Dealing with the absence of a Dominant

As promised tonight, and I eventually always keep a promise. Even if that takes a while of getting around to getting my mind sorted. As I have promised since a while back, while admittedly without giving any reference to a time frame or anything, I wanted to write a blog about what happens when you are suddenly left without your dominant.

now while that sounds like a rather heavy introduction, I want to state before hand, that this is not dealing with the grieving process by a bereft partner. This blog will also not talk about what happens when a partner leaves you. While both are undoubtedly topics that are topics that are worthwhile writing about, they are perhaps a bit heavy for me to tackle in a single session. Maybe one day I shall, but somehow I really hope not. The biggest question which must lie upon everyone lips must thus be; “So what is this blog about, then?”

First of all, this is a blog that deals with a situation that is far more unique in a virtual world enviroment, then it is in Real Life. Although I have no misgivings that the same probably to a degree also happens in our daily lives, as horrific and sad such a thing may be. But life imitates art and vice verse after all.

So, as many a curious reader will want to know, what is the blog about. Sit back, put your feet up and let me tell you.

This blog will be, primarily dealing with the situation of when a dominant up and leaves in a virtual enviroment, such as Second Life. It’s not an altogether uncommon happenstance. However that begs the following two questions directly. Why is it just the dominant that gets a bad name here, if by nothing else, and why is this a phenomena that seems so unique to virtual worlds altogether.

As for the latter, while I do not have a cut and dry answer that stretches beyond the realms of reasonable doubts, I have a hypothesis on that. I think that the world of Second Life provides so many distractions as well as an escape from the reality we inhabit, that sometimes it is easy to get lost in this world. The world is also provides a convenient instant delivery of whatever activity we desire with very little system enhanced checks, whether that system is sociologically or system based.

Of course, for the most successful relationships a large degree of honesty is required. While I am fully aware that this may be on an entirely different level then most people would expect honesty to be in the real world, it is still a valid expression. For a better explanation of this concept see Vanni Cannoli’s blog on trust.

Combining the two, an world where instant gratification is offered for everyone almost virtually free of charge, where avatars can be created at the drop of an hat, where there are little check, sociological or otherwise, makes the virtual world an unique place where people randomly disappear a simple fact of its life.

The second part of the question; why focus primarily on dominants. Is this behaviour something akin unique to dominants? No, of course not. However as I am known to do I do write from my own perspective and that is as a submissive. Add to that that there are more submissives then dominants. If a submissive has a dominant there is a great then average change that the submissive will want to hold on to the dominant as best they can. So the numbers are entirely tipped in their favour and the absent of a dominant is therefor felt easier and stronger.

Now, having explained where the focus of this blog is, I am going to start of with a little bit  of a rant. And that is the following. All to often I hear submissives in Second Life complaining and wailing that their dominant has not been around for a week, maybe two or three and how hopeless and unfocused their life has become.

And this irks me for several reasons. First of all, and this is a highly personal reason. My Mistress is frequently absent from SL, due to commitments. Sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. But that was something that I was fully aware and informed about that that could happen. You deal with it and more about that later on. But to hear someone throwing away a relationship over two weeks absence, makes me question what value they saw in their relationship in the first place.

Secondly, this behaviour seems to perpetuate the myth that submissives are weak, feeble women, who can not live without the guidance and control and structure provided by a dominant. Are we that devolved that if we do not have someone watching over us every single moment of the day, we wither? I dare hope not!

Most submissives I know in real life, are strong, independent, opinionated women. We choose to submit. Not by coercion, not by force, not by fear. We submit because we love, and want to share our love of pleasing with a partner.  Our submission comes from a position of strength, because we have a lot to offer, not a position of weakness, of needing shoring up by a dominant. It reminds of me of one my favourite quotes:

There are two kinds of strengths:
the strength to lead, and the strength to follow;
the strength to control, and the strength to yield.

There are two kinds of power:
the power to strip away another’s soul bare,
and the power to stand naked.

