We all use language, that is pretty much a given and I am not even going to argue that point. Our communication exists part in spoken and part in non spoken language, the often so-called body-language, or better perhaps named as non-verbal communication.
I want to talk about verbal communication and exactly that as it pertains to BDSM, as much as in the spoken as in the written word. Especially in on-line environments, the assumption is made that written language is much the same as spoken language and people are given a ‘virtual voice’ by the way they type.
So tonight, we’ll have a look at language. What does it means for us, what does it do for us and with us, in short .. what is the power of language?
Language is an incredibly powerful tool. Words do not only care many meanings, often based on a particular frame of reference (yay, semantics), but words can also pain a picture, tease the senses and carry and convey feelings. They can pass on information, comfort us, excite us and frighten us. They can inspire and rouse us to great deeds and actions. But on the other hand words can also harm and break us, destroy our self-confidence and shatter our desires, hopes and dreams.
Especially within in the BDSM scene, I think that language as a tool and and a toy is so often taken for granted. But I think as is often the case with my opinions, that that looking at the surface is often just not enough and there is often various deeper layers to be discovered, explored and thought about.
As I mentioned language can be a very powerful tool that can used for great and wonderful things but sadly, as often is the case with tools, there is a misuse of language. Although I am rather talking more about the real world perhaps then just the BDSM scene, or to be pretty specific; bullying. The use of language that can have a life lasting effect and destroys a person from within. Strange that we often believe the negative so much easier than the positive when people tell us we are wonderful, special (and no, not speshul). I think Marianne Williamson said it in her book ‘Return to Love’ most splendidly: “The greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure“[1].
But rather than focusing on the negative, let’s focus on the positive aspects of language. I mentioned before that language can have so much and many different meanings to people. Semantics, (a word coming from the Greek: sēmantiká, neuter plural of sēmantikós) is the study of meaning. Especially in the BDSM it comes very often to the foreground. Because people have different frames of references, different things means not to the same to everyone.
A good example of this is when I was playing a game of Truth-ball in Second Life and the question was; “how many spanking implements can you name.” There was some snickering from the crowd as I answered that I could name only one. After all in my view there other implements that people named where, while part of ‘impact play’, they we for me not spanking. To me, it has always seem that half the conversations within BDSM start with establishing what the other persons frame of reference is and establishing a common ground.
One of the easiest forms that language plays a role within BDSM of course is the way people address each other in and around the ‘scene’. Pretty much as is standard in any given on-line environment, the use of honorifics is quite coming to denote the difference between dominants and submissives. Often dominants are addresses as Sir/Miss. Interesting is that Miss seems a rather more common way of addressing female dominants then Ma’am which seems to be more customary on other chat environments such as irc. Language here is used to establish a direct hierarchy based on how we speak and address others.
But that is not the only way that language is used. There are certain streams of BDSM that would require submissives to speak in a third person. This is well known to have happened in the world of Gor. The technical term for this is Illeism. The reason behind the use of this illeism is to impart humility, but also through repeated use to impart a sense of lack of self, or to imply a diminished importance of the speaker in relation to the addressee or to a larger whole.
On the other hand, dominants using illeism are much rarer, although they do exist. For dominants to use illeism it would either work as to reinforce their self-promotion or in an attempt to express themselves with an air of grandeur, to give the speaker lofty airs ( or worse, to puff themselves up).
Interestingly enough, I have been known to use illeism when having been engaged in play. Not as much as it was requested or expected but more I suppose as vocal expression of how deep my feelings run, or perhaps how my submission within that scene has deepened. This does not mean however that if something like that happens you can use illeism to instil such a feeling directly. Although it may help. But that depends a lot on the person in question.
One of the things I always have loved and will continue to do so, is playing with words. Banter, challenging and engaging people through the use of language, be this using the correct meaning, formal language or twisting words where possible; is something that has always given me a great joy when conversing with people. There is something about the quick witted exchange of ideas and playing with language that stimulates my brain to no end.
Language plays a large role within certain aspects of BDSM, especially in areas such as humiliation and erotic embarrassment (something for a future post I reckon). Using words to describe a person or to address a person can make someone feel rather embarrassed. Often humiliation is seen as calling a person just derogatory names. But I think that is a wrong view. There is a such a wide playing field where language can be used to make a submissive squirm and blush hotly red with embarrassment.
The last area I want to touch upon is the huge use of language in hypnosis. I am sure there are people who are thinking; “well that is blinding obvious”, and yes perhaps it is. But just because this may be so, does not mean that it does not deserve to be mentioned. Hypnosis relies deeply on the use of the spoken language to induce and trance a person. Granted there are some other techniques that one need to master before becoming a successful hypnotist. But you can’t deny that the words of the hypnotist to help, enhance or trance a subject are certainly important. It’s all about making the subject feel safe, secure and trusting themselves in the hands or perhaps rather the mind of the hypnotist.
One use that relates to hypnosis and combines playing with words are the use of mantras. They can be used for a varying degree of uses; be that to reinforce certain thought. Mantras have long been a tool for conditioning and ingraining messages and forcing a constant remembrance of those who the mantra was created by.
I think I am going to call this an end to this post, hopefully it was not to chaotic and over the place. I hope that I have demonstrated that language is just more than simple English (or whatever your language is) and speaking to another person. It is a living entity as it were that has many uses, adaptations and deserves to be thought about. Think about what you say and in which way what you say will deliver the most impact, or think how your language or use of language impact others around you and if that is the desired effect.
Have fun
lex
1. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.’ We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. — A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”, Ch. 7, Section 3 (Copyright 1992), Marianne Williamson.
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