Well the penultimate blog of this year. There is only one more week left in December and then we are off to 2014. As promised last week today I am writing again about the 30 questions of kink, spread over two days a week apart. A bit of long winded descriptions hence why I choose the simpler title. Today’s questions are numbered 16-30.
Probably next week will be a shorter blog as I recover from Christmas and the copious amounts of food and booze I more than likely will imbibe. But I am sure I will be fact in full form in January.
Speaking of January, that means that the time that the yearly stats will be released is also short at hand. I am looking forward to it. While I enjoy writing and develop constant new ideas for stories and scenes that I at some point may work out into a full story, I am also always incredibly happy with seeing how many likes, views etc I have gotten per blog post. But to see how much I have written and so, is even a bigger thrill.
Anyway, enough of that, let’s get started with the last questions and my view of kink! Enjoy!
16) What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
I find this a difficult question, but I suppose at times sharing which mask I wear and what I show to people. We all desire to be accepted and loved unconditionally regardless of who we are or perhaps more poignantly especially because of who we are.
Having visited family with my dominant partners in the past, at times it is hard to drop the roles in favour of normal roles. I am not saying that I can’t do it or that I am wholly and that I was totally dependent, but I still have the urge to make sure that my partner is looked, after, cared for and I listen to what I may interpret as the smallest of subtle hints from them.
On the other side you have my family who has certain expectations of me and wants to see those fulfilled. So there are a lot of issues there.
The other problem that may arise is the effect on subspace and work. Luckily I have never had a sub drop so badly it prevented me from actually working, if nothing perhaps a little bit quieter than usual and just minding my own business where needed and/or possible. But it is a concern that needs to be addressed when playing. It’s all good and well being savagely caned, but not being able to sit down on Monday, may perhaps raise more questions then they’re worth, which leads to people having misconceptions about your relationship. To which, the next question deals.
17) What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
I think both that we are damaged in some way beyond reason. That we are unable to enjoy “normal” sexual relationships. Such reaction range all to often in the territory that we are either the victims of abuse and trauma or abusers ourselves.
On the other hand, with thanks to the media, especially within the written media that all dominants are powerful CEOs and laden with money to make everything and anything happen, and on the other hand submissives are in denial of their own sexuality and often in need of rescuing and once they surrender all will be well.
Kink for most people is just a part of their sexuality. Are we born with it? Are we formed through it? I think my sis, Velicia described it best when she said that kinky personalities happen when our nature meets nurture.
18) Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
That polyamory is something that is natural and happens in nature and therefor it is okay just to do it. This annoys me to no small measure. It’s a whole fallacy in reasoning. And just let me explain why:
I am not even having a huge problem that it happens in nature and therefor it’s natural although I will come back on this, so let me shelve that for a moment. It also carries the unspoken implication that someone who may be monogamous, that their behaviour is not normal. I mean, sorry, what? This is 2013. Are we not yet beyond defining what normal behaviour is for humans, especially in terms of sexuality?
And I am not even get into the whole evolutionary side of things. But okay, let’s roll with the fact that polyamory is natural. There are plenty of animals which are actually monogamous through out their lifespan (just in case you want to know: black vultures, gibbon apes, wolves, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions, red-tailed hawks, ospreys, prairie voles).
Okay, so that address only part of the the problem. Monogamy does happen in nature. Here’s what else that happens in nature; murder, rape, incest, killing. Yes folks, apparently it is easy to pick those pieces out of nature that you like and forget the rest.
Wake up call; nature is about survival of the fittest, not about about cuddly sharing and caring. Also, consensually is pretty low on the general agenda in the animal kingdom. Does that mean we can forget about these as well?
Please, we all know that consent is one of the pillars of BDSM. But please do not get me wrong. I have actually nothing against polyamory, it is rather the the attitude that a lot of people have that polyamory is one of the be all and end all of being kinky. And that if you are monogamous then, well you are just one step away from being vanilla. It just has to stop and this is why it is one of my main pet-peeves.
19) Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
My sleeping patterns are a lot better thanks to Mistress, but perhaps that was not a huge surprise but rather something that has been coming and has been good for me. She still threatens me at times with screwing my curfew back further, I am not sure if she is serious about this or not (and I am not in any hurry to find out).
