Tonight, while once again, I was lacking more or less direction of what to write. I actually have some ideas on file, but as usual they do require a certain measure of research into the subject. And with being short changed on time this week, research is one of the things that sadly (and perhaps wrongly) slipped. But such is the nature of the beast.
So here I was sitting in my office and pondering what to write about and as usual there are three sort of options available for me at such a time: a) as always I can go back to writing more in the saga (said she modestly) that is “Self Control“, but I have not found a way forward with this yet. b) Freestyle it c) find some other solution, usually in the way of some prompting or meme post.
And C, tonight is the choice for this blog. However instead of some meme I decided to visit the submissive prompts website and look if I could find some suitable topics to write about. Perhaps one, perhaps two or more, depending quite how the mood takes me. The topic so far covered in this blog-post will be:
- Tasks for submissives: is there a task set, you never could accomplish
- Do you struggle with depression? How has being submissive helped you recover?
- Have you ever experienced sub drop? How do you and your owner deal with it?
- Do you believe that the mind can be controlled? Is this something you strive for in your dynamic?
- What do you do if your trust has been broken?
(I hope the links work, wordpress.com seems to have a habit of deleting the <a id=”"> tags on random,)
(i do apologise)
So, yes those are a very wild varied amount of topics, perhaps all of them worthy of their own blog-post in the future, but for now I shall start with answering them as best as I can:
Tasks for submissives: is there a task set, you never could accomplish?
No, there has not been a task yet that I have failed to complete. There are always tasks that I find more difficult. Often these are in the research area. I get told by my Mistress what she is looking for and thus left to tune my own senses and skills to finding the answer to what she need.
Luckily so far I have always at least found some kind of answer to what she wanted and she seems satisfied with what I have given her as the results for her requests. I, however always fear to an extend that I will be unable to perform adequately and that I thus will feel that I disappointed her. Note that I say that I feel this; whether she would be, or not, providing of course that I would have done my best is an entire different matter, but also one that I can not or will not answer as it is not my place to speak for her (unless of course, strictly instructed to do so).
There is at times with in the larger BDSM Scene a trend of setting tasks for submissives with the explicit goal to make them fail so their owner can punish them for failing and put them in their place. This is a practise that I am unequivocally against because I believe it is damaging to the self-worth of the submissive.
Because we exist to please, we are internally wired to derive pleasure from making our significant others happy, the pain we feel at failing in our task, no matter if we know that the task is designed to make us fail, is a real one. In fact I would argue so far as to say that even if we know that the task is designed to make us fail, we would strive to overcome the odds and trying to succeed despite the cards that are stacked against us.
And really, if our owners, would seek an excuse to punish us, or just want to engage in some sort of erotic roleplay including impact play or whatever swings their fantasy, they are the dominants. They don’t need an excuse. Just tell us what you want and we’ll happy stand and spread them and take it for all that it is worth. We might even derive pleasure from the treatment. The fact you need to have an excuse coupled with the act that you just made us fail; It is not going to be a positive experience for us.
Unless of course, that is your goal. In that case, you really should be asking what you are doing in a BDSM relation. It is after all about the satisfaction that both (or all) partners derive from it.
Do you struggle with depression? How has being submissive helped you recover?
Yes, admittedly, and perhaps with a bit of a heavy heart, I have to admit that I suffer from depression and struggle with it from time to time. Most of the days it is light enough I suppose that I can deal with it. There are some days that I want just to crawl in the corner of my sofa, pull a blanket around me and hide from all and the world.
This is not helped by the fact that I am introvert. I am not outgoing, I am accustomed to my own company. So when things go from bad to worse, I tend to withdraw even further into myself. It is slightly a vicious circle perhaps. Add to this the fact that I have a tendency to either try and suppress or pretend that everything is fine and put a smile on my lips. Hey, stiff-upper-lip and as Churchill said: KBO! (Keep Buggering On).
Has being a submissive helped with that. I am not entirely sure but probably to an extend; yes. I think that Mistress is giving me some tools to help me regulate certain aspects in my life that do makes things better. The prime example is her making sure I get sleep enough and on regular times. Anyone that knows me, knows that my sleeping patterns were horrible out of shape and nowhere near resembling anything what the world would call normal. They are still not on par with that, but they are a lot better, and especially this time in the winter I am really noticing the differences.
Knowing that I have the support of her, than I can ask her for help, knowing she is there for me to listen and give me advice is a pillar of strength that has had and will have a profound impact on my life. She also made me realise several things about myself that helped me grow as a person.
A great example is this blog: Thanks to her insistence of writing the efforts that I require to put up a blog post are diminishing. Sure, I struggle at times, which is normal for any writer and/or content creator. I think The Oatmeal put it down perfectly on one of their recent comics. Given a topic is a lot easier than conjuring something out of thin air. But I am getting better at it.
I think the combination of being submissive and in a great relationship, combined with forcing myself, with help from friends, to go to events, places, etc, both in Second Life and in Real Life, giving me a touch of human contact is helping me. But I don’t think think a lot of the above I could have done without her, and without my dearly loved friends. You know who you all are. Thank you, and thank you Mistress.
Have you ever experienced sub drop? How do you and your owner deal with it?
Yes, I have had sub-drop. Both in real-life and in Second Life. I must admit the first time I had it happen in Second Life it actually caught me a bit by surprise, but once I realised and identified the symptoms, I was pretty much able to deal with it.