Do we need a driving force in our lives? Perhaps we do, but in ways entirely more subtle then most would display it. Even after many months of absence of my Mistress now in SL, I still feel the result of her training. I still adhere to my curfew. After all, here I am still writing my blog, a blog started by her order and I know that in doing so I write and obey her wishes. But not because she makes me. Because I choose to obey her.

While the above seems a rather black and white view on the situation, let me say this. I do understand that it is never easy when your dominant goes missing and I hope that no one ever has to go through this,whether that be a long or short term period.

The biggest problem with a dominant in absentia is that you are not sure when, if at all, they will return. This prevents the submissive from either gaining closure or moving on, leaving them waiting. So what can you do? That is exactly what I want to discuss in the third part of this blog.

First of all, have a support network. Have friends, family on which you rely on, talk to, hang out with and have fun with. A good support network, a shoulder to cry on and a willing ear to listen. Sometimes that is all that is needed. Knowing there are others you can depend for moral support and cheer you up.

However be careful that you do not overburden them. The situation lies with you and while they are there to support you, you should not exhaust them. There is, such a thing as overburdening people and they may get tired of hearing you go on about the same thing. Pace it, store it, or even (how almost ironically) write about it.

But apart from spending time with your friends, there is something that people seem to forget. Perhaps it is a thing that comes easier to me, with having an introvert nature. But I think that spending some quality time by yourself is something that should not be overlooked. Whether that is in quiet contemplation of in dealing in whatever way this may feel suitable for you. In a way being separated for times longer then you are accustomed to could induce feelings that are similar to loss or bereavement and in some ways may be approached as such.

Coping is different for us all. Some will turn inward, some of us will turn outward, seeking for help. Whatever you do make sure that you don’t go overboard. But there is one thing I have not mentioned. One thing that almost never gets mentioned in these situations.

Have hope. Hope should always be there. There is a quote in the Matrix movies which goes as follows: “Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength and your greatest weakness.” Do I think that it is a delusion to have hope? Not at all. I think it is indeed a source of great strength. Is it our weakness? Perhaps in a way where we stay hoping beyond what should be hoped for. Still I maintain that we should have hope. Until the moment that our heart says that hope has indeed become a delusion perhaps. But hope, hope for love, hope for return of that love and the return of a loved one.

There is one thing, I should think you should guard for. And that is projecting your feelings onto others. But, you already mentioned this? Yes, I did. However this is not what I mean. We all know that sometimes in our deepest, darkest moments of despair, we happen to lash out at other people. Whether this is because we feel threatened, we feel not taken serious, or their situation reminds them way to much of our own that we transfer our own feelings to their relationship is unsure. Each person is wired differently and has a different set of life experiences that makes us who and how we are and how we react.

How do we deal with these feelings. It is sometimes hard to stop them as they may overtake us in a moment. I think that requires a lot of self knowledge and soul searching as well. Realise that in the first place this is not the other persons fault. And while the feelings you have are valid, making another person suffer because of that is just not what makes for a healthy relationship with friends, who after all, should be part of your support network, rather then a virtual punching bag to receiver your frustrations.

Recognise your feelings, both in having them and in the validity of them. Take time out, excuse yourself if you must or go sit on your fingers. Whatever works for you to calm down. Then either discuss it with friends rationally or dismiss them if you can dissect them internally.

As for those who are on the brunt end of things, there is also a lesson to be remembered. While feelings should not dictate how a person act, it does form their reaction towards. So please (and I can perhaps take a leave out of my own book here), be magnanimous. Realise that angry rebuttal will not solve anything no matter how perhaps tempting the situation is.

Among the questions I get asked often, when people learn that I have not seen, nor heard from my Mistress in such a long time: “How do you cope? How do you go on?” Honestly, I find these questions very hard to answer.

I could answer, that I am independent, have friends. Have interests outside of our relationship. But that would be only part of the answer. For me, a large part of that, is very simple. She has my heart, I still love her immensely, her training is still strong and present in me. Above all, I am simply stubborn, and not willing to throw away four, almost five years of relationship away. Perhaps this is something I inherited in my genes (the stubbornness for sure) but for me, a promise made is a promise is kept. For better and worse and all that.

