Tonight, I am going once again through various questions picked up among others from the submissives prompt website. In talking with Mistress about my blog she said she liked these submissive prompts both for a learning opportunity and learning my thoughts.
And of course, I do strive to make her happy. *laughs* (hi Mistress!)
After founding a good number of questions for me to answer, I noticed that most of them were in line with either relationship advice or advice to knew people and self exploration
- How long did it take for you to obtain your collar? What process did you go through for your collar?
- What advice would you give a new submissive just exploring her submissive self?
- What advice would you give a novice about introducing their partner to BDSM?
- How do you handle your owner’s disappointment in you or your performance (in a task)- or is this a situation that does not occur for you?
- Is it important to you to have friends who are also in similar style relationships? Why or why not
I cut the number of questions from the original amount that I had gathered. While these questions where without a shadow of a doubt quite interesting to answer, they were interesting enough for me to sit on them and steam about them, do a bit of research and dedicate a whole separate blog to them:
How long did it take for you to obtain your collar? What process did you go through for your collar?
With regards to the collar I am currently wearing in Second Life, it took us quite a while to get to that point. I think about three or four months which in and bye itself is longer than some Second Life relationships which seems to have a rather high turn over point, but that is a totally different point. Before we got to that point, we talked and played. A lot of talking, a lot of emailing back and forth were I was asked to explain and explore my thoughts on a given subject. I suppose not all that different to what I am doing now.
We spend a lot of time in world talking, getting to know each other. Talking, laughing, dancing together. So we did not only get to know each other on a D/s level but also on a personal level and I think she’s still one of the persons who knows me truly inside out. It is kind of scary at times how much she seems to know me and seemingly read my mind almost.
I think, long before she put the collar around my neck it was clear that I was hers. The collaring ceremony was itself something of beauty. It was just her and me. She invited me to sit next to her on a bench and we talked as equals. Then I knelt at her feet and she put the collar around my neck and asked me formally. Closing the collar was my call and I did so, making me, hers. This is of course a somewhat clinical description of something rather personal to me. *smiles*
As a bit of advice, I would serious suggest everyone do that. Talk, explore, learn, discover. If you are destined to be together, that will be, just like my Mistress and me, an undisputed fact of your relationship and the collaring will become a wonderful affirmation of the dynamics rather than a claim of ownership.
What advice would you give a new submissive just exploring her submissive self?
Most of all read, research, talk and question just about everything. Nothing is more potentially more disastrous then a submissive stumbling about, without doing her share of reading and learning. We are submissives, we should not stupid. Attend munches, be that in Second Life, or Real Life ones (even better). There are good communities out there that can help you. Never ever ever be shy to say “I do not understand this, can you please help me and explain this to me?” If you are still not sure, ask another dominant, or ask another submissive.
There is a lot of reading material out there. While of course being safe (know what you do, what you can not do, know your limits and risks involved ), sane (think about what you are doing and use common sense and be as safe as possible) and consensual (make sure everyone is in accordance with your actions and do not invoke people in your plays against their will) should always be adhered, also try things and have fun.
Above all, do not believe people who say that there way is the “only one true way” of BDSM. BDSM is a relationship mechanism and therefore different to what the people involved in the relationship want and need.
What advice would you give a novice about introducing their partner to BDSM?
Thread very carefully. The road is literally paved with the crushed skulls of couples trying to get their significant other interested into bdsm. Can it work? Yes, it can, but be aware that the changes of this working out may be slim and be prepared to put in the hours. So what are the potential pitfalls?
Above all, the biggest pitfall is that your partner is not kinky themselves. They even might find the idea of you wanting to be hurt quite repulsive, they may even think that there is something seriously wrong with you. The best way is to talk to them. There are many books on BDSM which have included a chapter for your significant other when they are not into kink. The books that especially come to mind are Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns, Jay Wiseman’s BDSM 101, and The Loving Dominant.
Another pitfall on this road, can be that your partners kink are not on par with the ones you have. You may like spanking but it does not do anything for them, to name an example. Along with this is the fact that your partners wants and needs may just be quite different from yourself in terms of kink
And last but not least, there is always the possibility that your partner d/s orientation is the same as yours. Two dominants, two submissives is not unheard of, of course when there are two switches, that could make thinks rather interesting but also possible to clash depending.
So at a first glance it seems that there are a lot more cons than there are pro’s to the whole, let disclose to my partner all the wonderful stuff that I am in. But is it all doom and gloom?
I don’t believe it is, there are hopefully also good points. If your partner and you have a deep steady relationship and you want to incorporate kink in to this, opening up and talking with a secure emotional background may be much more easier and eventually may be more rewarding. Hopefully you know your partner and they know you and thus giving you a good ground to develop the relationship further on
But above all, you will need to sit down on your own first and think carefully out what you want to talk about, how you going to present it. And be prepared to be literally overwhelmed by your other half question about what you mean, doubts and such. It is your task in this this to alleviate their fears, listen to them, help them understand you and what you want and need.
How do you handle your owner’s disappointment in you or your performance (in a task)- or is this a situation that does not occur for you?
It may be a situation that can occur for me but above all a situation that I work very hard to avoid. As for being the actual situation itself? It is very difficult. As soon as I have an idea that my actions are less pleasing then they should be whether this is based on reality, perceived or otherwise, I take it very hard and the disappointment in myself is often a lot harsher then perhaps the situation merits.
I always try to do the task to the best of my abilities and even if I can not give the answer my Mistress may hope for, I try to make sure that I show that I have done everything I can and hope she’ll understand. For the times that I feel I have not done my best, I am usually quite ashamed of myself and apologetic and as much as I hate punishment and dread it coming, I also find that it is probably the best way to deal with things. The pain washes everything away and I know that while it will hurt, that come what may, when everything is done and over with I am forgiven.
Is it important to you to have friends who are also in similar style relationships? Why or why not?
Yes I think it is important. The reasons for this is that at any given time, we could find trouble with our relationship, need an understanding ear or someone who has been there and done it and can show you what the t-shirt looks like at the end of it all. Having friends in similar style relationships help you connecting easily with people who deal with the same sort of problems and they can help you make sense of situations
On the other hand, it is also good to have friends who are not in a similar style of relationship, if for no other reason that it will be possible for them to give alternative viewpoints and a fresh look that may be outside of your proverbial box so to speak.
Personally I think the question has been stated wrongly and a better question would be to ask if it is important for anyone to have friends who are wholly understanding and supportive of the type of relationship you are in. In which case there can be only one answer to the question and that is: “Yes, most definitely”
Well I hope you enjoyed the questions I posted this week and that you found the answers enlightening or at least food for thought. If you have any further questions about what I have written here, or as per usual want to suggest topics, leave a note in the comments for me and I’ll get back to you.
have fun and stay safe.