As for the unexpected way, I think writing certainly qualifies. I have a love/hate relationship at times with writing, but I am enough of a professional and certified procrastinator to know that if I don’t have a stick behind the door, I would simply not write.
20) Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
As for being curious, I mentioned in my previous blog, 30 questions on submission, that I had a fantasy about hypnosis and like-minded disciplines. It’s something I have always wanted to try, something that I think could be enormously good fun to try with a trusted partner; but yet something I have not much luck with in exploring. Maybe in due time.
As for something I don’t understand. I think why so many male submissives are totally fascinated with foot-fetishes. There seems to be a large than average contingent of submissives that are very much into this and not just to dominants. They seem to be more than happy to ask any female, living/breathing or otherwise, if they can worship the feet. I have even seen submissive pretend to be dominants to get their kick out of foot worship.
I have no problem kissing my Mistress feet, when we meet. I even get a certain sense of pleasure out of it, but it is not something that I would do to just anyone or everyone just because I am dominant. It is for me, very much an act of submission towards my Mistress, and it is that act that drives and fuels me.
Maybe that fact, that it is the the submissive act that works for me, rather then the deed itself, and thus it is not a kink for me and with that, I think I mostly ignore it as a viable kink but rather as an activity that others do. But, such is life.
21) Favourite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Two books come to mind for this. Since the question allows us fiction and non-fiction, I am going to go with both these categories. For fiction, this is easy and it probably comes to no more a surprise that my favourite fiction book(s) in this regard is the Orginal Sinners series by Tiffany Reisz.
Speaking of the wonderful Miss Reisz, as it is Søren’s birthday on the 21st, she released a deleted chapter from her coming book “the Saint“. It’s awesome and deals with a bit of more background and as such is softer in tone. You can read it on her own blog.
As for non-fiction; I think I am going to go with ‘Screw the Roses, send me the thorns‘. A book that I think is a must read for everyone into BDSM. The book is wonderfully written by Philip Miller and Molly Devon with some guest writers making an appearance here and there.
22) What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Time together and communication. I saw this great line today: “Living together is not the same as spending time together.” And I think that is very true and it is so easy to let the daily grind take over and forget the kink side of your relationship and let it slide.
In essence, the maintaining of the relationship does not differ all that much from a vanilla relationship. It’s the same things that bother people whether there is kink involved or not.
After all, the kink is just the icing on the cake. No matter how much we like to portray ourselves as hardcore kinksters, the truth is just simply this: We are all humans and thus our relationships are humanly based (and flawed) .
On the other hand the kink element rather than making things easier to maintain, actually adds another layer of complexity. Yes, you don’t need to figure out who is wearing the pants in the house, so to speak, but You also have to make sure you are compatible on more than one level.
But still, I say, communication, time spend together means working together on the bettering of the relationship and being close and engaged with each other. Whether that be watching a movie, going out to do dinner, hogtied on the bed or bend over the couch getting your bottom spanked.
23) Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed?
Yes, some things are bound to change. When you first start out in kink, you realise that you like kink stuff and perhaps one or two activities, when you start exploring and playing you come soon to the conclusion that there is a whole different world out there, with so many different activities to enjoy and learn about. So changing of your views on that is bound to happen.
As for a personal note, I think that while bondage will always a very strong kink, I have come to enjoy the service aspects of submission a lot more under Mistress. As is often the case, submissives reflect or mirror to a certain extend the likes of their dominants, well at least I do.
24) What qualities do you look for in a partner?
I look for a person that has the je-ne-sais-quoi. They must be smart, have a good sense of humour and be able to think quickly on their feet.They must have imagination, honour, integrity, the ability to care, empathy. But rather than hashing out a list of things that I adore in a person, let me tell you a little tale.
When I first met Mistress, long before I was in a situation I could do something about, I could not help noticing her. She has a certain way of carrying herself, she was well spoken but calm, almost soft spoken. There is a lot to be learned from listening to how people talk and conduct themselves.
