In searching for a topic tonight, I was deeply drawing across a blank what to write about. Although some people have helpfully offered suggestions and some made it into my pile of “things to write about”. Not because I do not want to write about the topic tonight, but by and large because the last few days sleep has not been forthcoming with me, due to various circumstances. I guess it’s life and hopefully I’ll catch up on sleep soon.
While storing away one of these ideas, my eye scanned over the list of topics I had stored away and suddenly came across one that may be worth writing about tonight. And then I remembered: a couple of weeks ago, I came across it, while pursuing a list of ideas from the submissive prompt website. Occasionally they have sayings, or a paragraph of writing that seem to expand on a certain idea, and while they don’t propose a question to go with it, I believe the idea is to actually write your thoughts about it.
The paragraph said the following:
You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love does not fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfilment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don’t settle for less.
A beautiful saying and one I truly and deeply agree with. So with that in mind, let us try and look at this topic from different sides:
Expanding on this topic is for me somewhat more difficult than I thought it would be, for if nothing else, the idea named in this statement are so part of my core values that it would be trying to describe the colour red to someone who has been blind all their life, still I am going to give it a try.
For me as a submissive, love means so many things. Not just the love I receive, but the love I give as well. I think to begin with every human being has the right to be loved and to love. I think that should be a universal right. Strangely enough, in doing some research for this blog; the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights does not even mention this. Of course you could argue that since the declaration of human rights is supposedly to be a more legal document, something emotional such as love, does not feature in it. However it does give us the right to believe what we want, so why not love? Why should we not be allowed to love those that we want and let those who want to love us do so without abandon.
The interesting part comes into the next two lines. Despite that day in day out and especially on Second Life, submissives are getting the belief drilled into them that a D/s relationship is perfectly possible if not preferable without any kind of love at all. It beggars believe beyond anything. Why people use this line, is frankly far and completely beyond me and frankly I have never cared enough to ask as mostly I am just shaking my head.
I can only guess at what their justification may be. Perhaps they think that in such a way, not giving love, but remaining a cold social detachment towards the submissive an aura of strictness, and control can be fostered, making the submissive, who in their desire for control, strictness and being loved stretch themselves to accommodate every request of the dominant in hope to find that little spark inside them. But I am only guessing.
Sure I have played with people who were cold and distant to an extend and while at some point in time that can be an interesting experience, it is not something how I would to like to fill my relationship. Perhaps it is interesting to mention that while these people may have come across in play to be cold, uncaring and distant, I knew that the reality of it was that it was just a role they put on. I can not remember that I ever played with someone that truly did not not care or showed signs of caring.
But then again, as I have often mentioned before. For me there is a large difference between the play, which I tend to bring under the S&M label, or even B&D if you want and the D/s, which I always have seen as the mental component of BDSM and especially in relevance to how relationship dynamics are.
So, in my original plan for this blog-post, I was going to write about the other side of things in an attempt to give a balanced overview from all sides. In this case it would be the darker side, the D/s relationship without love but during writing I came to the conclusion that I don’t believe that can happen. Or rather with the caveat, I believe that this can not exist for me. I was reminded to a conversation I had with a dominant a long time ago, who’s sole take on the relationship was to humiliate and embarrass the submissive and basically make her life as miserable as possible with the goal that he would own a submissive that would live in perpetual misery. While the concept of it, was perhaps somewhat interesting (mostly from the point of view that it was something that was very opposing from my own view), it was not something that I could see as either feasible or something I would be willing to undergo and live with.
After all, with Maslov’s Hierarchy of Need in mind, being loved is a very important layer as well as safety (think emotional safety here) and self esteem. So willingly undergoing something that would be aimed at breaking that is something that only can be classified as grossly unhealthy.
I have a quote in my profile, that is very apt for this blog-post. The quote comments on the nature of the relationship and is as follows:
“D/s is not about pain or how much pain one can stand … it is about how much love can be shown.”
The above quote shows clearly my thoughts about how D/s without love for me, is not something that is possible. To have a relationship with someone is caring about them in such a way that love seems to be a natural part of it. If someone claims not love you, or not willing to love you; then why would you want to give them control over your life, your well being and your body?
Like the paragraph describes; as a submissive we are by nature (or nurture, but that is a whole different debate) loving, giving an caring. But we are also very much in need of being loved, looked after and cared for. Even though this is not always in a way that ‘normal’ or rather vanilla people would recognise or are comfortable with. To give a good example; being tied up and gagged makes me feel very secure, cared for and looked after (see my previous blog on the notion of freedom in bondage), not something perhaps some people would agree with. Just the same as being put in my place, being told when I go to far. For me it is the stuff that definitely warms the cockles of my heart.
And that brings me to the last part, love in a D/s relationship, as a “tool” to make your submission blossom. I think by and large that is a bit of a misnomer on my part. While I do understand the sentiment. I think that the blossoming of submission, the growing of it, is something that goes hand in hand with love, not as much as a tool that can be used. I think it’s a circle of trust, love, submission, sharing and communicating, all wrapped
While talking over this with some of my friends in Second Life, one of them mentioned that a submissive that loves you, will be more loyal, be more submissive, will try harder, than one that does it just because you are holding her leash.
And I could not agree more. The ends I am willing to go for my Mistress are definitely much deeper compared to when I would play with others. And that is in part of course due to the love, due to the longevity of our relationship, to the trust she has earned from me.
So with all that, yes, love in a D/s relationship is extremely important and without it, I can not see how one could have a growing and healthy relationship, D/s or really otherwise.
Have fun and with love,