Once during a discussion group in Second Life, someone remarked that D/s within Second Life, is much like having a girlfriend with kinky benefits, I assume that he meant mostly the bedroom equivalent of slap and tickle. I decided at the time to hold my tongue but on a certain level the comment always really vexed me. It’s something that I really disagree with. And it is an attitude that is prevalent throughout the entire D/s scene from within all levels.
It’s a strange idea on the one hand, and perhaps oh so human on the other hand, that we think that what we do is automatically better from our point of view than what anybody else is doing. And it seems that these levels look up and/or down on each other. So why do I think that this attitude is misplaced and it is something that is far more damaging to our wonderful scene rather than promoting our open mindedness for which we are priding ourselves?
So what are these levels?
What I describe as a level in D/s is nothing more than a way for me to distinguish in a way to what extend people are involved into D/s and perhaps that attitude is telling more than anything else that I am not above the behaviour perhaps in my own way. Although as often said; recognising the symptoms is a large part of the solution and treatment.
D/s and BDSM in the larger meaning of the word, while enormously fun activities and or lifestyle to play and participate in, are above all relationship constructs. It’s how some of us choose to live their life, for whatever reason that may be. May that be nurture, may that be nature, may it be the thrill of it all. Whatever the reason and the person(s) involved, it is at the core of it all, a way to describe how we act, react, behave internally or externally and toward people. The whips, the chains, the gags, the rope, and cuffs, they are dress up to that part. But above all we all live our relationships to the level that we are comfortable with.
The above should make it clear, that there is no right and wrong in the intensity or level of D/s you are involved in, as long as you are doing it in a way that makes everyone within the relationship happy.
The strange part is that as I mentioned before that everyone really is doing it within the larger BDSM community, and I think people should be far more aware of the the image this projects. To name a few of the “levels” of D/s, on top of my head there are Master/slave relationships or TPE (Total Power Exchange), 24/7 D/s couples, Situational D/s (a term I thought up, but for now assume people who play say either in just the bedroom, or say at a club), Tops and bottoms (people who play, but not necessarily in a D/s context), people who do a bit of light bondage, a bit of spanking here and there.
And the list could go on and on, and this is just the an small grab from people living in real-life relations, if you go further and include online and LDR (Long Distance Relationships), especially with a virtual environment such as Second Life or perhaps other platforms such as IRC, then you have so many different levels that people can add; Just to name a few; there are people in online relationships, who include voice, (such as telephone calls, skype, or other voip services). People who commit themselves wholly within the virtual environments. *1, people who just play and have fun.
And to me, neither of those is wrong. It is about what people do and what they feel happy committing themselves to at that level and at what specific intensity. I think it’s the topic of arrogance to not only think (after all thinking is (yet) not defined as a crime by the current statute of law in many countries) but also come out by stating a view as indicated in the introduction to this blog post. It makes you immediately look like lifting yourself up to a point of “oh look, see how well I am doing”. And not only that; it also is deeply insulting to people who may not feel comfortable to going to that degree but who may be otherwise in a very stable and committed relationship.
So what is the best way to react to such a statement. I must admit that personally, the first reaction that came to mind was not a pleasant one, which eventually was why I bit my tongue and said nothing (perhaps also not a good thing, but at least it gave me a topic for a blog to write about). Basically my reaction was to point out some obviously flaw. Like I have often said, I am all to much a kitten in my reactions at times.
However such a snide argument is not something that is helpful nor a reaction that would do anything to help to understand, enlighten and make people understand how their attitude can be painful to some. In thinking about the situations; I think the best possible result is perhaps pointing out that their attitude may not be as well received by others and try to make them see that.
The problem is that the argument can not be really extended to the point of; “there are many different levels and intensities within D/s, both within a virtual environment such as Second Life or other on-line media and in real life; neither of those are better or worse then any other and pointing out such an opinion is generally unhelpful”.
As said earlier, I think the biggest step forward is the recognition that we are all subjective in more or lesser extend to such attitudes. It is human nature to a large extend. We always like to compare to what have, to what others have and see how we are better. After in all most of the English speaking parts of the world, the idiom of “Keeping up with the Joneses” is a well known phenomena describing how uses a person in a peer group as one own measures for among others social standing.
Within the BDSM scene enlarge this is not something that is terribly uncommon. I only have to think of the newest line of restraints, or the newest corset or the newest latex-must-have-catsuit. From a small start it suddenly seems to gather speed and it has become the newest toy that everyone has and you don’t really count if you don’t.
We’re not all that different from our vanilla counterparts. We like to think ourselves better, enlightened, open-minded, aware but sometimes we’re just not.
Now, however if you want to aspire to say get more involved in a higher intensity or level of D/s, I am not saying you should not, au contraire, if that is, decidedly where your heart and ambitions lie, then by all means give in to them and enjoy yourself and your new experiences to the fullest you can possible do.
So let’s be aware of our own situation and reaction and next time you see someone doing something on another level; shrug and smile and let it go. If they are happy doing so and nobody gets harmed (I am leaving being hurt out of here for obvious reasons), who are you to decide what is right for them.
So let us go out there and show people we can be really that open minded and relaxed.
Be safe and above all, be wise.
lexi
[1] – This would be an age old argument of immersionists versus augmentists. The former use the world as the complete settings and use the world as is provided, their avatar is its own identity etc, Augmentists use the virtual environment to add to their lives often with inclusion of voice, etc. But that is a whole separate debate.
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