Consecutive times when I was not collared, we met and talked. A little bit, maybe a little bit of tease and verbal sparring if you like. Then one day I gathered my nerve and asked for her friendship. That wait, for her answer, which perhaps took perhaps less than a minute, seemed to stress out to an eternity and she said yes.
From that moment I started to get to know her a lot more and well, I think I fell head over tail in love with her. And now, we’re over four years further. So it does pay to follow that gut instinct and approaching that person that makes your stomach curl and release butterflies.
25) How open are you about your kinks?
Pretty open actually. More open about it in Second Life then anywhere else, especially in real life but something always filter through. Or is that I am somewhat lacking a filter on my speaking. Enfin, most closest of my friends know at least I am somewhat kinky and plenty of people know a good deal more.
However, there is always a certain sense of decorum to be maintained and it just does not do to shout if off the roofs to all and sundry that you are into kink and BDSM. Especially say not to family.
26) What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
I have no problems with online BDSM play at all. After all, it is what I do a lot in Second Life and have done in the past on IRC. I think it is an interesting way to explore some activities and all round fun.
However, it does not translate all that well into real life play and only some of the activities (and these are mostly on the mental side of play) can be transferred from a virtual enviroment to the real word. And in that, I think there lies the problem. Often people find out through a virtual medium that they have a kinky side and take what they have experience as such in that enviroment as gospel truth how things work in the real world. And sadly the awakening is often rather rude.
27) Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
To an extend of course they do, there is always an element of cross interest and you be amazed (or perhaps not really) how many people within the larger BDSM scene have a love for computers, science-fiction, fantasy and gadgets. We.love.gadgets, no kidding about that.
But I do not think that has ever really made a cross into play or such.
Or not that I dare to remember. There is always that possibility.
28) How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
It really depends on the type of play, the venue and what is expected and what I am ordered to wear. It could be anything from latex to a summer dress, to a strapless number or a corset, heels and sometimes just heels and a smile.
As I strongly believe that clothing defines not only how we feel, but also how we are reacted towards, I tend to pick my outfit carefully regardless. If what I wear looks good, it helps me to feel good and that in turn raises my confidence.
Of course, we have all more then one sense and of course the smell of the outfit (yes this is a thing, think leather, rubber/latex) would instantly put me into the right frame of mind and in the right mood.
And yes, being made to be bare all can just has much as an effect, as being dressed can be. It’s all in the mind anyway and how we translate that and how it tickles our kinks in general.
29) Do you have a BDSM title? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
I do not have really a title or an honorific as such. Then again being submissive makes titles usually the thing I call other people rather than being called myself. However there are certain pet names that Mistress and some other people like to call me and I am more then happy with that.
As for my thoughts on the use of titles in general, I think that titles can have a role but that peoples give to much weight to titles. It is the person who makes the title, never the title who makes the person no matter how much some people wish this to be true. But more on my thoughts on titles can be read on my blog on honorifics.
30) Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
After having answered nearly sixty questions in the last few weeks, there is little that my mind can think of right now that I would like to write about and I suspect that whomever came up with the questions, was struggling equally for something meaningful to write down and thus we got stuck with this meta-question on an answer to nowhere.
I am going to leave it with this though. Do remember that within relationships the best and most powerful tool you have at your disposal are you mouth, ears and your mind (no not in that way). So think about what you want and communicate that clearly to your partner(s).
There she goes again, I can hear half of you muttering in mock frustration. But I am serious. Seeing how many relationships are starting prematurely or crash on the rocks because people don’t communicate, talk and listen is just staggering. Talk, talk, talk. You can always pop the ball-gag in later.
And that, my dear readers, is the end of the questioning of this blogger. I hope you enjoyed the answers and hope that the holidays will be wonderful and kind to you. Don’t go mad. Remember that it is not about how many presents you get but that you can spend it in the warmth of your loved ones.
Stay safe, have a wonderful blessed holidays
As a side note, I noticed that I had named the previous blog ‘thirty days of kink’ instead of the rather more appropriate 30 questions, but I decided to leave it rather then messing with titles on posted blogs. The result of this is that this blog is named in a similar fashion. Writers freedom and all.