I am not sure how far I am going to get with this blog tonight, and I am talking about length rather than if I can actually blog tonight. For once it is not because I lack in the ability to write, even though I am lacking a definitive topic. But of reasons for a far more personal nature.
And for once I am going to by and large just write for myself. Now that sounds strange, because after all this is my blog and I write about what I want. But as i have remarked upon in the past, I also do at times cater to my audiences and write about things I want them to know or for which they have asked me, either directly or indirectly. As a blogger, I am not above being creative in finding things to write about and to generate content.
But the reason I am writing for myself, is not what I write, or how, but what about (hmm that’s pretty much what, but in my mind a difference). Tonight I want to write something that is very personal to me and that pertains directly to my current real life. As I mentioned, my mind is pretty much not with it this day.
The reason for this is the fact that my one remaining grand-mother may not have long to live on this earth, or as they say it, before she exchanges the temporary for the eternal. For the family it does not come as as surprise. She has been struggling seriously with her health for the last year when I went over to see her, because as we thought at that time: “come and say goodbye now, while you still can.”
Still, seems like they don’t make them like they used to and my grandmother has surprised everyone with her stamina and her will to live. Despite the prevailing thought that she would not make it past summer, let alone her birthday and Christmas she surprised everyone time and time again.
However her body was frail and nearing the end of its life-cycle and after a few scares it became clear that it was mostly a house of cards. Only one thing need to go wrong and the rest start to collapse in on itself. Over the year past she struggled and we held our breath as things progressively got worse. As my dad says, there are only so many coats a person can have and she’s running out of them. Each time a complication to her health happened she loose one or more. It’s perhaps not surprisingly achingly similar to the spoons theory.
In the end however, she’s clearly was loosing the good fight and while her mind is still sharp, things are slowly letting go. We have been at this a year and right now, it is pretty much end-games and we’re waiting for her to pass. The moment that happens, things get a move on and I have to (terrible world, want to), go down and pay my last respects. While I will be very sad to see her go, I am glad that her suffering is at an end.
But instead of focusing on that, I want to write a little bit about her. I know I don’t write much or have in the past about this side of me but she deserves it.
She’s without a shadow of a doubt one of the most amazing persons I have the pleasure of sharing my life with. She’s full of love, for everyone (and we have a big family) and knows every little detail about children, grand-children and great-grand-children. She’s always full of interest no matter what we tell her and accepting of everyone no matter what.
I think if I have to describe her words like warmth come to mind and caring. Whatever time we came, she would always listen to us. No matter how old we got, she would always send us on the way with a little extra smuggled into our hand and no matter how much we protested she would insist. It’s only in my later years I realised that protesting would not only give no result, it would also deprive her of her happiness. Thus I stopped. On sharing this with my dad, he just nodded and said the same and confided in me that she would do the same to him.
I remember one time staying with her and after a late night dinner heading home, she have me a chocolate, money and some cola and called me a taxi to the station so i would make sure I got home safe and sound. So many memories and so little right now I can recall, but there are the feelings.
I think the biggest thing, is that she has always been around and has always been there for us and has always been around, only a phone call away and it just feels strange that soon she will not be there any more and that with her passing, we also say good bye to a generation of our family.
I’ll miss her .. deeply.
I must admit that having written this, what may be in parts be a sort of short eulogy to my grandmother that it seems wrong to actually write more about a second subject especially if that is one of my normal nature (oh come on you all know what I am talking about). So I have decided to leave it at this. I want to close of this blog with a (slightly edited) quote from the television series Babylon 5 by G’Kar:
I believe when we leave a place,
part of it goes with us and part of us remains.
Go anywhere in the house, when it is quiet, and just listen.
After a while, you will hear the echoes of all our conversations,
every thought and word we’ve exchanged.
Long after we have gone our voices will linger in these walls,
for as long as this place remains.
But I will admit that the part of me that is staying,
very much will miss the part of you that is going.
Edit: She passed away, in a mostly peaceful fashion on Tuesday, the second of july. Rest in Piece gran.