behaviour is, within interacting which each other. How far can you go?
First of all this does wholly depend on the situation itself. Not two situations are the same. There the primary factors to consider, such as is the submissive single or in service to another dominant, is she above all open to the advances of the other dominant (news flash: just because you are dominant does not mean you are gods second gift to mankind). But sarcasm aside: there is nothing wrong with talking to a submissive to see what she is up to, if she is open to anything else or more, as long as you are courteous in all your manners (and that means also in dealing with rejection) and kind and polite.
As for submissives, if a dominant shows interest in you and you are owned, do not snarl him off like he is some first class pervert on a register. Remember, we are all human, we have all wants, needs and desires and something in your behaviour or standing has attracted them to you. The least you can do, even if you want to turn him down, is to be kind and polite and courteous about it. Granted, if someone does not get the message after a second time, stronger measures may be needed.
So, yes, you should be free to explore and approach other people as long, as you do it in the manner outlined in the previous paragraphs. What you can not do, is acting like an arse. Just because you are dominant, does not give you certain rights. And likewise, because you are submissive does not mean you can act the way you want, and if someone has a problem with it, refer them to your dominant as a simple get-out-of-jail-for-free card.
So, the question becomes then. What can you do and how do you deal with a breach of etiquette? From a dominants perspective, I have heard solutions ranging from punishing the submissive, to not punishing but still giving a physical reminder of her place. The latter is just so wrong on many levels. Why, you ask? Because it will be most likely a breach of consent. If you are not willing to discipline a submissive, or perhaps more likely the case, she is not willing to be disciplined by you, then you do not have her consent. Slapping her because you feel that she deserved that, is at least a breach of consent and added to that a show that as a dominant you can not control yourself. Add to that that non-consensual slap in the law is pretty much defined as assault, which means the law may get involved.
So what can you do? Not much really. Such is the nature of the beast. At best you can take the following actions. Ask the submissive to adjust their behaviour, in strong cases you can make it very clear that you are not pleased with her behaviour and disappointed. Sometimes for the right person that can have a strong effect. (I know for me, when I have truly been acting out, a reminder by a dominant that I respected that my behaviour is not on par, had me piping down rather quickly).
The downside of this method is if the dominant and submissive are not acquainted in any way and the establishment that they frequent has no direct rules governing this, this may become rather awkward and volatile situation. And really other than a word, there is little else you can do.
But submissives, we are not entirely without fault either. All too often we react crassly towards dominants and we seem to see them as those who want to lecherously pray upon our bodies for their own amusement rather then the mutual enjoyment that a good session can bring.
And this makes also a nice little segue, into my other point of this all. And that is, once again, personal responsibility. Especially in virtual worlds, there seems to be an ever growing yes-culture among submissives. There seems to be both the idea that dominants are almighty and can not be reasoned or negotiated with and we have to say yes and amen to everything they so desire.
It is rather easy (from my point of view at least) to continue bad behaviour and just to say “well take it up with my dominant”. You see this in the world of Second Life a lot on profiles. “any comments redirect them to my dominant”. I mean, what? What happened to us being decent human beings that are personally responsible for our actions, for the knowledge that our actions are also a reflection of our dominants?
Which could just not be further from the truth. I also think that this permeates and sustains a culture, that we are only week and feeble submissives that can not do anything without the guidance from our dominants. What happened to us being strong, independent, persons that enjoy submission for reasons that it makes it feel good. Sure we all like to lean on our dominants. I know I have, and I know I have my Mistress much to thank for the improvements that her training and guidance have done for me, both in the virtual and the real world.
The whole above has more than once let to submissives not daring, not wanting to open their mouth and say what they should say or what they want to say. Which can and has lead to misunderstandings, such as believing when someone is allowed or able to play. Such situations could be avoided if people spoke out, and took responsibility for their own words and actions, rather then granting dominant mind-reading powers and an universal awareness.
And on a personal note, I know, that I can speak for myself, that my behaviour comes with consequences and that I can be and should be hold personally accountable for my actions. While that may not always be in the form of physical punishment. If a dominant find my behaviour not to their liking, they can address me about it. Whether I know will agree to their assessment is a different matter but I will listen to their case.
And with that, I am going to go and post this blog, and head to bed before my head hits the keyboard. Thank you for reading my blog on etiquette and I have a question for you that you can answer in the comments: “What do you think of etiquette in the scene and how should dominants and submissives react to each other, especially in situations where one has an interest in the other?”
And with that question in mind, I shall leave you and bid you a good night and the most wonderful and pleasant of Sundays.
Take care, think and stay and play safe
lexi
We live an M’s relationship so the protocols and etiquette is much higher.
The problem is the younger generation who do not believe in protocols or etiquette.
The proof is the obscene email my slave receives from 20 yr old masters looking for sex.
Even munchs the lack of respect.
Its really sad
To answer your last question – I’d say more often than not, situation dictates. If we become bound to rigidity, it can lead us away from our destination. It’s easy to say “do this” or “don’t do that”; however, it’s not always that easy.
Often I’ll read in your blogs that you struggle in some way to write that week’s entry. And each each I’m glad you do.
I’m imagining some dommes/subs could read this and think to themselves…Oh, I would never do that. I speak up, or I wouldn’t punish a sub without a reason – but with a reason you bet I’ll put them in their place. The ones who need lessons on etiquette – are often the ones who don’t realize it.
I strive to conduct myself with respect compassion, and courtesy – and don’t always do so, in either role. My words and actions reflect on me in either role, and the communities I hold dear to my heart.
Once, in my domme role, inworld, I was gently reminded by a sub (nudge, nudge), that my outraged feelings towards another sub’s behaviour would not reflect well on me if spoken. That was all I needed to remember who I am and how I want to interact with people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle..etc.
I also have a responsibility to speak up, in appropriate ways. I calmly spoke with her in private chat, and respectfully approached her Mistress, who disciplined her. It was not responsibility to do so.
I’ll understand lex, if you struggle to write this coming week’s blog. You are human after all. And, I look forward to next week’s topic.