Sure, you could say that sounds all very lofty, and probably it does. But it is how I feel. This does not mean I do not miss her, which I do deeply. But I am strong enough to deal with it and stand on my own two feet and await hopefully her return.

Sometimes it seems incredible to me that while others go through this, they don’t have systems in place to prevent a loss of contact with their significant other or submissives. So in the next section I want to look a bit closer at what can be done to negate that. What can you do to make the situation slightly easier?

The most significant, and perhaps the most simplest of all, get an off world email address.  Since most email providers combine email and instant messaging as one (I am thinking here of Yahoo, Gmail, Microsoft, and probably countless others); it will provide an easy way to stay in touch. However if the other person is truly absent even that may proven futile.

Why, then, do I suggest using this method? Well most of all will set up an alternate gmail address with our avatars name already. So it only makes sense to use it that way. We are living in a world where we are constantly and better connected than anyone before us. How many of have a smart phone, meaning that we are always reachable, whether that is by mail or by chat of some way. Use it people!

But, what other options are there. This, of course depends a lot on the situation. If you know that you are going to be away for a set period of time you can discuss with your submissive before hand what you want/need to be doing. There are several options that you can choose.

The first of all is releasing the submissive from some of her restrictions. Allow her to explore, to play, to love. Nothing will whither and break a submissive as both missing her dominant and not getting her submissive ‘itch’ scratched as it were. There is a phenomena which in the world of BDSM is described as `submissive frenzy‘. While this is all to often attributed to novice submissives, I think that this is not entirely fair and that a fair share of submissives that have not their needs met, will suffer of the same thing.

Now add to that, what is often revered to as new relationship energy (NRE), a state of mind experienced at the beginning of most significant sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual receptivity and excitement. It begins with the earliest attractions, grows into full force when mutuality is established, and slowly fades over time and you have a recipe for a whole mess of emotions.

In the long term any kind of NRE is probably not to be avoided, especially in long term absence, however as long a the submissive is aware of this, this is not necessarily a bad thing. It will provide the submissive with a happiness that will last her and often still allow to maintain and foster her loving relationship with her dominant.

So what other options are there available, and while I am reluctant to an extend to name these I think for completeness they should be and that is offering release. Especially when you are talking long term absence with prior knowledge of an uncertain return.

You, as the dominant could offer release. Now there are several ways in which you can see release being offered. The first I already discussed as in release of restrictions. The other solution would be to offer the submissive a full time release of the service of the dominant.

Why do I mention release? While the thought of being released from my Mistress service is something I only can contemplate with sheer shock and horror, in fact it makes my almost physically ill to think about it, it is something that should be given as an option. This came to me, or rather was suggested to me *smiles* after several afternoons talking in depth about this topic.

There is however a big caveat. While the dominant can offer, I believe personally that it is entirely up to the submissive to either decline or accept and the dominant will and must graciously and happily accept the decision.

The biggest problem with offering release, it is all to often seen as the ending of a relationship, breaking off all forms of emotional, mental and other kinds of support. Something that is often very hard on the submissive. So why would you choose this route?

Because there is another reason for offering release. Even if you, as a dominant do not want this, one should always look out for the submissives needs. And sometimes the kindest action will be the one that hurts you both the most. Offering release, so she can go her own way when you can not longer carry out your obligation and duty as a dominant. If something is truly yours, set it free. If it returns, it belongs to you… if not, you never had it in the first place. (Mistress, if you read this, no, my answer still is no, I am yours, you’re not getting rid of me that easy *grins*)

It’s a step that can be taken, but in my opinion it should be taken ever so carefully. Because no matter how you frame it, the words are emotionally charged and as well all know, words can do damage just as easy as a whip or cane can do when they are wielded unwisely.

And with that, I am going to end this blog post. I hope that you found it interesting, albeit a lot of reading. I do however invite whoever reads this to open yourself and a discussion in the comments. So let me ask you: “How do you deal with separation from your dominant?“, “What are your coping mechanisms?“, “What worked and what did not?“, “What can you do to negate it?”

Thank you all for reading and I look forward to your answers. Until then,

 

Stay safe, have fun, love deeply
lexi