Of course for me, sub-drop can vary pretty much from one session to the other. And I will say that dropping from impact play is usually somewhat heavier (or deeper) then from the mental aspects of play as are prevalent within Second Life, but they are still there.
How do I deal with them? Usually, these days at least, predict when sub drop is lurking around the corner, as the first day after a session I am pretty hyper and bouncy. But by the end of the first day the high is wearing off and I get more and more quieter and retreat into myself. Cuddles, talking, reassuring, taking rest, plenty plenty cups of tea, chocolate. If someone is online, talk, cuddle and above all taking it easy and resting a lot. Sub drop eventually finds it way out of your system given enough time.
I find that during the moments of sub-drop, I find comfort in the familiar. In Second Life for example, I would not stray far away from our living room there, or sit by Mistress’ chair, regardless if she is showing up. Taking extra care with my routines such as cleaning the house.
What works for me however, does not have to work for you and I suggest strongly that above all you listen to your own body and talk. Be that with friends, loved ones, play partners or whatever is available to you. And know that above all it is natural and will pass.
Do you believe that the mind can be controlled? Is this something you strive for in your dynamic?
This is a difficult one. Yes, I do believe the mind can be controlled. But to what extend and how lasting is something that the experts are not agreeing on. Let me quickly say that by mind control, a word that conjures up several interesting images of various nefarious activities, can be so many different things that it is hard to see the forest for the trees. Hypnosis, manipulation, mantras, intimidation, training, so many ways can influence the mind to be bended in a way someone wants.
If we are keeping this subject just to the idea of consensual erotic hypnotism, mantras and training, then yes it is very well possible to train and condition the mind to react in a certain way. You may be curious as to why I included training, as this is something so much common and prevalent in BDSM relationships that people would forget to include this in mind control. But think about it. If you are doing something often enough in a way that your dominant has instructed you, eventually it will be ingrained in you. Your mind will have conformed to that part of your training.
Mantras and hypnotism can be tools that can be used to interesting effects and as a positive building force within a relationship. Either to overcome issues or to reinforce behaviour or self image. Think of the mantra: “I am beautiful, I am cared for, I am loved” to give a random example. This could be repeated by the submissive on set times to reinforce her view about herself, her relationship, her view.
However as always there is a darker side to this. Mantras can be used, and so can hypnosis, for that matter, to lead an unsuspecting submissive down a path she does not want to go but eventually may become to powerless to resist. I know the point that some of you will raise that under hypnosis you can not do anything you normally would not want to do but do realise there is by and large a difference between doing something that you find amoral and repulsive, then slowly leading down a path to which you agree with in principal and having your views slightly nudged, or your mind simply overloaded, or rather drowned with repetitive words that giving in is easier to an extend. Yes I do agree with you, you still will not suddenly turn into the axe murdering submissive from hell, but you may find yourself becoming deeper and deeper enthralled with your dominants wishes and direction.
So yes, I think it is very well possible that the mind can be controlled. Is it something that I want in my relationship? Hmm probably not. The reason I say probably is this; Yes I have an interest in all forms of mental play within a relationship, and especially those geared towards mental control, but that such types of play really require a lot of frequent contact, which makes it more difficult for Mistress and me. And last but not least, I am also very aware of the possible dangers that road is wrought with, for people in both sides of the relationship. And I for one don’t think that is worth putting our relationship through without some serious talking and negotiating.
What do you do if your trust has been broken?
This is a very difficult question that probably would deserve its own blog-post. The biggest problem is there are different levels of trust and a lot of how you deal with the situation is based on your relationship and the people directly involved in that.
Basically, when your trust is broken you have a your standard two options. Either break off the relationship or try and salvage and rebuild. Trust is not a black and white thing. And as it is always said, trust takes time to grown and evolve. This means that trust in a sense is a living element in any given relationship. It needs nurturing, looking after and feeding. The other side of the coin is that if trust has been broken or damaged, it will take a lot more time to rebuild an heal than it would take to create the trust in the first place.
Considering that break-off would answer the question shortly, I am going to answer the question from the point of view that you and those involved in the situation and relationship are willing to continue and repair and what damage is done. For such thing there is only a few key ingredients that can really work: Repentance, Honesty, Openness, Communication, Forgiveness, Trust.
Repentance should speak for itself. For anything to heal, one should review their actions and feeling regret for the way things have gone. Without repentance there is no question of the situation being resolved since it would stick as a splitting block in a wedge, forcing it only open over time, and not in a good way.
Honesty, openness and communication, I am going to group together. Because honesty and openness are for me subsets of communication to begin with. Talk about what happened, probe, explore, talk to each other. This is one of the biggest parts in healing . But do not just talk about what happened but also why it happened and what can be done to prevent it. Explore the issue from different angles, try to see the others point of view.
And last not least, forgiveness, without forgiveness, there can be no healing. As written in a book that I read once, long ago and I paraphrase: There is healing in sincere forgiveness. In forgiveness you grant, but more so, in forgiveness you receive.
Thank you for reading this all, that was a lot of writing (and reading) and I actually quite enjoyed thinking about and hammering out the answers. I hope what I wrote made sense and give you food for thought.
For now, and the coming days,
stay safe, be good to each other.